Learn from your Success, Live for your Failure

Try, try and try again. That’s what they say, right? Get back up on that horse. Climb every mountain? But, seriously when is enough, enough.

Well, in dating, at least casual dating… it doesn’t take much. One unanswered text can equal the end of something new and promising. And why? Well, because somebody hotter or funnier messaged or maybe a drink or two led to an inevitable makeout at the bar. Hell, maybe it was as simple as a bad day at work or the dislike of parking garages. We all want something until the moment it is inconvenient to us. Inconvenience is inconvenient, to put it in the simplest of terms. Maybe I can get even simpler – a pain in the arse.

But, when you think back to a lot of good things in your life, weren’t some of the most memorable ones awfully inconvenient? Your condo taking three times as long as it should, chipping away at a person to finally gain a friend, or maybe even continuing to ask the elusive one who rejected you out. I always wondered what those people must feel. How do they not get down? How do they keep getting up in the face of rejection, frustration and adversity to not feel bad about themselves, unworthy, unwanted, unwarranted. Well, the last one doesn’t make sense – but for most of us, pride is a nasty sin.

If something is hard, move on right? Wrong. Sometimes.

Most of the people who have ever become successes in their life failed and failed again. Happily married couples. Multi-millionaires. John Travolta. But, it was the trying again that got them where they were. So, I’ve been encouraged to (and have been trying to) make some mistakes. Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen?

As children we are taught not to talk to strangers, not to run into the street, not to play with fire. But, as we get older, always staying safe can prevent us from experiencing all that life has to offer.  If you never take risks, you don’t really get a chance to live at all. And what’s the fun in that? – The Carrie Diaries

The Ginga Ninja

Time for a Wake up Call

Is it normal to hear the song “You Make My Dreams Come True” by the great Hall & Oates TWICE in one day?  Somehow, I think not.  In fact, is it normal to hear this catchy 80’s diddy, 6 times in a month?  I know not.  Is the universe trying to tell me something?

I recently had a job where every manager seemed to get pregnant shortly after starting the job.  I was warned to be careful, or I may be next.  I gave a little giggle because to get pregnant there’s a little secret (shhh)….to get pregnant, you have to be having sex.

As a woman who is up to her ears in rehab, consultation projects, cleaning her own apartment, interviewing, visiting friends and family, back at the gym and caring for pets…well, boys haven’t really been given a ton of time until recently. And you know what?  They seem to be a pretty big waste of it if I’m honest.

But, are all of these warnings and the crazy sign of hearing “You Make My Dreams Come True” trying to tell me something?  Should I be preparing for a life change, or….should I decide that the plain and simple message of that song is simply about me this time.  Maybe I make my dreams come true.  Plain and simple, isn’t that really the only person who can do that for you anyways?

For a long time…a really long time…I didn’t get that.  I didn’t understand that it wasn’t just a matter of being okay single or feeling confident when alone, but being okay alone.  For real.  Whether there is another person in your future or not, you have to stop envisioning one where another person exists and just try to be happy in yourself no matter where, when, or who that may be with.  Stop feeling like you have a void to fill and get ready for a much better problem – trying to actually make time in your busy and fulfilled life for another someone.

In a nutshell, “I make my dreams come true”…and if you are reading this, well, right now YOU are the only other one making my dreams come true because dammit, I kind of really like this writing thing.  So, go out and drink, dance, sing, cry, laugh, ponder, shake, fear, love and risk all the things that make you happy, but do it with the awareness that the outcome may not change your tomorrow.  It is the comfort, the acceptance, the challenge and the knowledge of these things, these pieces of you, that make life worthwhile.

Charlotte honey, did you ever stop to think that maybe we’re the white nights and we have to save ourselves? – Carrie, Sex and the City

The Ginga Ninja

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Love is a Battlefield

I had to look long and hard about why a ghost from my past still bothered me.  I mean, the point of breaking up is to move forward and meet better matches, right?  That, or I guess working on yourself…or boning a hockey team, but we’ll go with meeting better matches for the sake of this argument.  Well, as I pointed out last year I had the secret family recipe for a perfect breakup, only the aftermath was nothing like I planned.

Anytime I look back and feel shame, regret, anger or sadness I have to ask myself why.  Why would I still be bothered by something that ended a long time ago and ended for the right reasons?  Plain and simple, I realized it came in one word.  Justice.  I wanted justice.

I have some regrets over feelings I felt way back when and in hindsight there were things I wished I had done differently, said differently or felt differently.  But, there is absolutely no way to go back and unfeel something.  That is a lot more than turning back the clock on a fight, a swear word or an action.  Feelings are cumulative, feelings take time. As I also pointed out last year, if you felt something, you must have had a reason at the time. Looking back doesn’t do you a whole heck of a lot of good because the memory you see isn’t entirely complete.  Either you forget all the bad they did too, or you glorify the good and both can drive you stark raving mad.  You cannot undo the past.

Let me repeat.  You cannot undo the past.  I guess I liked to think I could at least handle the present.  Each and every time I received a message referencing how miserable we were, how we didn’t belong together or how we should just hop into the sack….I knew that those references of the past weren’t completely accurate because I was still being messaged…in my present.  The thing is, eventually that itself was the past too.  So, just like the relationship, why is it hard to let the aftermath of the relationship go?

A friend pointed out that for good people, coming to terms with what is and what was can be hard.  You can’t wrap your brain around how somebody else is going to act and the awful things they may say and do.  And that, at its core is what gets to me.  Like Carrie said in Sex and the City, “We keep dresses we’ll never wear again.  We throw away our ex boyfriends.  If you loved someone and you break up, where does the love go?”

When I look back at each and every thing I did in the aftermath, I understand why I did it and feel very little regret about my actions.  I tried my best to do and say the things that were warranted at the time and make me feel like less of a shit in the long run.  But, what I realized I got angry about was the actions of others, the actions I cannot control.  Uncontrollabe urges, disrespect, unanswered texts, insults, crazy rants and degrading comments…I am not angry about what I did or didn’t do, only sad at what was done to me.

So, that made me realize yet again, you can only control yourself.  If I am not angry at myself for my actions and words and I know that I cannot undo my past, why am I at times still living in it?  It was because I wanted justice.  I wanted the great apology, the heartful closure or the happy ending.  This is life buttercup, time to suck it up.  Just because you try to treat others fairly doesn’t mean everybody plays by those rules.  All is fair in love and war so they say.  Good old Pat Benatar pointed out “Love is a Battlefield”…probably because sometimes love and war really do feel the same.

I can’t be upset that life moved on without my karmic justice. The only thing I can control is my own life, my own mind, my own feelings, thoughts and actions and ultimately only half of my relationships.  It takes two to tango and if you aren’t the one stepping on toes, I guess it’s fine to keep dancing, but maybe find a new dance partner.

“The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.”  – Bill Cosby

The Ginga Ninja

They Shoot Single People, Don’t They?

I remember watching an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie discusses the things that change when you have kids.  Is there really a divide between the childless and those with children?

Just the other day I mentioned to my mom, “I know I’m not married and I know I don’t have kids, so I know I don’t count”, because the moment grandkids came into the picture, the singles lost their say.

But, are there things that we without children find funny that a parent would gasp in horror and shock about?  Probably.  But, I still find them funny.  I hope that when my turn comes, I still will.

Being a parent shouldn’t mean you lose your sense of humour; hopefully you gain it to be honest.  The reason I say this is because the things that parents must endure – temper tantrums, poo disasters, spit-up, vomit, broken limbs, and the most outrageous things coming out of a four-year old’s mouth can only make them laugh.  If it didn’t make them laugh, it would make them crazy…and nowadays there is only so much room at the funny farm.

Maybe the humour was lost on all but us two single gals when our friends new baby had a cut on his hand and when asked why I sarcastically answered, “He’s cutting.  He’s really depressed about all of his indigestion” (in all fairness he really did do it to himself with his very long nails), or my girlfriend expressed her disappointment in his bulimia problem when he spit more out than he kept in, but c’mon…those things should be a little funny whether single, married, with children, or not…right?

Anyways, is there a divide in how you feel when you have kids and when you don’t…or is it really about the individual and how they handle those little bundles of disast…joy and whether they can love their single friends despite their ridiculously inappropriate funny bones.  I mean, we’ll have our time too…and then they can exact their revenge.

“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.” ~ Eat Pray Love

The Ginga Ninja

 

A Brave New World

So, the question is…what 30 year old woman gives up a good guy and chooses to be SINGLE?  Egad. Say it ain’t so.  Today’s society (no matter how hard we try) still shuns a single woman over the age of 29.  Who cares if she is divorced by 31, so long as she has snuck that first wedding in , thank god.

Kidding. Well…sort of.

But, what is the definition of Single?  Is it somebody who has never been married, has never had a serious relationship, has never dated, only casually dates, or somebody who has been divorced or even widowed? In a way, I suppose it’s all of the above.  One thing is for sure though, single men are eligible bachelors, and well, single women…..spend their life looking for Mr. Right, or even in the interim, Mr. Right Now.

It is actually so much easier to be a single woman today than ever before as far as the stigma is concerned, but sometimes I think those Victorian women had it the best.  Never had to work, sat around and did needlepoint all day with servants, had people hold doors and throw coats over puddles…and with corsets you never really needed to worry about your figure because it did it for you!  Holy Bosoms batman.  If you are lucky enough to catch a fella’s eye, he’ll take care of you…and if you aren’t…well, then your daddy will.

Today’s women are expected to be educated, employed , financially stable, smart, respectful, sexy….and not to mention possibly eventual mothers.  But, with most of us in schools until our mid-20’s, knee-deep in debt, how can we be ready to settle down by the age of 30, or crazier still, have our careers, relationships, and possibly even a baby popped out by that age!  Thankfully 30 is the new 20….or so I’ve heard.  That decade from 30 – 40 where you are supposed to have it all figured out sure is a bitch.  Damn that biological clock.

Anyways, I have married friends, common-low friends, divorced friends, and even those still looking for that first love.   And ladies, though this is for you, I do have friends in the Lonely Men’s Club too.  Today there really is no true right or wrong, but you can be damn sure for all those empowered women out there, 50% of them are as scared as I am right now and simply putting up a good front.

If you happen to come across a single gal….give her a pat on the back, congratulate her for all she has accomplished thus far, and tell her that the world really is her oyster….or at least her shell.  She could use the encouragement, because behind that big smile, those flirty eyes, that devil may care attitude and insistence she is going to make it on her own…is a little girl who once upon a time imagined that the idea of “once upon a time” really existed…that life really was like a Romantic Comedy, that Prince Charming was really coming, and that you really could do it all.  She’s okay, she’s doing alright and frankly, just getting by in this crazy world.

It’s time to embrace being single. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, I’m not fabulous (though pretty darn cute and not bad in the kitchen if I do say so myself).  But, I’m not saying Single and Fabulous.  I’m saying Single and Surviving.

  “Don’t worry about Life, you’re not going to survive it anyway.”

The Ginga Ninja