Category Archives: Love and Men

Daddy, brother, boyfriend, or other. You love em whether you want to or not.

35 Reasons to Give up…or Give in…and Dance.

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Something is bothering me, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Whether the weather (hehe), the fact I still haven’t lost those 10 lbs, my fear over letting myself go in love and trust, or maybe plain and simply that I’m turning 35 is the culprit. There, I said it, an actuality that never seemed possible is happening – I can no longer pretend to be a child, or tell myself I have more time to figure it all out…for quite a while now, but particularly in the next 5 days – my need to be the person I’m supposed to be is now. Asthma, panic, wandering mind…you name it, but whatever has set in is settling in and nothing aside from exercise, hot baths, tears, or maybe some xanax could fix it.

This all sounds a little drastic, 35 is the new 25 and you are only as old as you feel…yada yadagettingold yada…it’s not really that old, when I was your age…you name your cliche. And until right this moment I didn’t think it was a problem. Then again, the end of the summer always causes my little Virgo brain to wander and worry. Cold nights, overcast days, a +1 to that age and even snowflakes are coming. Hell, with how I’m describing it, one would think I’m in Winterfell (Game of Thrones reference for those non-nerds out there).

But so on, and so forth this is life. This is all that is life. And this is a feeling I haven’t had in awhile. One I don’t like, one I don’t need, but maybe one that needs to happen to constantly grow. So, I’ll take a swig of beer, apartment dance my face off and remember, well, I’ll probably feel just like this one year from now. And a friend of mine, well, she is also facing this conundrum and facing it well. In her own right she realized that each and every year you could write a list of things you need to do, should do, should at least start, or at least start thinking about… or you could write a list of things you already have. So, alright 35, let’s do this, like she is doing 34 in style.

“Being a grown-up is hard. Like, all my passwords have to have at least eight characters and uppercase letters now. I don’t think a ton of people are trying to break into my account just to pay my gas bill.  We should be able to have easier passwords.” – Kate, Garfunkel & Oates

The Ginga Ninja

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Fears on my Pillow

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11939673_508650149289788_540609435_nThere’s a lot of fear in letting yourself go. Well, in whatever. Go headfirst into a school, country, career and most importantly love. You know, it’s easy to fall in love, not as easy to stay in it. So, let’s hope you break your ankle, because then you can’t get up (get it – because you have fallen? Hardy har har)

Anytime you find yourself in a meaningful relationship, you realize how quickly you dissolve into the other person. You have to start to give up your alone time, plans with friends and family and make the hard choices of where to be on the weekend, when to push for equal rights, when to back off for individualism. How to handle the I’m sorries as easily as the I love you’s and how to vehementaly watch the back of another, while still trying to watch your own. It’s a precious little balancing act, some that only few get right, and sometimes only right for awhile.

Maybe even harder is when you do think you have it all together, that right person, that ying to your yang, that white picket fence, is the eventual evolution of giving up your things, your space, your identity, yourself. Everybody says you won’t, and you can’t even be fully with somebody unless you know your boundaries, but you do, there is no ifs ands or buts around it, and if you want a future, you begin to let go of the past. And this my friend, is probably the scariest feeling of all. Letting yourself go, in trust, in faith, in paperwork, in finances, in asylums to another – it’s easy to second guess and it’s extremely easy to falter, but eventually you need to move forward.

Before long you dissolve into the relationship. First you give up your place, then you give up your taste. Compromising on furniture, clothes, where you eat and then one day you are just an appendage to someone else – no thoughts or no life of your own. I feel like without a space that’s just mine, I’ll disappear. – Larissa, the Carrie Diaries

The Ginga Ninja

The Weight of the World

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driben-peter-pin-up-girl-on-scaleFor a number of years now I haven’t really had to watch my weight. As long as I was gearing my diet more towards the food that made me feel physically better, well, the scale was watching itself. I could eat until I was full, drink when I wanted and really there wasn’t much to monitor. I had mainly cut out soda pop, limited sugar, minimized wheat…all in all it seemed like the diet modifications I had made had made me! Until recently…

In the last few months, I’m not sure if I can blame Christmas parties and boys, excess beers, or some new medication I’m on, but I gained. I gained what (to me) feels like a lot in a short amount of time and let me tell you, it’s not a good feeling. Now, I’m aware what water weight, pre menstrual weight, scales at night versus morning, naked versus clothed is all about. I can usually tell you my “real weight” within a pound or two just from how my clothes are fitting and know full well to ignore a lot of what the scale says, trust me, I’m a motivational scale guru for many.

That is, until today. Over the last few weeks I’ve actively been a little better. I did a cleanse (oh dear god, why we purposely give ourselves straight up diarrhea is beyond me), I’ve cut back my drinking, I’ve tried to minimize portions and go back to healthy snacking and less meals out. I’ve minimized that bread and returned to my sparkling waters and almond milks. And god bless the current boy as either he is blind and hasn’t noticed those increasingly-tight jeans, or he really just does love big boobs, but I could honestly say I think a pound or two has slid off and I’m feeling just a little sexier, but then again, what do I know, right?

Today the scale lied to me, or truthed me and I’m lying to myself. But, it had me up 3 lbs from a number I already was less than pleased with. And then 2 minutes later down 11lbs from that. And then 30 seconds after I had dropped another 7, and then regained 14 and then went back to the original weight. In a 4 minute window I was an 18 lb size difference, which is a lot when you just wanna know if a little less beer payed off!  I decided you know what? If I (think) I’m doing better, well, that’s step 1 and if my scale can bounce me from mental breakdown to win the lottery weight in a 4 minute window something must be wrong. I can assume that I am probably somewhere in the middle of all that and the most important thing is really the weight off my mind. So, I’m going to ignore it entirely, assume it’s broken and re-assess things base on how I’m feeling and things are fitting, not on a machine that can’t even make up its own mind (oh wait, that’s right – machines don’t have minds).

I guess that’s the best way to handle life. It’s about how you feel, not what you hear, not what you see, not numbers on a contract, things in a house, vacations in a scrapbook. At the end of the day, how you feel about you and your decisions is the only thing that really matters…you are just made up of matter anyway.

You gotta ask yourself this question. Am I gonna believe all those bad things those fools say about me today? Am I gonna to believe all those bad things those fools say about me… – Constantine, The Help

The Ginga Ninja

 

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New Year, New Perspective

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article-2344762-1A68F156000005DC-570_306x423How close minded are you? In today’s day and age, people are told not to settle. We can all survive without a partner and chances of that partnership lasting are slim. So, we date, we live together, we sleep around and sometimes we think long and hard before we commit. But, all this “not settling” and hesitation means that we can become very (for lack of a better word), picky. We want the perfect partner for us. The person who adds to our life, not detracts and the person you could live with for awhile, even if not forever.

Gone are the days of meeting naturally. The pond is bigger, the competition is fierce and we know deep down, we may never meet that person who will complete us. With online dating comes a plethora of knowledge long before you’ve even met. We can pinpoint our exact type down to their astrology sign. But, has all this knowledge made us hard?

On paper I know my type. But, if I’m honest, I rarely have sparks with on-paper perfection. I once started talking to somebody who lived in a neighbouring town. When asked why it was a problem, I stated that I didn’t want to drive 40 minutes to see him or spend my weekends away. Been there, done that, have the war wounds. BUT, in the same breath admitted that I was fully willing to commit to somebody in a different country. My friend very quickly caught the obvious flaw in my argument – you aren’t willing to drive to another city, but you are okay with another country?

It made me realize how small we have painted our visions of our perfect partner. We know what career they should
have, how much they should make, how many siblings are ideal and what geographical region they should live in. The hurdles we create are so high that nobody will ever finish that race. But, once in awhile, every once in a big, blue map2moon, we meet somebody who forces us to throw it all out the window. Their accent, religion, upbringing, family life, job, view on politics, and country are completely wrong and yet something about them is completely right.

This same friend of mine also admitted that her ex-boyfriend was perfect. He was the perfect gentlemen, the perfect boyfriend and better yet the perfect ex-boyfriend. They were blessed to have the amicable breakup that we all dream of and to this day he maintains she is wonderful and he would’ve loved her forever. BUT, despite this dreamy Ken doll being the epitome of what she thought she wanted in a man, instead she found herself attracted to a much older, divorced, folically-challenged father. A person that never in a million years would have made her cut-off list was suddenly candidate number one.

This made me think…why are we all so narrow minded on who we want to be with? When it comes to love and logic, rarely do the two ever coincide. I read a great article put out by a dating site reminding us that when you follow your heart over your head, you may just be surprised who you end up with. Maybe that funny, musical, poetic guy who gives you nightly backrubs has a different religious upbringing or education level. Maybe that six-figure ringing social climber with the great job, car and condo actually lacks emotional intelligence and empathy. We can’t go out and create the perfect person, because frankly, one doesn’t exist. All we can do is trust our instincts. Sometimes it may be in the form of logic, other times lust, but the only way to learn, grow, or maybe make the best mistake of your life is to risk the unknown.

We build too many walls and not enough bridges. – Sir Isaac Newton

The Ginga Ninja

Do you have a type?

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92aa65d3dcf2d56f04095a68641c0ac2I’ve heard over and over again that I most definitely have a type. I think they look different, act different, talk different and interests vary, but from an outsiders point of view I have a very specific type. Brunette, 5’10 – 6’1, generally somewhat athletic, somewhat musical and open to new things. The problem with this little makeup is that everybody around me sees the same guy over and over, yet I can tell you exactly how they differ down to their neer-be-mentioneds.

Some are stronger communicators. Some are handier. Some are estranged from their families. Some are mamma’s boys. Some have daddy issues. Some have depression. Some have god complexes. Some are happy all the time. Some like biographies. Some like video games. Some excel at volleyball. Some dig baseball. Some like reggae, whereas others like hardcore rap, hell, one only knows songs because they are punk covers. None read enough, most mope about the things they don’t have, and all like to drink. So, you see, I see many different guys and even though I keep tweaking that recipe over and over, I just haven’t perfected it.

I never expected this whole dating in your 30’s, deciphering texts, reading between the lines, juggling competition to Royalportable_redbe my life. This can’t be my life, it’s a funny storyline in a hilarious television show, but sadly, it isn’t, it’s actually my life. And hers, and his, and a million other friends I have. We just don’t seem to have the ability to land those keepers that actually make sense. But, I guess I’ll keep trialling out new contestants, because what other choice do I have? Well, I guess, trialling out cats.

A funny scene in a show I recently discovered pointed out how there was something remarkably wrong about every person that this girl ever dated and I can’t help but feel like there is some truth in it. The differences, rights and wrongs I find are in the people I actually date, this does not even fringe upon the people I have talked to or entertained a “meet with”. There are many kinds of people out there, but more importantly there are many kinds of the wrong people out there. The key is to never settle and find the one kind of wrong that’s right for you. I think somebody must have changed my lock.

What’s this guy’s problem? The last one was Racist Dave, before him was Ambiguous Andrew and Micropenis Paul. Ya, it’s a war out there! So, what’s this guy’s deal, does he smell like a cat, does he have a cat, is he a cat?                                                                                                                                                                                        – Frankie & Grace

Now if only we could find out what they all say about me….

The Ginga Ninja

This is my Journey, This is My Song…

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accept-brown-cry-feelings-red-Favim.com-229253Every now and again amongst all the family functions, friends, social media updates, weather changes, mundane cleaning, laundry, garbage and the inevitable mandatories of life…somewhere in all of that is me. I know that I am not the most important, or correction even an important person in the scheme of the world, but I’m me and I’m all I got. All these feelings, emotions, up days, down days, flirtations, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of pride…they seem to have nowhere to go. There are days where I know my trials, inner workings, needs and wants are no more important than anybody else’s and really my story is not one that the world needs to know to be a better place.

Yet, I have….feelings. Feelings about being happy in the moment, sadness at times, uneasiness, uncertainty, confusion…and I constantly try to shut these down. I try to bury all the bad and decide they are simply moments and they don’t make my overall, but I think, as human as we are, we need to relish in them too. Sure, I’m not that special, but do I have the right to confusion or controversy, the right to wallow in self-pity or get pissed off because I don’t understand an outcome? Sure do. Maybe I feel things a little too deep or think things a little too much, but that’s just me. Maybe I try to predict the outcome long before the tale has been told and maybe I need to organize things into rational boxes in order to stay a rational person, but reality is, right or wrong I’m not you and you aren’t me. And emotions aren’t rational.

As I get older I have learned that acceptance of your good and bad traits is necessary for survival. Nobody is perfect 17602003-Sympathy-Word-Cloud-Concept-in-Red-Caps-with-great-terms-such-as-sorrow-feelings-loss-support-prayer-Stock-Photoand the more we strive to be so, the more we let everyone (including ourselves) down. And here’s the scary truth, we aren’t letting anybody down. This is a common misconception placed on us as kids – be good, be helpful, be honest, be hardworking, be all you can be…but really, be who you can live with. And more importantly, realize that you will have good days and bad. Moments where you write to clear your head, moments where you sing to clear your lungs and moments where you cry to clear your soul.

A new favourite song of mine is “The Long Haul” by Sean Rowe. It honestly brings me to tears everytime I hear it. At first I felt a bit of shame in my unleashed emotions, but now I think I’m starting to think it’s gonna be okay. If you have a song, a movie, a person or a memory that can bring you to your knees – go ahead and kneel down, what’s a scrape or two if it makes you stronger?

And I never hit the Spring so hard
A new born song on an old guitar
And I know what it means to be alive

You drive me crazy in all kinds of ways
Love kicked my head and took down my name
Oh, what happened?

I feel so light and I move like a bird
Hard as a rose sharp as a word
Oh, I’m happy

When I die
Where I go I don’t know
Through the sky maybe down low
Whichever is for real

Ginga Ninja

Head vs Heart

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I was told to brain dump.

4play-Heart-vs-Mind2What is a brain dump you ask? Well, I guess it’s like the other kind of dump…but getting stuff out of your mind instead of your bowels. I’ve always wondered how important words are. Sometimes I find that they are incredibly powerful, other times I feel like they are so meaningless. I think the reason why so many love songs exist is because somebody out there really needed to brain dump. We want to say a million and one things to a particular someone, but pride, fear, days gone by, uncertainty and a million other somethings prevent us from doing so.

Sometimes we do tell them everything we are thinking and get painted as crazy or dramatic. Sometimes we spill our guts and come away with an outcome that is worse than the original scenario. Over the years, talking hasn’t been my problem until it comes to feelings. For some reason, I’m afraid to lose face and I’m afraid to admit feelings so I put up my walls, make my definitive statements and always decide that fate, time or common sense will prevail. Why am I so afraid to discuss what I do or don’t want with somebody?  What’s the worst that happens…you lose them? If you can lose them that easily, well you never really had them. I seem constantly afraid to lose something I didn’t have to begin with.

The mind is a funny thing and we often refer to our heart as full, fragile, broken, bruised… but the head and the heart are the same thing really. It’s all in the mind. It’s chemicals, racing blood streams, pounding veins and fight or flight responses that create a feeling of wanting, longing, yearning and the unknown. More so, well, add to that the memory bank that the mind stores… and we are all fucked.

I think the reason why we have broken hearts and heartache is that the physical repercussions of pain and fear is similar to that of the fight or flight response. Increased heart rate, fixated thoughts, jitters, shakes, anxiousness and an overwhelming surge of adrenaline…and often with this can come shortness of breath, heart palpitations, sore lungs and even asthma attacks. So, it’s not really the heart breaking, but it sure can feel like it.

Either way, head or heart, crazy or sane…it’s probably always best to say what you mean and mean what you say, otherwise you wind up the author of a blog. Kidding. You wind up the author of an awesome blog.

So, my friend. If you have a problem, whatever that problem may be, dump away. There is nothing more therapeutic than just writing down what you are feeling no matter how crazy or irrational it may be. Well, maybe putting it into lyrics or singing away at the top of your lungs, but that bottle of gin, shotgun or bridge may not look as bright and shiny in the morning.

Don’t follow your head, for it has no heart; don’t follow your, heart for it has no logic; follow your soul, for it has both. – Nishan Panwar

The Ginga Ninja