I’ve never been a big fan. I like the feeling of a crush when it seems to be going well, but dear god I hate it when it starts going badly. That racing brain, those obsessive thoughts, the “why” of what you did, could have done different, or didn’t do to make it turn out the way it finally did. And the funny thing is, we are all like this. Well…if we have the ability to feel, think and crush we are. There is a reason it is called “falling” – it hurts, and you can definitely get “crushed”. However, if you are a detached cool mamma like a good friend of mine, well, off is off. Most of us are not blessed with this skill though, so I will assume that when you start talking to a promising keeper, this is probably what you are going through (cue hair pulling now).
But, for me dating is no different than any relationship, with any new person – friend, foe or lover. You don’t really know them, their story, who they are and why they are, or, sometimes, are not talking to you. We get a snippet of somebody and then when they bail without a word, we are left holding the bag of empty dreams and broken conversations. Of course we don’t know these people and we will live. Of course they do not change the path of our life, affect our friendships or fix our health issues. But, for that moment…for that fleeting moment…you let yourself dream. You let yourself dream it was going well and this little future of massages, hot tubs, endless hugs and trivia nights could actually happen. All these things they said while flirting with you, could maybe, inevitably, come true.
The worst is, we all feel just like this when it doesn’t go our way. But, what about the ones we don’t care to answer, chock up to being drunk, or just don’t have time in our schedule for? We don’t obsess over those, we barely feel bad. In recent years, I have tried to make a point of being accountable for my own actions. If I go any more than 5 days continuous contact, I feel I owe it to them to tell them I am out, no matter the stage. They could very well be on the other end of this starting to make their fake little plans…and the rollercoaster of feelings that is a new romance could be screwing with their day. Maybe it isn’t screwing with mine and I could care less, but knowing how bad it feels when I do care more, I think I owe it to them to say it’s just not for me.
Sadly (and uncontrollably) though, I get upset when somebody doesn’t give me the same common courtesy. I’m meant to think they are an insensitive jerk, an immature ass, a fake future talker, or they don’t have any emotional depth. However, I’ve done the same and I don’t think I’m a jerk. I think the problem is, we can all ACT like jerks because we live in a self-serving world where the moment somebody fucks with your schedule or pre-existing plan…the moment they are an unnecessary obligation…we are out.
So, why don’t I let it roll off my back, decide I’m better and move on? I eventually do. But, only after going through a gamut of emotions over a 5 day period. The “will I hear from him” phase, the “maybe something happened to him” phase, the “I can’t believe I didn’t hear from him” phase and finally the “it’s his loss” phase. But, here’s the thing. We aren’t 19 anymore. We shouldn’t let somebody else decide our worth, but we also shouldn’t just ignore somebody that we had interest in and we shouldn’t decide their feelings don’t matter. Maybe they aren’t for you, (well, that’s obvious that not everyone is), but why leave people hanging? Why not just say you are out, when you are out? It would save a whole lot of people from self-doubt and wondering if the person lost their phone, their charger, or their mind.
Funnily enough, I did have an ex who constantly had his battery die (I witnessed it), and a friend who left her cell in her hometown for three weeks. It does happen. And I do have the friend of a friend of a friend who was so angry she googled…and the poor bastard had actually died. But, let’s be clear…for the most part when you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras. If you don’t hear from them, you eventually get the message, but wouldn’t be easier if you ACTUALLY GOT THE MESSAGE.
I keep approaching life with the new mantra of no games and being accountable for my actions and hoping the same from others. Three times back-to-back I haven’t gotten it, but what I did get across is a point. A good friend of mine actually decided to tell a girl he had been stalling with that he wasn’t feeling it. Know what? She took is surprisingly well and stopped contacting him. So, after all of this, we decided, maybe this wasn’t my lesson to learn at all, but his.
The Ginga Ninja