Tag Archives: wrong

Just goes to show, you never can tell.

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You never can tell.

There are times I feel like a crazy person. Times I feel ostracized, outed, unsure, uncertain and just straight up envious of others. And you know what, I have wondered, do you think anybody ever feels jealous of me?

I guess I believed that as a kid they might. They just might. Over sports…or my house…certainly not my parents’ parenting or my ginger looks. And I guess I believed they just might when I picked up and moved across the world, littering Facebook with my uber amazing couply travel photos. And I guess I believed it when my beotchy coworker said “Sorry I’m not as perfect as you” immediately after she was reprimanded. And I guess I believed it when I accidentally lost a bunch of weight and suddenly looked good in a bikini and could rock a small.

But, those are all one-offs right? That coworker actually ended up crazy wealthy and on TV. Those sports skills? Well, they created these multi-surgeried, excessively scarred 70 year old knees. And those looks? Well, I’m still a ginger. And that weight? Well, I gained it back…and then some.

So, why would anybody envy me, lil old me, right?

Wrong. That perfect-post, quick to commit, new dog, skinny bod, wildest dreams come true girl you envy? Well, for reasons you may not know, for reasons you would never know from the shiny, bright, outside Instagram perspective…they envy you. They envy your nature, your honesty, your jokes, your ability to understand, they envy what you’ve learned, or the love they think you have. But, who knew?

And there is life summed up as a girl. We all want to believe somebody else’s life is better, purer, prettier, surer than ours. Nobody feels how we feel, nobody doubts how we doubt, nobody envies how we envy, nobody cries how we cry. But, here’s a secret…they do.

“If we knew each other’s secrets, what comforts we should find.”  – John Churton Collins

The Ginga Ninja

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Did I spell rong wrong?

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I’ve been trying to put my finger on what exactly has been wrong lately, and somehow…I can’t.red-quote

There is no big bad wolf knocking at my door, no financial crisis lurking around the corner, no extreme loneliness, no terrible boss, no family drama, no pet crisis, no major health scares. Things are more together than they have been in a really long time…and once in awhile, one in a blue moon, I think THAT is the problem.

I’ve been fighting my demons as I age. They say your 30’s are actually the greatest decade, and truthfully I believe it. I’ve been navigating my way through the unknown and learning to give the finger to more of what doesn’t work in my world. The thing is, the more I give the finger to things and the deeper I root myself into my little world…the further I drift away from all those someday dreams I used to have. Someday wedding, someday house, someday trip, someday career…

As I get older and make rash decisions my chances for somedays get smaller. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wanted to live in this world. The present, the real, the everyday…and most days it’s a great world to live in. Understand and appreciate what you do have, just don’t think about the rest…but every once in awhile…every once in panic-inducing while…something feels wrong.

I have always struggled with the thought that something feeling wrong meant something in your life was actually…wrong. I didn’t understand that as a human I would have good days and bad, secure and insecure moments and would feel “that” feeling in the pit of my stomach, pushing up against my lungs…for many reasons other than actual hardship.

A big meeting, a hard test, a first kiss…these can all create those feelings. So, lately…when they creep up…I need to fight the urge to assume something is actually out of place in my world and needs fixing. I need to accept the fact that it’s okay to feel bad when you send a cat to the shelter or let a new crush down. It’s okay to feel bad when you can’t afford your vacation or you get dis-invited to a cottage because they over counted. It’s okay to feel bad. Hell, it’s okay to feel.

So, as I struggle to figure out what exactly is wrong…I think the answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong, other than my inability to feel bad without feeling wrong. And frankly, that in itself is what is wrong.

Life is Messy.  It Kicks you in the Ass. That’s right, I said Ass.  But, it does, it kicks you in the ass.  And the messy parts are the best parts. – Jess, New Girl

The Ginga Ninja

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I’m Just Trying to Hang Up My Coat

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Everyone has their own song to sing, own bell to ring and own dragon to slay.  How big or bad your challenges are can be impacted by many things and a challenge is a challenge, whether it is big or small.    images

For many, their battles are difficult – finding a new job, going back to school, raising children, losing weight, learning to accept or learning to forgive. Nobody knows what somebody else is going through and nobody knows how big and bad your demons are.

Well, sometimes life, and change are not about the big things.  Sometimes you can be happy with all the big things and realize that all you can work on day in, day out are the small ones.  So, for anybody that doesn’t have a life-changing goal in mind, remember that a day-changing one is good too.  For me, I’m focusing on my bad habits and the little things that will make my organized chaos a little more organized.  As a friend put it, I’m not trying to lose weight, re-direct my career, or gain a diploma…I’m just trying to hang up my coat”.  A lot can be said for that one little statement and what it means in regards to life.

With age comes wisdom and with time comes less opportunities to change your world.  Small steps are still steps and if you think about it carefully, you can get a lot more small steps into a lifetime than you can big ones.

There’s going to be a time when you don’t want people to know how old you are.  Because you will realize that you haven’t accomplished any of your goals. – George, Go On

The Ginga Ninja

I Coulda been Somebody, I Coulda been a Contender

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On_the_Waterfront_posterI have a friend who tells me I’m really bad with perspective because I compare.  The funny thing is the other day she also said the same of herself.  I walk around and say “most people are…” or “I should be…” which in all reality makes no sense for me because I commonly break all these rules anyways.  You should date people you’re own age, you should settle down and get a respectable job after school; you should stay at home to save money.  Maybe I say these things because deep down my good little girl inner-child who (secretly) wants to please my parents and play with the good kids believes them…yet… I never ever actually do these things.  Does this instead just make me a contemplating badass?  A rebel with a cause?

I know that normal doesn’t exist.  In fact, as mentioned already, I heard that normal people are only people you don’t know yet.  I have enough experience and baggage to know life isn’t always easy.  I also fought damn hard to get others to accept the things I was finally accepting about myself.  I’m perfectly flawed and I know it.  Imperfectly balanced you might even say.  I have finally accepted that certain quirks and traits aren’t going away no matter how much I want them too or how much I try…no matter how much I sometimes wish I could pull some magic movie stunt and live someone else’s life for awhile just to see how it feels.

But, I guess even in that scenario I would still want to be me…you know, be aware that I’m now somebody else…which makes no sense at all.  In fact, in all the switcheroo movies I could think of, there is no plot that evolves this way…well, because it’s impossible.  Freaky Friday, Big, The Change Up, 17 Again…these characters merely swap bodies or have the wrong-aged mind in a different-aged body.

So, I guess I’m actually not that great at comparing after all, as I even when trying to come up with a good movie comparison, I can’t.

If that were the case I might swap my body for the one I had at 25, or maybe spend a day in one of Hefner’s Playboy Bunnies, but who are we kidding.  For as many things that I wish weren’t parts of me, there are just as many that I am happy that are.  I have to hope that those who love me – love me for the good…and not-so good traits too.  So for anybody that gets a little too competitive at Jeopardy, is obsessed with finding the best sugarless chocolate, puts the toilet paper roll on backwards, uses Kleenex to the bitter end, or thinks too much about what they should be doing instead of what they actually do…remember that should be doing and actually doing are 2 very different things and both are probably wrong…because frankly, no right exists.

Like the famous Marlon Brando scene in “On the Waterfront” there are people out there with expectations of how they could or should act, or in this case who they could or should be.  His character states, “You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it.”

Coulda, woulda, shoulda…..maybe some people really believe they can go back and undo things to make it different….me, I just believe that maybe as far as society goes there are things I “should” do….(and unfortunately may always reference them when I believe I’ve taken a gamble outside the secure and successful), but…I won’t.

Because frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn – Rhett Butler.  images

The Ginga Ninja

And Your Number’s Up.

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Why is 11:11 haunting me and what does it mean?

When you were a kid, did you make a wish every time you saw 11:11 on a clock?  I sure did.  The very simple phrase, “11:11, make a wish” has come out of my mouth for a good 30 years.  But, like a jinxsies, it wasn’t all that often and was just a cute little stop sign in your altogether busy today to take a minute and enjoy the moment with whoever you were with…or wish you were with.  Aha.

But lately….lllaaattteeely…this is more than a once in a blue moon occurrence.  This is more than a here and there, once every 6 months, or in the company of other’s kind of occurrence.  It is a weekly, if not daily, if not twice daily happening that is frankly starting to creep me out.  It is eerie and abnormal and in some ways I want it to stop, but in other ways I’m not sure it should.

You see, the thing is, 11:11 is a global phenomenon.  Ancient philosophers and the Bible alike put importance on this number, as do new age spiritual followers and even psychics.  I never thought much of it, until a friend mentioned to me that it had been following her around.  She realized that it meant something more than meets the eye and knowing I’m a bit of an open-minded soul, directed it my way.  Well, she seemed to have opened some sort of cosmic Pandora’s box, because whatever was on her shoulder has most definitely moved on to mine.

I joke that it’s the same old personal perception phenomenon that we all experience now and again.  Buy a new car, everyone has the same car.  Visit a city, and suddenly the city is in every TV show and song you hear. Try a new restaurant and everyone else has too.  It is the mere fact that something happened in your life and therefore you notice what you never noticed before. I told her that I would start looking for the number 9:08 and since then have not seen it even once, but 11:11? Don’t even get me started. This is different, this is constant, this is unplanned and this is unnatural.  I keep thinking that if I plan to try to see it, then I will twice a day every day, but I don’t.  I’m starting to think this isn’t my plan at all.

Apparently seeing 11:11 can be life’s little way of telling you to open your eyes.  Spiritual guardians have a watch on you and a change is coming. Some believe it is a divine opening, or a snapshot in life; a rift in time and space where all is suspended and in that moment you can insert an alternate reality into your future.  I already live in unreality half the time, so for me and my good friend…well, this means a whole hell of a lot of time not living in the real world.

More seriously though, after months of this, a major change did come for her.  And sadly, not necessarily a good one, but it most definitely caused her to open her eyes and evaluate her life.  I have also had a change recently, I started a new job, but in some ways it is counter-productive to the bigger personal journey I had already begun. I have been in transition and have come to realize that the person I am and the person I thought I was meant to be aren’t necessarily one and the same. What is still coming, only time will tell.  Something tells me I’m into something strange.  But, something also tells me I’m not alone.  And that in itself is strange, even if only for that one minute.

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/11:11_(numerology)

http://www.examiner.com/article/number-11-and-its-meaning-the-bible

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2013/04/29/what-is-the-significance-of-1111/

http://www.examiner.com/article/the-11-11-phenomenon-not-just-another-internet-meme

Time is only an illusion. – Albert Einstein

The Ginga Ninja

Love is a Battlefield

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images (1)I had to look long and hard about why a ghost from my past still bothered me.  I mean, the point of breaking up is to move forward and meet better matches, right?  That, or I guess working on yourself…or boning a hockey team, but we’ll go with meeting better matches for the sake of this argument.  Well, as I pointed out last year I had the secret family recipe for a perfect breakup, only the aftermath was nothing like I planned.

Anytime I look back and feel shame, regret, anger or sadness I have to ask myself why.  Why would I still be bothered by something that ended a long time ago and ended for the right reasons?  Plain and simple, I realized it came in one word.  Justice.  I wanted justice.

I have some regrets over feelings I felt way back when and in hindsight there were things I wished I had done differently, said differently or felt differently.  But, there is absolutely no way to go back and unfeel something.  That is a lot more than turning back the clock on a fight, a swear word or an action.  Feelings are cumulative, feelings take time. As I also pointed out last year, if you felt something, you must have had a reason at the time. Looking back doesn’t do you a whole heck of a lot of good because the memory you see isn’t entirely complete.  Either you forget all the bad they did too, or you glorify the good and both can drive you stark raving mad.  You cannot undo the past.

Let me repeat.  You cannot undo the past.  I guess I liked to think I could at least handle the present.  Each and every time I received a message referencing how miserable we were, how we didn’t belong together or how we should just hop into the sack….I knew that those references of the past weren’t completely accurate because I was still being messaged…in my present.  The thing is, eventually that itself was the past too.  So, just like the relationship, why is it hard to let the aftermath of the relationship go?

A friend pointed out that for good people, coming to terms with what is and what was can be hard.  You can’t wrap your brain around how somebody else is going to act and the awful things they may say and do.  And that, at its core is what gets to me.  Like Carrie said in Sex and the City, “We keep dresses we’ll never wear again.  We throw away our ex boyfriends.  If you loved someone and you break up, where does the love go?”

When I look back at each and every thing I did in the aftermath, I understand why I did it and feel very little regret about my actions.  I tried my best to do and say the things that were warranted at the time and make me feel like less of a shit in the long run.  But, what I realized I got angry about was the actions of others, the actions I cannot control.  Uncontrollabe urges, disrespect, unanswered texts, insults, crazy rants and degrading comments…I am not angry about what I did or didn’t do, only sad at what was done to me.

So, that made me realize yet again, you can only control yourself.  If I am not angry at myself for my actions and words and I know that I cannot undo my past, why am I at times still living in it?  It was because I wanted justice.  I wanted the great apology, the heartful closure or the happy ending.  This is life buttercup, time to suck it up.  Just because you try to treat others fairly doesn’t mean everybody plays by those rules.  All is fair in love and war so they say.  Good old Pat Benatar pointed out “Love is a Battlefield”…probably because sometimes love and war really do feel the same.

I can’t be upset that life moved on without my karmic justice. The only thing I can control is my own life, my own mind, my own feelings, thoughts and actions and ultimately only half of my relationships.  It takes two to tango and if you aren’t the one stepping on toes, I guess it’s fine to keep dancing, but maybe find a new dance partner.

“The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.”  – Bill Cosbycasting-background-black-ghost-wallpaper

The Ginga Ninja

How Many Cookies is Too Many Cookies?

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1fe593d84295afd171c0893021d56aaaSo, I’m a bad dieter.  I can find activity, I can minimize my portions, I can council friends, but ask me to cut a food out and you better keep an eye on that straight unbroken nose of yours.

I’ve honestly always believed in moderation.  In fact, Moderation could be my middle name.  It’s not, in case you are wondering, but it could be.

I once had a friend say “I don’t understand how you aren’t fat.  You have cookies, chips and ice cream in the house and yet you aren’t fat”.  Well, the thing ya see, is that I grew up with all those things in the house…and three older brothers.  Believe it or not, when chips, cookies and ice cream are there whenever you want them…you don’t actually tend to want them that often.

But, even I need to admit that four Girl Guide mint patties and three heaping spoonfuls of chocolate chunk cookie dough may be overdoing it.  I guess my new middle name could be Cookie Monster.

So, for my girls who just can’t seem to get on top of those extra pounds and your willpower gets the better of you, just remember, it happens to the best of us.

(In case you didn’t catch that…aka me).

The Ginga Ninja

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