Tag Archives: single

Trivial Pursuit or Love? Both are just Games.

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dice-02-1024x787I have been dating for about…17 years now.  When I was younger, I don’t think I handled the crushes, maybes and what ifs too bad, but handled the big ones like a teenage drama queen.  Now, I can say the opposite seems to reign true.  The big ones?  Well, I do my best not to come undone, though the transition from being part of a twosome to creating your own identity is a hard one, so I may still unravel from time to time.  But, those maybes, what ifs, booty calls, whatsits and whosits?  Well, there are probably just as many of them as when I was younger, but they feel so much worse now. Perhaps it’s my societal clock ticking and the feeling that another one bites the dust, but sometimes I try to figure out why they feel so much worse, so heart-wrenchingly, sweat-inducingly horrific.  I mean, many, many times it is me pulling the chute, so why when somebody else leaves me hanging does it feel so bad?

I think that part of it has to do with having some piece of your newfound identity associated to loving yourself unconditionally and refusing to play games with your life, or your love.  But, what happens when you live by your rules and the other party doesn’t?  It brings us right back to the same old lesson.  You can’t control others, you can’t control the unknown and ultimately you can’t control life.  All you can control is your reaction to it.  So, sometimes I wonder why my reaction is so strong.  How can I actually question if I’m unloveable or whether I did something wrong because somebody else decided they didn’t want to be mine afterall?

That sounds harsh, but it’s true.  Of course we aren’t a match for everyone.  And of course sometimes somebody is using me as a distraction or timing really is everything.  The road to hell was paved with good intentions so they say.  But, how can somebody not fully chasing after you leave you feeling just a little bit less worthwhile?  Don’t you ultimately want to be with somebody who wants to be with you?  Yes. Yes.  And let me repeat…Yes.

We forget our worth when we are in it.  When we are in it, we think if only I hadn’t sent that picture, that extra text, lost my temper that one time, made that stupid joke, waited so long to get back to them…it would all be okay.  But, maybe sometimes it isn’t about us at all, but about the types of people we are willing to put our time into.  We love the idea of someone, even if not the right someone.  It explains why we can feel like something is missing…when it was never ours in the first place.  It is the idea of that ever elusive happily ever after, and all your dreams coming true that make you question if it is in fact YOU.  Deep down is it you, but not necessarily for the reasons you think.

It’s time to retrain ourselves.  Don’t lower your standards.  Don’t think you are too picky.  Don’t play hard to get.  Don’t play games.  Don’t change your values to win over the wrong person.  And don’t, please don’t (because I do) question whether you could have changed the outcome if only you had done something differently.  Maybe you could have.  But, do you want to be with a person who will end it because you sent one text too many, or admitted you were insecure from time to time?  Trust me, you can be good at playing the game, and still wish there wasn’t a game to play.

So, read this fantastical post (yes, I know it’s not a word, but put fantastic & wonderful together and the world becomes a better place) by fellow blogger, Aaron Westera and take all that it says to heart.  And I mean literally to heart – to YOUR heart.  You are not to be toyed with, you are not to be under-appreciated.  If you have to play games to get somebody, well, then you don’t have them to begin with and if they make you feel any less than the best version of you…run.  Run fast and run far.  But, run baby, run.

http://aaronwestera.tumblr.com/post/22917411339/it-all-starts-at-hello#.Ux0gyvldXt8

The Ginga Ninja

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Show Me the Money

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rmoneyWhen it comes to finances and life; is there a right way and a wrong way to handle money?  I used to think so.  I don’t think so much anymore.

I always came from the school of thought that you work your ass off, save as much as you can, minimize debt, try to squeeze as much fun as you can out of every last dime and always save for a rainy day.  In more recent years, despite the fact that I still have loads of debt, I also have more liquidity.  If I were smart I would be squirreling away what I do have and making some sort of investment, yet I find myself throwing caution (and money) to the wind in an effort to get back all those wasted years of worrying about money all the time.

This is not to say I never worry about money anymore.  I do, everyone does.  Even my brother who makes the value of his house every year in wages worries about money, but I must admit I don’t worry the same.  On a recent drunken escapade I mentioned to a friend that if it’s $60 and under I no longer worry, I just buy.  The stupidity of that theory is spend $60 too many times and it adds up.  At one point in my 20’s I actually had to count my takeout coffees to decide whether or not I could hit up the bar on the weekend, or afford that new 50% off coat.  How quickly we forget where we came from.

But, when are finances black and white?  We all know people who spend like there is no tomorrow and can’t help but tsk them in the back corner, but we also know people who are cheap bastards and ask for money to pitch into meat.  There has to be a happy medium.

And what happens to your finances when you are suddenly single? All those fantastic savings plans, RRFPs, mortgages, and education bonds sort of fly right out the window.  Does the heart become more important than the head when it comes to money?  Well, I think this area has shades of grey as well.

A good friend of mine did the decent thing in a breakup and walked away with nothing.  He gave up the house, the savings and all earthly belongings just to have a clean break.  Now, a year or two later, he finds himself in a financial pickle.  The head has caught up to the heart and clarity reigns once more.  However, I have another friend who was so intent on getting return from his investment, he attempted to stay in the mortgage with his ex for the long haul, inevitably tying them together for years to come.  So, when do you cut your losses?

I think I can say there isn’t a real right or wrong when it comes to finances…or feelings.  Everybody will have opinions, many will be wrong and somewhere deep in the middle is the fine line we are all searching for.  All I can say is that the last two years have rocked me financially and yet I am more loosey goosey with my funds then ever before.  Call it carefree, call it crazy, but I know I can call it life right now.  And my friend, since I don’t know where that is heading, all I can do is pray for my next keeper to be a multi-billion dollar investment banker living off the coast of Costa Rica in his beachfront home with a yacht parked out front…kidding, sort of.piggybank-red

“When I was young, I thought money was the most important thing in the world.  Now that I am older, I know it is.”  – Oscar Wilde

The Ginga Ninja

Life is the Messy Bits

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redhead family

This past weekend was Family Day weekend.  That actually makes no sense, as Family Day is a day and I just referenced it as a weekend…however, we had the Monday off as it was Family Day.  In essence, this created a long weekend.  Phew, thank god I clarified that.

I, for one, actually spent the entire weekend with my actual family.  The whole lot of them.  A night with my brother, his kids, my other brother and his common-law lady, both their dogs and two cats.  I then proceeded to drive another 2 hours to visit my parents and third brother’s homes.  I saw my mom, my dad, my brother’s new wife, his kids, his step-kids, his ex-wife, her boyfriend, three dogs and even my new sister-in-law’s father and step-mother. Finally, I finished the night off texting with good friends and cuddling with my cats.

Family is a big, messy, complication nowadays.  There is rarely such a thing as the nuclear family and there are few expectations of happily ever after.  Hell, I have friends who only went to see other friends and probably count them closer to family then they do their own siblings.  Like Modern Family, there is no one way to have a family now.  Like The New Normal, there is no normal anymore.

I know for me – well, my sister-in-law, my common-law sister-in-law, my new sister-in-law and even my ex-sister-in-law are all important people in my life.  The ex is the closest thing that I’ve ever had to a sister and in a weird way her boyfriend is like my brother-in-law.  And the new additions to my brother’s family?  Well, those would now be my niece and nephew.

There is no wrong way to have a family.  At least not in my books.  So, go out and appreciate yours, whatever version that may be.  Don’t feel guilty for enjoying time with them and don’t feel guilty for not enjoying time with them…just remember there is no real expectation anymore and you shouldn’t feel bad for who you love…or are forced to tolerate.

So, embarassingly enough, like Erma Bombeck says,  “I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”

The Ginga Ninja

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I Love You Just the Way I Am

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Hmmm.  So, my second Valentine’s Day in a row single….

If I’m really honest, I didn’t know if that would be the case a year ago.  I didn’t really know what I wanted.  I’m not quite as optimistic as last year, however probably more realistic.  I’ve really only been on my own for just over a year and since I’ve been in relationships 6.5 of the last 9.5 years and always seem to have some crush, admirer, or casual fling on the side…it’s probably not a bad thing. Something tells me that hindsight will tell me it’s actually a pretty good thing.

I’m feeling a little less mushy and a little bit more independent. A little less hopeless and a little more hopeful…or you could reverse those depending on the topic.  Last year I knew a lot of change was coming and this year, well, it came.

Either way, Valentine’s Day is not the be all and end all of anything – it never was.  Even when in love it was overrated, so why would we care now?  We shouldn’t and we won’t, but for those of you out there who do…all the power to you and Saint Valentine.

In honour of this hallowed day, I’m going to share some freaky old Valentine’s Day Cards.  People sure had a weird sense of humour back in the day and as I love a good pun as much as the next gal – Happy Valentine’s Day to Ewe.

The Ginga Ninja

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They Shoot Single People, Don’t They?

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I remember watching an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie discusses the things that change when you have kids.  Is there really a divide between the childless and those with children?

Just the other day I mentioned to my mom, “I know I’m not married and I know I don’t have kids, so I know I don’t count”, because the moment grandkids came into the picture, the singles lost their say.

But, are there things that we without children find funny that a parent would gasp in horror and shock about?  Probably.  But, I still find them funny.  I hope that when my turn comes, I still will.

Being a parent shouldn’t mean you lose your sense of humour; hopefully you gain it to be honest.  The reason I say this is because the things that parents must endure – temper tantrums, poo disasters, spit-up, vomit, broken limbs, and the most outrageous things coming out of a four-year old’s mouth can only make them laugh.  If it didn’t make them laugh, it would make them crazy…and nowadays there is only so much room at the funny farm.

Maybe the humour was lost on all but us two single gals when our friends new baby had a cut on his hand and when asked why I sarcastically answered, “He’s cutting.  He’s really depressed about all of his indigestion” (in all fairness he really did do it to himself with his very long nails), or my girlfriend expressed her disappointment in his bulimia problem when he spit more out than he kept in, but c’mon…those things should be a little funny whether single, married, with children, or not…right?

Anyways, is there a divide in how you feel when you have kids and when you don’t…or is it really about the individual and how they handle those little bundles of disast…joy and whether they can love their single friends despite their ridiculously inappropriate funny bones.  I mean, we’ll have our time too…and then they can exact their revenge.

“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.” ~ Eat Pray Love

The Ginga Ninja

 

A Brave New World

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So, the question is…what 30 year old woman gives up a good guy and chooses to be SINGLE?  Egad. Say it ain’t so.  Today’s society (no matter how hard we try) still shuns a single woman over the age of 29.  Who cares if she is divorced by 31, so long as she has snuck that first wedding in , thank god.

Kidding. Well…sort of.

But, what is the definition of Single?  Is it somebody who has never been married, has never had a serious relationship, has never dated, only casually dates, or somebody who has been divorced or even widowed? In a way, I suppose it’s all of the above.  One thing is for sure though, single men are eligible bachelors, and well, single women…..spend their life looking for Mr. Right, or even in the interim, Mr. Right Now.

It is actually so much easier to be a single woman today than ever before as far as the stigma is concerned, but sometimes I think those Victorian women had it the best.  Never had to work, sat around and did needlepoint all day with servants, had people hold doors and throw coats over puddles…and with corsets you never really needed to worry about your figure because it did it for you!  Holy Bosoms batman.  If you are lucky enough to catch a fella’s eye, he’ll take care of you…and if you aren’t…well, then your daddy will.

Today’s women are expected to be educated, employed , financially stable, smart, respectful, sexy….and not to mention possibly eventual mothers.  But, with most of us in schools until our mid-20’s, knee-deep in debt, how can we be ready to settle down by the age of 30, or crazier still, have our careers, relationships, and possibly even a baby popped out by that age!  Thankfully 30 is the new 20….or so I’ve heard.  That decade from 30 – 40 where you are supposed to have it all figured out sure is a bitch.  Damn that biological clock.

Anyways, I have married friends, common-low friends, divorced friends, and even those still looking for that first love.   And ladies, though this is for you, I do have friends in the Lonely Men’s Club too.  Today there really is no true right or wrong, but you can be damn sure for all those empowered women out there, 50% of them are as scared as I am right now and simply putting up a good front.

If you happen to come across a single gal….give her a pat on the back, congratulate her for all she has accomplished thus far, and tell her that the world really is her oyster….or at least her shell.  She could use the encouragement, because behind that big smile, those flirty eyes, that devil may care attitude and insistence she is going to make it on her own…is a little girl who once upon a time imagined that the idea of “once upon a time” really existed…that life really was like a Romantic Comedy, that Prince Charming was really coming, and that you really could do it all.  She’s okay, she’s doing alright and frankly, just getting by in this crazy world.

It’s time to embrace being single. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, I’m not fabulous (though pretty darn cute and not bad in the kitchen if I do say so myself).  But, I’m not saying Single and Fabulous.  I’m saying Single and Surviving.

  “Don’t worry about Life, you’re not going to survive it anyway.”

The Ginga Ninja