Tag Archives: problem

Love is a Battlefield

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images (1)I had to look long and hard about why a ghost from my past still bothered me.  I mean, the point of breaking up is to move forward and meet better matches, right?  That, or I guess working on yourself…or boning a hockey team, but we’ll go with meeting better matches for the sake of this argument.  Well, as I pointed out last year I had the secret family recipe for a perfect breakup, only the aftermath was nothing like I planned.

Anytime I look back and feel shame, regret, anger or sadness I have to ask myself why.  Why would I still be bothered by something that ended a long time ago and ended for the right reasons?  Plain and simple, I realized it came in one word.  Justice.  I wanted justice.

I have some regrets over feelings I felt way back when and in hindsight there were things I wished I had done differently, said differently or felt differently.  But, there is absolutely no way to go back and unfeel something.  That is a lot more than turning back the clock on a fight, a swear word or an action.  Feelings are cumulative, feelings take time. As I also pointed out last year, if you felt something, you must have had a reason at the time. Looking back doesn’t do you a whole heck of a lot of good because the memory you see isn’t entirely complete.  Either you forget all the bad they did too, or you glorify the good and both can drive you stark raving mad.  You cannot undo the past.

Let me repeat.  You cannot undo the past.  I guess I liked to think I could at least handle the present.  Each and every time I received a message referencing how miserable we were, how we didn’t belong together or how we should just hop into the sack….I knew that those references of the past weren’t completely accurate because I was still being messaged…in my present.  The thing is, eventually that itself was the past too.  So, just like the relationship, why is it hard to let the aftermath of the relationship go?

A friend pointed out that for good people, coming to terms with what is and what was can be hard.  You can’t wrap your brain around how somebody else is going to act and the awful things they may say and do.  And that, at its core is what gets to me.  Like Carrie said in Sex and the City, “We keep dresses we’ll never wear again.  We throw away our ex boyfriends.  If you loved someone and you break up, where does the love go?”

When I look back at each and every thing I did in the aftermath, I understand why I did it and feel very little regret about my actions.  I tried my best to do and say the things that were warranted at the time and make me feel like less of a shit in the long run.  But, what I realized I got angry about was the actions of others, the actions I cannot control.  Uncontrollabe urges, disrespect, unanswered texts, insults, crazy rants and degrading comments…I am not angry about what I did or didn’t do, only sad at what was done to me.

So, that made me realize yet again, you can only control yourself.  If I am not angry at myself for my actions and words and I know that I cannot undo my past, why am I at times still living in it?  It was because I wanted justice.  I wanted the great apology, the heartful closure or the happy ending.  This is life buttercup, time to suck it up.  Just because you try to treat others fairly doesn’t mean everybody plays by those rules.  All is fair in love and war so they say.  Good old Pat Benatar pointed out “Love is a Battlefield”…probably because sometimes love and war really do feel the same.

I can’t be upset that life moved on without my karmic justice. The only thing I can control is my own life, my own mind, my own feelings, thoughts and actions and ultimately only half of my relationships.  It takes two to tango and if you aren’t the one stepping on toes, I guess it’s fine to keep dancing, but maybe find a new dance partner.

“The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.”  – Bill Cosbycasting-background-black-ghost-wallpaper

The Ginga Ninja

Edit, Edit and Edit Some More

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perfectly flawed, redSo, I don’t post this badboy on my facebook, I don’t send it around to my contact list and I don’t tweet the heck out of it (btw, if you want to share with your friends, feel more than free), but I do still look at tips and tricks to increase SEO. For the less tech-saavy, this means Search Engine Optimization.

I knoooww….why would I care about getting more readers when I don’t publicize this?  Well, I guess the key is; I want to share this with readers I don’t actually know.  I, pure and simple, want to share my musings with people who will appreciate the topics, the quality of the words, or maybe even relate a time or two.

However, the first thing that WordPress tells you to do on your blog is edit, edit and edit some more.  And you know what?  I truly think I do!  I read, re-read, read again, edit again and more often than not, have written a post long before it makes it to screen. So, it gets even better….not only am I an anal perfectionist with a knack for the written word, but I’m in a communications field.  I actually have to proof and copywrite as part of my career – I have done it in my full-time gig and I have even freelanced, and yet, tonight of all nights…I caught a cardinal sin.

I wrote THERE when I meant THEIR.  OMG, if I have to list a top pet-peeve, it without a doubt, would be people who cannot differenciate homophones.  Oh, and incessant honkers. You know the ones, the ones that either honk 14 times in a row thinking you didn’t hear them the first time as you sit at the red light, or the one who leans on it as though they just had a stroke over the wheel.  I know you know, but this is all besides the point.

Back to the point, yes people, they are called homophones, not homonyms and don’t mistake this word with homophobes.  Fact of the day.  Either way, isn’t it annoying when you read an email and a person just ain’t no good at the differentials of their them there they’res and you’re hating how the yours of yore are misused?  Jiminy Cricket, thems confusing homophones.  But, seriously, I used the wrong THERE? Mmmmeeeeeeee??

It seems that no matter how many times I read, proof, read again and proof some more, I always find some new little error – some misplaced period, an inconsistent comma, a word missing, or a misspelling by one letter (but it still made a real word so Microsoft Word didn’t catch it…you know what I’m talking about).  Is that simply the life of a perfectionist?  Is no task ever really done… or are we all a little half-assed all the time and no matter how hard we try our life will be filled with errors?

So this got me thinking, is this a hidden lesson of life?  I am flawed, therefore things I produce may be too?  Do you know anybody who is perfect?  I sure as hell don’t…and when it comes to creative projects, I’m pretty damn close.  But, I guess next time I’ll just try a little harder, look a little closer, rely on more help and…..if I STILL mess up, I guess I’ll just keep editing.  I mean, deep down…isn’t that the crux of life?

No matter what happens….you just keep editing.  There is no delete button, magic eraser or white-out to hide the problem, you just need to keep rewriting the story because it will never be complete and it will never be perfect.

So, readers, should you find a misspelled word, backward letter, or an incorrect usage of homophones…judge me, please judge me (I would judge you).  Just don’t rule me out for my mistakes because like me, you might be surprised when you make them too.marking papers, red

“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.”          – Salvador Dali

The Ginga Ninja

How Many Cookies is Too Many Cookies?

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1fe593d84295afd171c0893021d56aaaSo, I’m a bad dieter.  I can find activity, I can minimize my portions, I can council friends, but ask me to cut a food out and you better keep an eye on that straight unbroken nose of yours.

I’ve honestly always believed in moderation.  In fact, Moderation could be my middle name.  It’s not, in case you are wondering, but it could be.

I once had a friend say “I don’t understand how you aren’t fat.  You have cookies, chips and ice cream in the house and yet you aren’t fat”.  Well, the thing ya see, is that I grew up with all those things in the house…and three older brothers.  Believe it or not, when chips, cookies and ice cream are there whenever you want them…you don’t actually tend to want them that often.

But, even I need to admit that four Girl Guide mint patties and three heaping spoonfuls of chocolate chunk cookie dough may be overdoing it.  I guess my new middle name could be Cookie Monster.

So, for my girls who just can’t seem to get on top of those extra pounds and your willpower gets the better of you, just remember, it happens to the best of us.

(In case you didn’t catch that…aka me).

The Ginga Ninja

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The Rubix Cube that is Me

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It’s amazing how our dynamic can change dependent on who we are with.  Really, we should all be ourselves regardless of who is by our side – but we aren’t. Or are we?  Is being ourselves a matter of always being the same way no matter what, or are you influenced by those around you?

The reason I wonder is because I catch myself changing all the time.  Or at least I think I do.  I’m honestly trying to decide if I’m changing for those around me or what has really changed is exactly that – those around me.

I have some great friends that I feel like a million bucks around.  Charming, funny, put together, but still flawed and human.  In fact, I can tell them almost anything and we can laugh together, cry together, gossip together, and poke fun at each other constantly.  Just the other day I had the most wonderful afternoon with two old friends.

(Okay, self-admittedly I may poke fun at one friend a little too much, and god bless her, she puts up with it because the things she says are nothing short of hilarious without ever meaning to be), but this is my public admission and apology to her. I love you just the way you are, even if just by repeating the things that come out of your mouth provides endless hours of entertainment. You know who you are, Ms. Baby Duck Feathers and how I love you so. But getting off topic...that version of myself, the courageous, funny and self-assured-to-the-point-of-teasing-others girl isn’t always there.

Sometimes, I am a self-deprecating, sitcom-life comedian who has people in stitches, other times I am an oh-so-wise confidant, others still a Debbie Downer, a motivational speaker, a combative drill sergeant, an insecure little girl, a blubbery and worried mess, a Buddha Zen Master and then there are even those people who get me scared, silent and cowering in a corner about what other below-the-belt thing they are going to say or do next.

How can there be people who make you feel oh so good about who you are and others who encourage you to throw in the towel on life?  Better yet, how can there be so many versions of me….

I guess I’m not the only one out there who has more than 1 side, as so eloquently put by the poet Ayumi http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/misc/poems.php?id=1115131, and if you believe in the power of Google there is a whole whackload of people out there wondering the same thing (or at least bored and commenting on) http://answerology.seventeen.com/index.aspx/question/515812_Does-your-personality-change-for-different-people.html, but I still can’t help but wonder…

Is it me with all the sides, or just the reflections of those around me?

I was a personality before I became a person – I am simple, complex, generous, selfish, unattractive, beautiful, lazy and driven. – Barbra Streisand

The Ginga Ninja

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Sick of Being Tired and Tired of Being Sick

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I am currently sick, sick as a dog so they say.  I’m pretty sure Charles Darwin is laughing right about now in his little monkey-filled hell over this tiny theory he liked to call “evolution”.  Well, us gingers know what survival of the fittest means…trust me, we get it. We get sicker, we get crazier, and we are going straight up – extinct.

http://www.news.com.au/top-stories/gingers-extinct-in-100-years-say-scientists/story-e6frfkp9-1111114243424

Either way, I am currently laying in bed with a heated wheatbag on one side, soup on the other, a mountain of Kleenex (the real name brand kind), a scented candle, and my trusty TV remote….oh….and computer.  Let’s not forget the hallowed computer. This month has rocked my world, and more particularly my body.  Maybe it’s a reminder I’m not invincible….maybe it’s a reminder that I’m genetically deficient, or maybe it’s the universe giving me what I sort of wanted in a sick and twisted way.  I did want to lose a little weight…

Anyways, if you have ever witnessed a dog getting sick, I guess that’s where the saying came from.  Apparently it was first cited in 1705 and the theory is that the dog, being closest to humans was the animal most often witnessed getting sick.  I guess the author didn’t own a long-haired cat.

If I had to rewrite history and overrule the saying, I guess I would go with sick as a hungover sorority girl, or better yet, sick as a ginger.

It’s no longer a question of staying healthy, it’s a question of finding an illness you like. – Jackie Mason

The Ginga Ninja

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You Should Really Get That Checked Out…

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I’ve got a bad case of Shoulditis.  Correction, I think I had a bad case of Shoulditis that was in remission and has since reared its ugly head once again.  Nearly 90% of cases have been found to result in severe and sometimes fatal damage to one’s inborn potential, ultimately leading to the slow and silent death of, well, the soul.

http://blog.brazencareerist.com/2011/12/01/warning-1-in-3-young-professionals-suffers-from-this-career-related-condition/

I am mainly joking, but not entirely.  I too (who knew) was victim to this terrible condition in my mid 20’s.  I walked around feeling like I should be more successful, I should feel better, I should make more money, I should grow up, and I should be in a different stage of life.  Then I fought, I fought oh so hard to treat it, overcome it, and come out a better person.  A person who took risks out of joy, not fear, a person who stopped worrying about how much money they made or what their future and career held.  A person who could focus on the present, not the past, and more importantly not the future.

That’s the funny thing about Shoulditis.  It surfaces when you least expect it.  When you reinvent your life, it’s amazing how much you slowly start to say you should be over it, you should feel the way you did a year ago, and you should have your act together.  That’s the funny thing about life.  Maybe we can forgive others for living that crazy thing called L..I..F..E, but us over-achieving, second-guessing, comparers can’t forgive ourselves.

Here I thought that Shoulditis went away when you turned 30, lived common-law, travelled the world, or took a step backwards in your career and said “fuck it, I’m imperfect”.  I so foolishly believed that Shoulditis disappeared when you decided you loved yourself enough to be yourself.  But, if you change enough and doubt enough… funnily enough it comes right back.

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda…that’s what life is all about right?  Well, that and assuming that there is always tomorrow.

Don’t stress over what could’ve been.  Chances are if it should’ve been, it would’ve been. – Anonymous

The Ginga Ninja

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Oh Fortuna

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So, for all the times I whine, moan, cry, vent, dream, analyze and philosophize (and how much probably depends on who you are asking); I need to remind myself how LUCKY I am.  I may not remember this tomorrow, or when the phone company has charged me $193 in additional fees, or when I’m complaining about how it took THREE sets of movers to actually move a freaking piece of furniture…but, I am lucky.  I’m lucky because I’m here.

Good and bad, heartache or happiness, poor health and wealth, I need to remember that I’m lucky because I have tomorrow.  That alone means that everything in my future is still to come…that we don’t really know how things will end up.  A tragedy in the life of a co-worker reminded me of that today. There is no point obsessing about the possibilities of what could happen because let’s be honest, there just may be no someday.  No good…or bad.  Try your hardest to make someday today, and be thankful for the good things, no matter how simple.

We can picture the bad – a life of debt, your ex moving on, a future of boring Friday nights, crazy cat lady-isms and all, but really, truly, it’s all still open-ended.  Life is still an adventure.  Maybe our reality won’t be the blissful movie we envision, but it probably also won’t be the dark and dingy horror we fear.  In every sunset, hot bath, cuddle with your pet, good movie…is a little piece of why we should be grateful to be here.

If I stop to truly, honestly, think about the worst that can happen in every situation…most end up with me moving back in with my parents, who would (probably) reluctantly take me.  Pretty much none of them end up with me being homeless or in a psychiatric ward, so I guess that alone means that my life cannot be that bad.  So, even with imperfect skin, joints shot to hell, a cat that licks my armpit to wake me up (eww), and always wishing to lose that last 10 pounds….I guess it could always be worse.

This post is in respect to that lovely lady whose entire world just changed and who reminds me that some people have real problems.  I can’t promise I’ll never contemplate again, but I can promise I’ll try.

The Ginga Ninja