I had to look long and hard about why a ghost from my past still bothered me. I mean, the point of breaking up is to move forward and meet better matches, right? That, or I guess working on yourself…or boning a hockey team, but we’ll go with meeting better matches for the sake of this argument. Well, as I pointed out last year I had the secret family recipe for a perfect breakup, only the aftermath was nothing like I planned.
Anytime I look back and feel shame, regret, anger or sadness I have to ask myself why. Why would I still be bothered by something that ended a long time ago and ended for the right reasons? Plain and simple, I realized it came in one word. Justice. I wanted justice.
I have some regrets over feelings I felt way back when and in hindsight there were things I wished I had done differently, said differently or felt differently. But, there is absolutely no way to go back and unfeel something. That is a lot more than turning back the clock on a fight, a swear word or an action. Feelings are cumulative, feelings take time. As I also pointed out last year, if you felt something, you must have had a reason at the time. Looking back doesn’t do you a whole heck of a lot of good because the memory you see isn’t entirely complete. Either you forget all the bad they did too, or you glorify the good and both can drive you stark raving mad. You cannot undo the past.
Let me repeat. You cannot undo the past. I guess I liked to think I could at least handle the present. Each and every time I received a message referencing how miserable we were, how we didn’t belong together or how we should just hop into the sack….I knew that those references of the past weren’t completely accurate because I was still being messaged…in my present. The thing is, eventually that itself was the past too. So, just like the relationship, why is it hard to let the aftermath of the relationship go?
A friend pointed out that for good people, coming to terms with what is and what was can be hard. You can’t wrap your brain around how somebody else is going to act and the awful things they may say and do. And that, at its core is what gets to me. Like Carrie said in Sex and the City, “We keep dresses we’ll never wear again. We throw away our ex boyfriends. If you loved someone and you break up, where does the love go?”
When I look back at each and every thing I did in the aftermath, I understand why I did it and feel very little regret about my actions. I tried my best to do and say the things that were warranted at the time and make me feel like less of a shit in the long run. But, what I realized I got angry about was the actions of others, the actions I cannot control. Uncontrollabe urges, disrespect, unanswered texts, insults, crazy rants and degrading comments…I am not angry about what I did or didn’t do, only sad at what was done to me.
So, that made me realize yet again, you can only control yourself. If I am not angry at myself for my actions and words and I know that I cannot undo my past, why am I at times still living in it? It was because I wanted justice. I wanted the great apology, the heartful closure or the happy ending. This is life buttercup, time to suck it up. Just because you try to treat others fairly doesn’t mean everybody plays by those rules. All is fair in love and war so they say. Good old Pat Benatar pointed out “Love is a Battlefield”…probably because sometimes love and war really do feel the same.
I can’t be upset that life moved on without my karmic justice. The only thing I can control is my own life, my own mind, my own feelings, thoughts and actions and ultimately only half of my relationships. It takes two to tango and if you aren’t the one stepping on toes, I guess it’s fine to keep dancing, but maybe find a new dance partner.
The Ginga Ninja