Tag Archives: dating

Tight Ropes and True Love

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Relationships are a delicate balance. Not too long ago, I was texting with a friend and we both realized just HOW MUCH goes into whether or not you and another person will work out.  Geography, Religion, Politics, Education, Finances, Family, Values, Looks, Friends, Interests, Sex Life and maybe most important of all, that bitch called Timing.

There are just so many things that can make a relationship unwork itself. And often that is after it’s already started. Don’t even get me started (see that?) on dating in general. It is so easy to rule somebody out early on for a fault, or let’s be more accurate a perceived fault. It takes years to get to know someone and technology has made dating harder. If you have different text rules, don’t use the right punctuation or seem to be too endearing too quickly, well, you are out. This doesn’t even include those who were already discluded for poor grammar, salary, height, the wrong education or wrong town. Hell, this definitely doesn’t include those who just fell out of the ugly tree. True love, or true tolerance, you be the judge.

Dating is a fragile tightrope that more often ends before it has even begun, even if you can stay balanced, you may just run out of rope…particularly as we get older and more set in our ways. That intricate interwoven security can unravel in an instant – seamlessly, effortlessly, carelessly, pointlessly. (I’m surprised that’s even a word, go me). So, every time you feel frustrated, unloved, uncertain, unfulfilled – just remember, there is a lot that goes into relationships, and life, and you. And when you feel a loss of control, just focus on that last one, because, really, it’s all you can do.

Be careful with alterations.  Pull the wrong thread and the whole thing comes undone.                                                       Samantha, Sex and the City

The Ginga Ninja

Do you have a type?

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92aa65d3dcf2d56f04095a68641c0ac2I’ve heard over and over again that I most definitely have a type. I think they look different, act different, talk different and interests vary, but from an outsiders point of view I have a very specific type. Brunette, 5’10 – 6’1, generally somewhat athletic, somewhat musical and open to new things. The problem with this little makeup is that everybody around me sees the same guy over and over, yet I can tell you exactly how they differ down to their neer-be-mentioneds.

Some are stronger communicators. Some are handier. Some are estranged from their families. Some are mamma’s boys. Some have daddy issues. Some have depression. Some have god complexes. Some are happy all the time. Some like biographies. Some like video games. Some excel at volleyball. Some dig baseball. Some like reggae, whereas others like hardcore rap, hell, one only knows songs because they are punk covers. None read enough, most mope about the things they don’t have, and all like to drink. So, you see, I see many different guys and even though I keep tweaking that recipe over and over, I just haven’t perfected it.

I never expected this whole dating in your 30’s, deciphering texts, reading between the lines, juggling competition to Royalportable_redbe my life. This can’t be my life, it’s a funny storyline in a hilarious television show, but sadly, it isn’t, it’s actually my life. And hers, and his, and a million other friends I have. We just don’t seem to have the ability to land those keepers that actually make sense. But, I guess I’ll keep trialling out new contestants, because what other choice do I have? Well, I guess, trialling out cats.

A funny scene in a show I recently discovered pointed out how there was something remarkably wrong about every person that this girl ever dated and I can’t help but feel like there is some truth in it. The differences, rights and wrongs I find are in the people I actually date, this does not even fringe upon the people I have talked to or entertained a “meet with”. There are many kinds of people out there, but more importantly there are many kinds of the wrong people out there. The key is to never settle and find the one kind of wrong that’s right for you. I think somebody must have changed my lock.

What’s this guy’s problem? The last one was Racist Dave, before him was Ambiguous Andrew and Micropenis Paul. Ya, it’s a war out there! So, what’s this guy’s deal, does he smell like a cat, does he have a cat, is he a cat?                                                                                                                                                                                        – Frankie & Grace

Now if only we could find out what they all say about me….

The Ginga Ninja

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…(well maybe during sex)

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he-loves-me-notI cannot wait until the day that I tell you, “I understand dating, I understand love”. Because, to be brutally honest, I don’t! I am terrible at casual dating. Correction, I am terrible at casual sex.

Casual dating…you know, a date or three with a guy I’m feeling out, well I’m actually not too bad at. I’ve had many a friend point out how I have the ability to try once or twice with a Mr. Unsure and end it once I am Ms. Sure. You see, many never take that first step at all or continue seeing people who just aren’t…quite…there. But, when it comes to casual sex, I know I am in the minority who doesn’t seem to properly understand the concept.

Anytime that no strings attached is on the table, I’m not overly forward and I seem to have some sort of need to still be special, you know, to still matter. I want them to know my name, my face, my story and realize that in no way am I being charmed into anything I don’t want to do. The thing with that is, by the time I have primed somebody to be a friend with benefit, they truly see me as a friend and no longer want to benefit. What fun is getting tipsy and taking advantage of somebody once you start to actually respect them? Phhffftt.

There seems to be a limbo to dating categories as well. Sure, we all know what falling feels like, we all know what detached feels like, we know what dates versus hook-ups feels like…but what happens when you land yourself in the inevitable void? More than casual, less than together, more than friends, less than feelings. What happens when you like somebody’s company, time, affection and you are attracted to them, but there is no clear goal in sight? That time it takes to figure out whether you are in fact serious, or side-fodder is a mighty confusing one and to be honest, as we get older, time we do not have to spare.

When I was young, I found myself in a lot of situations where I knew the outcome may not be good, the guy may not be trusted and the meaning behind things was either incredibly complex or ridiculously simple, but I could not wrap my head around it because sometimes my feelings outweighed my facts. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten better at identifying these situations. I know how I deserve to be treated and I know what I want in different phases of my own life. The problem with that is over the years there have been the ones where you just know it’s happening, the ones who won’t commit, the ones who you would never want to commit and the ones who come at you like a freight train only to slam on the brakes the moment you board. For some reason in my teen years I lived in the word of won’t committers. They didn’t want to let me go, but they didn’t want to let their independence go either. In my 20’s I seemed to be on board some slow-moving, somewhat reliable modes of transport and in my 30’s I seem to keep meeting the inevitable detached box car. They think they are running out of track and race after you like there is no tomorrow only to realize there was a reason that they went solo afterall.

But, that limbo world, that not knowing what is going to happen or what I want out of it world? That is one that I rarely choose to visit anymore because frankly I don’t have the energy or the time. Trying to decipher what something means or somebody feels is incredibly hard and if you feel you aren’t getting the appreciation you deserve, is it reality, perception, overly high standards or honestly maybe you aren’t getting what you actually deserve. In a world so filled with unknowns, wouldn’t it be nice to have your worth known?

The Ginga Ninja

How many is too many?

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Bn1JDETIIAE38X1I’m no player, but not too long ago I was talking to three different guys at the same time. Having been a boyfriend kind of girl, this pseudo Sex and the City world is a bit foreign to me. Normally, it is only when I’m a little bit off and am “getting back out there”, or when I’m completely confident and don’t give a shit that things like this tend to happen. When you don’t know what you want, you go on dates just to push your boundaries, when you totally know what you want, well, you go on dates because you have nothing to lose. The worst part is, sometimes I could leave it as easily as I could take it.

When I’m content in my own skin, in my own place, with my own hobbies, and my own friends…I am not worried about meeting anyone. That’s actually when I seem to attract. However, the funniest part is that right when you feel you are at the top of your game and you are fine with or without another, that’s when people come along to jack your style. You don’t have time for nobodies, time-wasters, and bloody poor kissers. You barely have time for you.

All that being said, you still glance down at that biological clock and think, but if not now, when. Like Rachel lamented in Friends (when she was 30 dating a 25 year old)…well, I want a kid by 35, which means probably getting pregnant at 34. I’d like to be married for about a year first, which means 33, and I want a 1 year engagement, which is 32 and I’d like to know the guy a couple of years first…which makes me 30. Suddenly, in that moment, she decides that she needs to dump her dead-end boy toy because to have the life she wants, she can’t keep living the life she likes.

But, what if you want to be in that “date for the heck of it”, or “don’t date at all” phase? Do you need to look at the clock? Do you need to do Benjamin Button backward math and do you need to worry?

All I know is when I lamented to a co-worker that I can’t possibly talk to 3 people at once, I am not cool enough, am not saucy enough and cannot find the time….she asked to see their pictures. Pretty much I received a slap upside the head.

She insisted they were all cute, fit…and she had been with her husband for about 20 years now. My young, early 30’s #firstworldproblems were in fact not problems. She begged me to go on all the dates, tell her all the stories and let her live vicariously through me. No matter how old (or young) you are…the trials of dating are trials for life…and the trials of dating while you don’t give a shit are in fact not trials…not too short, too tall, too hyper, too game show host, too cheap, too ethnic…but, shirtless, employed, date-paying opportunities that really you need to embrace and learn from.

Don’t look at every situation as life and death or every date as forever…but relish in the opportunities you will have. And if you have 1, 2, 9 at once…figure you will know the right one when you know the right one…or if you don’t, then maybe you don’t need a right one at all. Maybe, just maybe you are  looking at the right one every day in the mirror. Anything above that is just a perk in this thing we call life.

The Ginga Ninja

Learn from your Success, Live for your Failure

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Fail BetterTry, try and try again. That’s what they say, right? Get back up on that horse. Climb every mountain? But, seriously when is enough, enough.

Well, in dating, at least casual dating… it doesn’t take much. One unanswered text can equal the end of something new and promising. And why? Well, because somebody hotter or funnier messaged or maybe a drink or two led to an inevitable makeout at the bar. Hell, maybe it was as simple as a bad day at work or the dislike of parking garages. We all want something until the moment it is inconvenient to us. Inconvenience is inconvenient, to put it in the simplest of terms. Maybe I can get even simpler – a pain in the arse.

But, when you think back to a lot of good things in your life, weren’t some of the most memorable ones awfully inconvenient? Your condo taking three times as long as it should, chipping away at a person to finally gain a friend, or maybe even continuing to ask the elusive one who rejected you out. I always wondered what those people must feel. How do they not get down? How do they keep getting up in the face of rejection, frustration and adversity to not feel bad about themselves, unworthy, unwanted, unwarranted. Well, the last one doesn’t make sense – but for most of us, pride is a nasty sin.

If something is hard, move on right? Wrong. Sometimes.

Most of the people who have ever become successes in their life failed and failed again. Happily married couples. Multi-millionaires. John Travolta. But, it was the trying again that got them where they were. So, I’ve been encouraged to (and have been trying to) make some mistakes. Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen?

As children we are taught not to talk to strangers, not to run into the street, not to play with fire. But, as we get older, always staying safe can prevent us from experiencing all that life has to offer.  If you never take risks, you don’t really get a chance to live at all. And what’s the fun in that? – The Carrie Diaries

The Ginga Ninja

Missing your spoon or shovel?

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red-buddha (1)I’ve always been the first to believe in signs. To believe in signs, larger meanings, karmic justice…you name it, I’ve thought it. I can list off a finite number of times I received karmic justice, but not always. No, not always.

Well, today I find myself sitting here thinking there is no deeper meaning or destiny. It is all chance and the actions of individuals. Their risks, their kindness, their anger, their selfishness. Go out and be all that you can be, but don’t believe you are destined to be it. Go out and risk and take challenges not because those will bring you where you are meant to go, but maybe because they will bring you where you never intended to.

I’m tired. I’m tired of waiting for some bigger thing to evolve. It’s not going to happen. This is just the way it is. And I’m so tired of people telling you to keep dating and keep waiting for that all-hallowed match. Don’t settle. Don’t be scared. Don’t be shy. Know what I think? Be whatever you want to be. Do whatever you want to do. If you want to settle – settle! If you don’t want to settle, be prepared for a life potentially alone. Because to be completely honest and completely bitter…the ride on the way to meeting somebody great is a soul-sucking, exhausting, anti-adventure that only the foolish will follow.

Okay, okay. I realize this is all a little pessimistic for my newfound enlightenment, but today I am mad. I am mad because I managed to reconnect with somebody to only have 2 weeks and 3 failed date attempts later him decide the universe didn’t want us together. The universe? You bailed because you were tired, grumpy and ditched me for better plans. So, in the end he wanted to cut our losses while we were ahead (Ahem..our) because though he wanted to go out, he just didn’t believe it was meant to be. Let’s be honest about why, because the universe is intervening or your selfish nature is? Either way, in the end he said he wanted to end with no hard feelings and on good terms – smiley face. My answer? I think good terms may be a bit of an overstatement.

Sure, I’m as rational as the rest of them and have realized holding out for something to work out is like waiting for a third limb to grow out of my ass, but don’t try to feed me bullshit and tell me it tastes good. You get out of life the effort you put into it…or so they say. That in itself may not even be true. Just realize you will have good days and bad and sometimes life just ain’t fair. People ain’t fair. Timing ain’t fair. Circumstance ain’t fair. Maybe there is no bigger meaning to it all. Just surviving can be your indicator for success, well that and maybe managing to leave some ice cream in the damn container.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. – Albert Einstein

The Ginga Ninja

 

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Full of Love, or Flu of Love?

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slapDating is hard.  Let me repeat, dating is hard.  So are bricks.  And sometimes dating makes you want to bang your head on bricks.  Correlated?  I think so.

I’ve never been a big fan.  I like the feeling of a crush when it seems to be going well, but dear god I hate it when it starts going badly.  That racing brain, those obsessive thoughts, the “why” of what you did, could have done different, or didn’t do to make it turn out the way it finally did.  And the funny thing is, we are all like this.  Well…if we have the ability to feel, think and crush we are.  There is a reason it is called “falling” – it hurts, and you can definitely get “crushed”.  However, if you are a detached cool mamma like a good friend of mine, well, off is off.  Most of us are not blessed with this skill though, so I will assume that when you start talking to a promising keeper, this is probably what you are going through (cue hair pulling now).

Read on:  www.today.com/id/44010532/ns/today-today_health/t/truly-madly-deeply-how-love-makes-you-sick/#.UyESyvldXt8

But, for me dating is no different than any relationship, with any new person – friend, foe or lover.  You don’t really know them, their story, who they are and why they are, or, sometimes, are not talking to you.  We get a snippet of somebody and then when they bail without a word, we are left holding the bag of empty dreams and broken conversations.  Of course we don’t know these people and we will live.  Of course they do not change the path of our life, affect our friendships or fix our health issues.  But, for that moment…for that fleeting moment…you let yourself dream.  You let yourself dream it was going well and this little future of massages, hot tubs, endless hugs and trivia nights could actually happen.  All these things they said while flirting with you, could maybe, inevitably, come true.

The worst is, we all feel just like this when it doesn’t go our way.  But, what about the ones we don’t care to answer, chock up to being drunk, or just don’t have time in our schedule for?  We don’t obsess over those, we barely feel bad.  In recent years, I have tried to make a point of being accountable for my own actions.  If I go any more than 5 days continuous contact, I feel I owe it to them to tell them I am out, no matter the stage.  They could very well be on the other end of this starting to make their fake little plans…and the rollercoaster of feelings that is a new romance could be screwing with their day.  Maybe it isn’t screwing with mine and I could care less, but knowing how bad it feels when I do care more, I think I owe it to them to say it’s just not for me.

Sadly (and uncontrollably) though, I get upset when somebody doesn’t give me the same common courtesy.  I’m meant to think they are an insensitive jerk, an immature ass, a fake future talker, or they don’t have any emotional depth.  However, I’ve done the same and I don’t think I’m a jerk.  I think the problem is, we can all ACT like jerks because we live in a self-serving world where the moment somebody fucks with your schedule or pre-existing plan…the moment they are an unnecessary obligation…we are out.

So, why don’t I let it roll off my back, decide I’m better and move on?  I eventually do.  But, only after going through a gamut of emotions over a 5 day period.  The “will I hear from him” phase, the “maybe something happened to him” phase, the “I can’t believe I didn’t hear from him” phase and finally the “it’s his loss” phase.  But, here’s the thing.  We aren’t 19 anymore.  We shouldn’t let somebody else decide our worth, but we also shouldn’t just ignore somebody that we had interest in and we shouldn’t decide their feelings don’t matter.  Maybe they aren’t for you, (well, that’s obvious that not everyone is), but why leave people hanging?  Why not just say you are out, when you are out?  It would save a whole lot of people from self-doubt and wondering if the person lost their phone, their charger, or their mind.

Read on: www.thoughtcatalog.com/carrie-wittmer/2013/08/psycho-thoughts-girls-have-when-a-guy-does-not-respond-to-a-text-message-for-days/

Funnily enough, I did have an ex who constantly had his battery die (I witnessed it), and a friend who left her cell in her hometown for three weeks.  It does happen.  And I do have the friend of a friend of a friend who was so angry she googled…and the poor bastard had actually died.  But, let’s be clear…for the most part when you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras.  If you don’t hear from them, you eventually get the message, but wouldn’t be easier if you ACTUALLY GOT THE MESSAGE.

I keep approaching life with the new mantra of no games and being accountable for my actions and hoping the same from others.  Three times back-to-back I haven’t gotten it, but what I did get across is a point.  A good friend of mine actually decided to tell a girl he had been stalling with that he wasn’t feeling it.  Know what?  She took is surprisingly well and stopped contacting him.  So, after all of this, we decided, maybe this wasn’t my lesson to learn at all, but his.

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The Ginga Ninja