Tag Archives: starting over

Screw the Penny, A Nickel for your Thoughts?

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canada_5_canadian_cents(nickel)_1981Change.  Is it necessary or is it unavoidable?  How much is too much, and how much does the absence of change negatively affect our lives?  I guess the answer…would depend on who is answering.

If you ask an 18 year old from a small town who is itching to move away and see the world…they will think it is necessary, integral to life and they can’t get that change quick enough.  However, ask somebody who has settled down in that same small town and they will tell you they have everything they ever needed. You know, a little John Cougar Mellencamp lyrics throwback.  Their friends, their memories, their childhood sweethearts, their jobs….they have everything they have ever known within arms reach, so why would they change anything?  If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

I just know a hell of a lot of friends think 2014 is the new “it” year – one has even dubbed it the Year of Change.  If we are all waiting for a change, it must mean something is missing.

I guess how necessary change is depends on the life you have already had and the life you dream of having.  The more you have seen, the more you have done, the more you have tried….well, the more you want to see, the more you want to do, the more you want to try. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword.  Maybe ignorance really is bliss.  Maybe if we reach for the stars we just spend forever trying to get there and never really appreciate the hill we’ve been standing on to reach all along.

I can for one say that though unavoidable, too much change is not good either.  I am one who has seen a lot of it in a short amount of time.  Not completely sure what my life’s calling is, not completely sure who I am to end up with (or inevitably if I am my own happily ever after), or even what city I will eventually call home.  I have always figured that a job, a person, or a town would make me settle down.  That hasn’t happened yet.  But, as somebody who has moved countless times, lived in foreign lands, dated various people and now find myself tackling new relationships and a new job again… really, honestly, finally adjusting to my new norm…..I can say that not enough change makes life stagnant and too much makes it chaotic.

Just like everything in life, I think moderation is key.  Let’s change opinions about change….it isn’t right or wrong, it isn’t good or bad, it isn’t black or white.  It is life-altering, unavoidable and necessary….in small doses.

At some point in time you have to embrace change and move forward to the future. Sometimes change is good. – Carrie Diaries

The Ginga Ninja

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G is for Glutton, G is for Girl

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How often do you give up on dating?  Me?  About once a month.  Hell, probably about once a day.

I find that trying to find yourself can be a difficult thing if you aren’t used to being alone, however trying to know yourself without anybody else can be difficult too. Well, at least if the best version of you actually comes out when you are in a relationship. Oh the irony. Suddenly you have all the time in the world to be whoever you want to be and you aren’t always sure who that is.

I often find that my best version of me is actually the version of me that has somebody else to focus on.  I am organized, I am put together, I am doting, thoughtful, calm and all my affection and effort goes into somebody else’s life. I am more focused, less needy, more confident and less pensive.  But, what happens when they stop giving their all back?

It becomes a battle of being the best version of you who shines when with a partner, or being a version of you that deserves better. Or possibly even worse, trying to find the version of you that can learn to be alone. Or crazier still, the version of you that can learn to be alone and completely content. We all deserve the right partner back, but when does the benefit of having a partner outweigh the uncertainty of being just plain old you?

So, once a month I rule out boys.  I decide I’m not ready to date, or I don’t want to date, or nobody is good enough to date.  I don’t form real crushes that easily and yet I often go through the motions of dating because it seems like the healthy thing to do. Ya right, if guilt over not messaging people back, pushing off drinks, and checking your email a zillion times a day is healthy then I’ll be damned.  But, maybe the healthy thing to do is forget about men altogether.  Their strong arms…their scruffy beards…their warm embraces…

Who am I kidding?  I will continue to date.  I will continue to try to play it cool as a cucumber, but completely obsess when I believe I am being rejected. And though I will have many days, weeks, even months where I think being without somebody is easier…(and knowing I deserve the fairytale)…I may still secretly hope in my immature little girl way to meet somebody to complement me again.  Not just the better me, but maybe for once the best me.

The Ginga Ninja

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A Year From Now You Will Wish You Had Started Today

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vintage-calendar-1953-april-675x520A year.  How long does it take to decide if you have succeeded or failed?  A year?

Somehow I doubt it.  We like to think that.  We like to look at life and say “Where will I be a year from now”, “Where was I a year ago”?  In fact, my whole life I have handled my dad looking back at vacations and saying “Guess where we were exactly one year ago today?” Hopeful and depressing at the same time I’m afraid.

Is this a good way to look at things, or a bad one?  Or just normal?  I mean, every New Years we look back at the year that has passed and look forward to the year coming.  Entertainment Tonight, Much Music, and a multitude of shows decided to take a look at the Best and Worst of (in this case) 2012.

A lot of people I know have had a long…and strange year.  Me included.  My friend’s mom told me it was because it was the year of the Dragon, or maybe those Mayans had it half-right…the world wasn’t ending, just changing.

Whatever the case, the year has now come and gone.  I am one year older, 3 lbs heavier and in many cases nowhere further. But, I guess that’s all how you look at it, right?

If I want to put it in perspective and instead of saying “still single, still renting, still contract” I can do this instead.  It is time for my accomplishment list of 2012.

I have survived on my own for one year, I have proven I can live, pay rent and bills alone for one year, I have paid down $5k more in debt than one year ago and have been through one exhausting move. I am the proud owner of a vintage piano (unfortunately in storage), am also the proud owner of a guitar (which I can also barely play), I now own a Christmas tree, a vaccum, a new computer and have painted 10 (seriously, TEN) acrylic paintings. I have tried kung fu and tai chi, have visited San Francisco, have met 50 or more people that I did not know a year ago, have tried probably 15 new restaurants, have been to 6 new bars, have another year of work experience under my belt, have started copywriting on the side, have finished a digital album, am one season further in numerous TV shows, have read about 7 more books, have stopped biting my nails and (drumroll please)……have officially been the author of this blog for one year.

So, what can a year bring?  Maybe not six figures, maybe not a mortgage, maybe not a ring, but if you look at it right…maybe a lot more than you ever imagined.

The Ginga Ninja

James Van Der Badass

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What happens when you finally show the bad version of yourself to others?  Do they accept you, do they cherish you, do they support you?  Or do they raise your biggest fear as their new fear.  Your new worry becomes their worry that you worry.

Life can be complicated. You are told to be yourself and then yourself isn’t good enough either.  So, if you can’t please others and you can’t please yourself, is the new motto “Fuck em”?james-van-der-beek-profile

So, like James VanderBeek playing himself on The B in Apartment 23 (as previously having played Dawson Leary on Dawson’s Creek) says, “I don’t need those guys.  It wasn’t Pacey, Jenn and Joey’s Creek!”

That’s right James.  It was Dawon’s Creek. You tell em.

The Ginga Ninja

You Won’t Think This Way Forever…Until You Do Again.

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So, my dad once told me about all the things that he thought could really (f*ck) with your life – the Big 4 so he said. To him, these puzzling life factors are your relationship, where you live, your job, and your finances.

I completely agree with my wise father (which is totally unfair as I’m a daddy’s girl), except for I expanded this list to the Magnificent 7.  I think the things that will mess with your sanity the most are  1. Relationship 2. Where you live (country / city) 3. Housing (what you actually live in / if you rent or buy)  4. Job  5. Finances  6. Friends  7. Family.  This isn’t necessarily in rank order, that my friend is entirely up to you.

So most people might go through changes to any 1-3 of these life-altering issues at a time.  If your relationship ends you may find yourself moving or in a different financial state.  (But, for some that’s not always a bad thing). Others may only find themselves changing jobs, or losing a friend, and a few may even see a lay-off or moving home lead to financial hardship and eventually relationship problems.

Well, what happens when you tackle them all at once?  Are you heading headfirst into a runaway train, or are you setting a course for adventure?  I want to say that in early days and even now I believe the latter, however throughout the year there have been times I feared the first.  Or maybe it’s not about doing good or bad, but where you are at different times.  Maybe there are no rules on what you should feel when and when you should feel what.

But, what do you do when you move to a new country, a new city, start a new job, need to find your own place, are financially impaired, need to make new (or reconnect with old) friends, don’t live near your family, and have to get used to being without the person you were closest to?  Well, I guess you start a blog.

…or yoga…or tai chi…or buy a guitar…or start painting.  You know, whatever random not-at-all-grounded-in-reality activity floats your boat.

Only recently I realized how much happened at once and how I’m damn lucky I am not standing in a Wal-mart with hostages at gunpoint…but, I’m also lucky enough to have people who haven’t yet pulled gunpoint on me. However, I try to remember what I tell everybody else who I’ve ever shouldered along the way…it will take time, clichés are clichés for a reason, and one day you will wake up and forget to be sad.

Ron Livingston as Rob in the classic movie Swingers says, “Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It’s like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn’t hurt at all. And the funny thing is,  this is kinda weird, but it’s like, it’s like you almost miss that pain.”

I’m working on it.  I stay busy, I’m ticking off my someday list, and I try not to let nasty thoughts get me down.  But regret and doubt sneak in from time to time, my someday list gets short, and there are moments when I just need a big old hug.  For anybody out there who deep down knows things happen for a reason, yet in fleeting moments can’t remember what that reason was…I feel for you, I really do.  My advice, even if I suck at listening to it, is hold your head high, remind yourself why you chose this and how hard you knew it might be, and remember that everything will change. It probably already has.

The Ginga Ninja

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Tartar Sauce with a Side of Love

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Have you ever been fishing?  I’m not sure how many women have.  Maybe that’s just sexist of me…it is assumable that between fathers, grandfathers, brothers, and boyfriends most women have fished at one point in time or the other.  This girl personally enjoys fishing.

I’m no pro, but I can handle the squiggly worm, the frozen bait, and even (if small enough) remove that fish myself.  I must admit that as peaceful as it can be, I’m not always game for catch and release fishing.  Of course if the cute little fish is too small to fit in my stomach, I’ll let him be…but, I do think if you have put that poor little guy through fear, panic, and assumable pain you may as well eat him.  That sounds terrible.  But, a fun quote from my girl Gray in the movie Catch and Release is,“I think catch and release fisherman are heartless weenies. I think putting a fish through agony for nothing more than your own entertainment is just plain cruel. I think if you’re going to torture a living thing if, you’re going to make it look into the eyes of its maker, face its own puny little place in the universe, then, for God’s sake, have the decency to eat it!” 

But, to restate…I like fishing…for FISH.  Not men.  I want to truly believe that there is still some special connection I may have with someone, not just bait that I hooked him with. Now, big breasts do help, but it’s hard to keep that fish once the bait is gone.  You need something to keep it alive, something to keep it fresh, and though this will ruin the analogy, something to keep it real.  If I knew what was needed to make it last forever, well, I may not have been writing this blog right now.  But, I haven’t.  Maybe you haven’t.  But, trust me, catching a fish is not like catching a man.  The key with relationships isn’t to catch, but to keep.

“Catching Fish; I’m sure it’s not that much harder than catching a man.”  (Courtney, The Bachelor, Season Bajillion).

The Ginga Ninja

You Should Really Get That Checked Out…

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I’ve got a bad case of Shoulditis.  Correction, I think I had a bad case of Shoulditis that was in remission and has since reared its ugly head once again.  Nearly 90% of cases have been found to result in severe and sometimes fatal damage to one’s inborn potential, ultimately leading to the slow and silent death of, well, the soul.

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I am mainly joking, but not entirely.  I too (who knew) was victim to this terrible condition in my mid 20’s.  I walked around feeling like I should be more successful, I should feel better, I should make more money, I should grow up, and I should be in a different stage of life.  Then I fought, I fought oh so hard to treat it, overcome it, and come out a better person.  A person who took risks out of joy, not fear, a person who stopped worrying about how much money they made or what their future and career held.  A person who could focus on the present, not the past, and more importantly not the future.

That’s the funny thing about Shoulditis.  It surfaces when you least expect it.  When you reinvent your life, it’s amazing how much you slowly start to say you should be over it, you should feel the way you did a year ago, and you should have your act together.  That’s the funny thing about life.  Maybe we can forgive others for living that crazy thing called L..I..F..E, but us over-achieving, second-guessing, comparers can’t forgive ourselves.

Here I thought that Shoulditis went away when you turned 30, lived common-law, travelled the world, or took a step backwards in your career and said “fuck it, I’m imperfect”.  I so foolishly believed that Shoulditis disappeared when you decided you loved yourself enough to be yourself.  But, if you change enough and doubt enough… funnily enough it comes right back.

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda…that’s what life is all about right?  Well, that and assuming that there is always tomorrow.

Don’t stress over what could’ve been.  Chances are if it should’ve been, it would’ve been. – Anonymous

The Ginga Ninja

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