Tag Archives: someday

Did I spell rong wrong?

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I’ve been trying to put my finger on what exactly has been wrong lately, and somehow…I can’t.red-quote

There is no big bad wolf knocking at my door, no financial crisis lurking around the corner, no extreme loneliness, no terrible boss, no family drama, no pet crisis, no major health scares. Things are more together than they have been in a really long time…and once in awhile, one in a blue moon, I think THAT is the problem.

I’ve been fighting my demons as I age. They say your 30’s are actually the greatest decade, and truthfully I believe it. I’ve been navigating my way through the unknown and learning to give the finger to more of what doesn’t work in my world. The thing is, the more I give the finger to things and the deeper I root myself into my little world…the further I drift away from all those someday dreams I used to have. Someday wedding, someday house, someday trip, someday career…

As I get older and make rash decisions my chances for somedays get smaller. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wanted to live in this world. The present, the real, the everyday…and most days it’s a great world to live in. Understand and appreciate what you do have, just don’t think about the rest…but every once in awhile…every once in panic-inducing while…something feels wrong.

I have always struggled with the thought that something feeling wrong meant something in your life was actually…wrong. I didn’t understand that as a human I would have good days and bad, secure and insecure moments and would feel “that” feeling in the pit of my stomach, pushing up against my lungs…for many reasons other than actual hardship.

A big meeting, a hard test, a first kiss…these can all create those feelings. So, lately…when they creep up…I need to fight the urge to assume something is actually out of place in my world and needs fixing. I need to accept the fact that it’s okay to feel bad when you send a cat to the shelter or let a new crush down. It’s okay to feel bad when you can’t afford your vacation or you get dis-invited to a cottage because they over counted. It’s okay to feel bad. Hell, it’s okay to feel.

So, as I struggle to figure out what exactly is wrong…I think the answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong, other than my inability to feel bad without feeling wrong. And frankly, that in itself is what is wrong.

Life is Messy.  It Kicks you in the Ass. That’s right, I said Ass.  But, it does, it kicks you in the ass.  And the messy parts are the best parts. – Jess, New Girl

The Ginga Ninja

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Bad or Good, It’s Still Your Life

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maxresdefaultSo I was raised pretty religious and uncommonly materialistic, a pretty weird success-driven combo I must admit. I had a strict (anal), virtuous upbringing – built upon hard work, loyalty, watching your money, watching your back and fearing your god. Somewhere out there was a belief that some sort of karmic retribution for all your good actions paid off, except in this version of the story it was called heaven. That by being a “good” person who doesn’t drink, do drugs, swear or believe in idle actions…you will get an everlasting and happy life.

So many times I let events, validation and others create my happiness. Having them bail on plans, not accept my friend invite or not accomplishing my goal made me feel less than. For some reason I always had some little project, next step, someday in the back of my head to when I would feel complete. Of course we all love going to Disneyland, but whether or not your life is good shouldn’t be marked only by the highlights. The act of falling in love, the rush of a rollercoaster, the joy of a birthday present, the praise for a promotion, yes they are good, but they are not everything. When your happiness is determined by what is happening around you, funnily enough you aren’t really happy. Sure, in the great moments you are, who isn’t, but you have no idea what to do with the not-so-great ones. For some reason they feel like negative results of something you did wrong. You question your world, your finances, your sanity – if I’m a good person leading a virtuous life, then why is this happening?

Well, as many of us know, it’s not always about being good or bad. The trick is to change your perception so that all in – upbeat day or rotten, you know you are going to survive. The clock keeps on ticking, your heart keeps on beating…so try to have as much joy in watching a leaf tumble in the breeze as winning the lottery. Okay, that example may be a bit extreme, but I hope you realize that I mean good will happen, bad will happen…and so is the circle of life. There is no cosmic curse out to get us, weeeeellllll within reason. I’m not condoning starting a Dexter-esque crusade to tickle your boredom, but swear a little, drink a little, grump a little. It’s gonna be okay.

I had two things happen to people in my life that reminded me how important this lesson is. One had a weekend of tough shifts, tears and boy drama…yet standing out in the sun with me awaiting a taco she had a wave of how good her life was. Though there are down times, it doesn’t take away from the good ones. I too have that from time to time – just an overwhelming rush of gratitude towards a nice day, feeling, movie, hug or laugh. A little look at how lucky I am even though lots is going wrong. I think it’s about realizing that wrong isn’t justice for something you did or didn’t do, but just another day in the field.

I also have an aquaintance going through a breakup. A painful, messy, awful breakup, but his naivety is astounding. He isn’t handling it well, he is frankly, losing his goddamn mind. And I shouldn’t judge because I have too. It is easy to wonder what you did when all is going wrong. But, this poor lad, publicly crucifies himself – lamenting about why she left him, how bad his life is and why is karma out to get him. His status updates tell everybody that his life was perfect for 38 years, he was a rockstar and now he is a failure. That for the first time in his life he is suffering hardship – but he worked diligently, saved money, never tried drugs, doesn’t drink, has never cheated and doesn’t deserve it. What I so badly want to tell him is that trying to be perfect doesn’t always create a perfect life – there is no such thing! We all deserve dirty in doses. We all need a little bad to remind us of the good. We all need some struggle to make us stronger and better. We all need to appreciate life in all its terrible glory to understand that it isn’t the absence of bad that makes a life good, it’s the survival of it.

The Ginga Ninja

You Won’t Think This Way Forever…Until You Do Again.

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So, my dad once told me about all the things that he thought could really (f*ck) with your life – the Big 4 so he said. To him, these puzzling life factors are your relationship, where you live, your job, and your finances.

I completely agree with my wise father (which is totally unfair as I’m a daddy’s girl), except for I expanded this list to the Magnificent 7.  I think the things that will mess with your sanity the most are  1. Relationship 2. Where you live (country / city) 3. Housing (what you actually live in / if you rent or buy)  4. Job  5. Finances  6. Friends  7. Family.  This isn’t necessarily in rank order, that my friend is entirely up to you.

So most people might go through changes to any 1-3 of these life-altering issues at a time.  If your relationship ends you may find yourself moving or in a different financial state.  (But, for some that’s not always a bad thing). Others may only find themselves changing jobs, or losing a friend, and a few may even see a lay-off or moving home lead to financial hardship and eventually relationship problems.

Well, what happens when you tackle them all at once?  Are you heading headfirst into a runaway train, or are you setting a course for adventure?  I want to say that in early days and even now I believe the latter, however throughout the year there have been times I feared the first.  Or maybe it’s not about doing good or bad, but where you are at different times.  Maybe there are no rules on what you should feel when and when you should feel what.

But, what do you do when you move to a new country, a new city, start a new job, need to find your own place, are financially impaired, need to make new (or reconnect with old) friends, don’t live near your family, and have to get used to being without the person you were closest to?  Well, I guess you start a blog.

…or yoga…or tai chi…or buy a guitar…or start painting.  You know, whatever random not-at-all-grounded-in-reality activity floats your boat.

Only recently I realized how much happened at once and how I’m damn lucky I am not standing in a Wal-mart with hostages at gunpoint…but, I’m also lucky enough to have people who haven’t yet pulled gunpoint on me. However, I try to remember what I tell everybody else who I’ve ever shouldered along the way…it will take time, clichés are clichés for a reason, and one day you will wake up and forget to be sad.

Ron Livingston as Rob in the classic movie Swingers says, “Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It’s like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn’t hurt at all. And the funny thing is,  this is kinda weird, but it’s like, it’s like you almost miss that pain.”

I’m working on it.  I stay busy, I’m ticking off my someday list, and I try not to let nasty thoughts get me down.  But regret and doubt sneak in from time to time, my someday list gets short, and there are moments when I just need a big old hug.  For anybody out there who deep down knows things happen for a reason, yet in fleeting moments can’t remember what that reason was…I feel for you, I really do.  My advice, even if I suck at listening to it, is hold your head high, remind yourself why you chose this and how hard you knew it might be, and remember that everything will change. It probably already has.

The Ginga Ninja

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