Tag Archives: fear

You can’t spell FEAR without EAR…oops, FAR.

Standard

red-riding-hood-woods-476Every now and again I question the choices I have made. I question whether I chose the right career or the right career could still choose me. I question if my belief in what I want is actually what I want and I often question what tomorrow brings. Every now and again I wonder what would have occurred if I had just made different choices, had different thoughts, walked a different path and essentially was just a different person….well, you know what they say.…you might as well be yourself because everybody else is already taken.

But, seriously, I wish I could take back all the wasted hours of worry, the pointless hours of fear and teach myself what really mattered. You know, the things that are truly important, what you will regret when your end is near and what really deserves your sleepless nights. I can assure you that many times, if only I had a crystal ball in hand, I may have felt differently. But, I didn’t and still don’t.

When you’re young, you have an endless list of goals, aspirations and benchmarks for what you think life is all about. But, the thing is, life isn’t about reaching those goals and benchmarks…life is what happens while you are trying. When you are a teenager you can’t wait for “real life” to begin, when you are in university you can’t stall it long enough.  When you are in your 20’s it’s a bittersweet mix of excitement and fear at every step and in your 30’s, it’s an acceptance of a few things that you cannot change and many you still might….mayyybbeebe when you’re less tired.

But, what happens to all that fear and worry? Well, it doesn’t go away entirely, I can assure you that, but it does evolve. Tomorrow will never be just like today no matter how much you want it to, or how much you fear it might. We don’t always know what tomorrow brings. Life can be hard. Life can be scary. Life can be challenging. Life can be tricky. But, what I know now…is that life can be surprising.  One day you just may wake up and decide that this is all there ever was and this is all there ever will be. The rising of your body, the sleeping of your soul, the foods you try, the strangers you meet, the classes you fail, the promotions you earn…all of this, day-in, day-out…the good, the bad, the mundane and the ugly…this is your life.

Years ago I told a friend that I thought I ruined my life. I was scared to commit, I was scared not to commit. I was scared to live on my own, I was scared to settle. I was scared to go into more debt, I was scared to spend my money in the wrong place. I was scared to go back to school, I was scared to follow the wrong career. I was scared of losing myself, I was scared to be myself. Most of all, I was scared, so  unbelievably scared to admit that I was scared. I had a very misguided life plan that assumed figuring out the answers to these fears would make me happy and fearless, but it was these fears that were actually running my life. And it took time…so much time to figure out that all of this is all I have. As my friend said, you can’t ruin your life, you can only live it.

If I could undo all the fear and the worry I would. But, what journey never had a bump in the road, what novel was ever written after the first swipe of the pen, what soufflé finished after the first crack of an egg? No, it’s these hiccups, these mistakes and these stories that make my life just that…MY life. And you know what? I have from this day forward to remember that the past is the past, the future but a dream and you can only live in your here and now. My new worry can be to worry about how much I used to worry. But, more seriously, my new fear can be how I’m ever going to live enough hours to experience all the things I need to experience in order to say I truly lived.

When I was younger I had a roadmap for my life.  But, turns out that getting lost, it brought me where redscared_400I want to be. – Michael J Fox Show

The Ginga Ninja

Advertisements

Do you ever really know somebody?

Standard

redhead-maskIt’s funny, you think you know a person and then something…somewhere changes and all bets are off.  We think we know the ins and outs of why people operate the way they do – the jocks, the jackasses, the pleasant and the petrified. But do we?

The really confident people, you know, the ones who admonish you or have really strong opinions one way or another – sometimes you find out that deep down they are just as insecure as you and learned to lash out first…that way it didn’t hurt so bad when they were picked on, or maybe, just maybe they hoped that people would be too scared to attack at all.

And the indecisive person?  Are they actually indecisive…or are they too scared to offend somebody else and therefore refuse to choose so they can’t be blamed for the decision?  I know what it feels like to back down quickly, I know what it feels like to second-guess.  I’m not saying I won’t stand my ground…trust me, in the right company I will.  But, there are times it is me being submissive because I am too afraid to anger, or am unprepared for the fight.

So, depending on who is viewing me and on what day – I can seem overly confident or underly decisive (I know it’s not a word, but I love it).  But, suddenly, it is me in all my glory that can’t be trusted and doesn’t appear to know myself, or at the very least present myself.  Nobody is ever really black and white, particularly not anybody of substance.

In this world, we have gotten used to witnessing the end result, not what brought us to that place.  We live in a society of treating the symptom, not the cause. I’ve seen a lot of bad things happen to a lot of people. I’ve seen a lot of people do bad things.  We say not to let others get under our skin…we say not to care, not to listen, not to worry and to always be ourselves.  But, how realistic is this?  We are afterall…human.

So that brings me to the question – do we ever really know someone and inevitably do we always know ourselves? I think we can change our mind all the time. I think we can question our meaning, our world and our weight….and  I think maybe you can never really, truly, honestly know someone or what they think of you. Or even, sometimes what you think of you. I’ve never known such an upbeat song to have such mixed lyrics, but… Some nights I feel this way, and well some nights… I don’t.images (3)

Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights I call it a draw
Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights I wish they’d just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? Most nights I don’t know anymore…

This is it, boys, this is war – what are we waiting for?
Why don’t we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype
Save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I’m half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style

Well, some nights I wish that this all would end
‘Cause I could use some friends for a change.
And some nights I’m scared you’ll forget me again
Some nights I always win.

So this is it. I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this? Come on.

No. When I see stars, that’s all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on.

Well, that is it guys, that is all – five minutes in and I’m bored again
Ten years of this, I’m not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home;
Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?

My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call “love”
When I look into my nephew’s eyes…
Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from…
Some terrible nights…

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The Ginga Ninja

Can Unemployed Be Enjoyed?

Standard

24167437-grunge-rubber-stamp-with-word-unemployed-vector-illustration

Unemployment is a scary word. I mean, I’ve gone through periods where it was my choice (taking a month or two with family prior to or after living overseas), but the moment it stops being your choice….well, basically, you feel like you are failing.

Unemployed people are lazy, they are not as talented, or they are poor at Marketing their abilities, right?  Not always right. The world is many shades of grey, sometimes you need to look for eggshell before you find white or the charcoal before you hit black.  Sometimes EMPLOYED people can be lazy, less talented or poor at Marketing their abilities, but a friend of the family, or 20 years in a job keeps them in the green.  If you think really hard, often the brightest minds were the least stable and taking the most risks.

So, recently we met a group of people who never went to post-secondary school, only worked half the year and did door-to-door sales. I think our initial reaction was that these people were kind of lazy and didn’t have real jobs.  I mean, geeze man, grow up.  If you make such good money, why not work more and save up?  Well, let’s be honest, if you could only work 5 hours a day, 5 months a year and make enough to just dick around the rest of the time, wouldn’t you?

We’ve all had stressful jobs and chaotic periods of time where we would just like a break.  A break from work, from family obligation, from responsibilities and frankly from our life. When you get this much needed break, but it isn’t your choice, suddenly there is a perception of pity and worry around you.  But, sometimes a break gives you the perspective you need to figure out what really matters to you.

I know that shockingly, once I got over the first month of full-time unemployment, I stopped worrying.  I am probably going to be working for the next 35 years, so what’s 6 months off?  The market isn’t what it used to be and taking the wrong job can affect more than you think.  So, when you are working part-time and still have creative outlets, suddenly it doesn’t seem so bad.  I’m a diligent worker, but not a great 9-5er; my health suffers, I’m constantly running late and I am horrible at keeping work at work.  As it turns out, I am best when I am my own boss and make my own hours. I’ve needed to let go of the stigma that I am failing or not living “regular life” and figure out how the hell to create financial stability with my new found enlightenment.

Everybody is different and once we let go of the expectations of others, we can better understand the expectations of self. Not everybody is the same, so we need to remember what works for one may not work for another. I just know that with each new person I meet, my opinions change and each new experience I have, my expectations lower. My dad once said, figure out what you love and the money will come.  I like to think that reigns true for most things – so figure out the money and it leaves time for the things you love.

“I get it now; I didn’t get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible…and enjoying everything in between.” – Mia Farrow

The Ginga Ninja

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Blah, Blah, Blog….

Standard

red journalAre blogs just modern day journals?  Unlike Bridget Jones, how many girls do you think are still locking their diary and hiding it under their mattresses? (I for one wish I had been that smart).

But, at that time, being mentioned in somebody else’s journal was juicy…it was gossip…a secret look into the crazy mind of another.  How mortified would you be if everybody knew what you were thinking and (EGAD) who you accttuuaalllyy had a c-r-u-s-h on?

Nowadays however, we are all encouraged to show our uniqueness.  The irony being, is that the number of online blogs is estimated at around 181 million unique sites.  That is 181 million very un-unique people blabbing about their likes, dislikes, days and hobbies.  Me included of course.

I personally find blog pushers very annoying.  They post it on Facebook, they post it on LinkedIn, they post it at the bottom of their emails; they encourage you to read it on twitter.  Who doesn’t have something better to do than read somebody else’s thoughts?  C’mon.

Well, I guess my saving grace is only a a handful of my loved ones even know this exists.  Maybe they read it because they can relate, maybe they read it because they are bored, maybe it’s because they love and support me, or maybe, just maybe they read it to see if they are mentioned.

Love you ladies….oh, and man.

The Ginga Ninja

Please Tell Me the Meaning of Rollercoasters so I can figure out the Meaning of Life

Standard

red rollercoasterHave you ever known that you wanted to cook, (or bake, or run, or talk, or write), or let’s say do…something, but you don’t really know what? You aren’t sure which activity to choose, or even when you do if it is the right source for your current motivation…but I guess, in all reality, it’s a place for your energies to go.

Well, I’m clearly in that mood. To be honest, gone are the days of diligently filling my journal and more often than not what it was filled with was nonsensical analysis and longing anyways, or in other words (ssshh), “my bad days”. I think often the only reason there was an entry at all was because in that moment I needed something to do and somewhere to put my mind. Busy hands, busy mind…busywork some would say?

Essentially, is our whole life busywork? This is a very warped and skewed view on this I realize, but really, truly, if we overthink it…what does all the good we do achieve? I mean, the Doctor, the Lawyer, and the Panhandler…they all end up in the same place, don’t they? Whether you raise 14 children, 14 cats, or 14 herb gardens (which by the way I won’t be doing as I just managed to successfully kill my dill in 1 week), at the very end…you end up the same. So, that brings me full circle to the meaning of life I suppose.

That’s a big one. A big one that I probably should not tackle. I guess the meaning of life can be different for different people, but it’s a question as old as time itself. If you are Catholic it means one thing (heaven…hell…purgatory), if you are a Buddhist it means another, and really I think how educated you are and what part of the world you are from can impact your meaning too. I mean, there are people out there fighting to stay alive against all odds, and yet in Western culture we take our own because we aren’t sure what to do with them.

So, what is the meaning of life? I can safely say that I know that I don’t know. I can make something up based on all the little “isms” I’ve heard over the years, and I truly wish that I could believe what I tell myself to believe at all times. My mom thinks it’s about using the talents you have and hoping that there really is something bigger than us at the end.

I do the very best I know how – the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. – Abraham Lincoln

I can sum up to the best of MY abilities (and I only claimed President in elementary school), something a little like this: Live as much john lennon, the meaning of lifeas you can while you are here, laugh, cry, think, don’t think, be good to people, always try your hardest, don’t take things too seriously, take some things seriously, and hope that when your end comes you can look back and say “Life is complicated and I did my best”.

I am not sure a world without regret exists, because even if everything happens for a reason or you did what you thought was right at the time…circumstance changes and you change – so your view on how something played out over time will change too. And once upon a time I naively believed that if you lived your life the way you should – you would wake up one day just peachy keen. But, with age and experience I have realized that no matter the situation, that will change too. So, maybe we are human afterall and even if we are content one day, we may be sad the next…Maybe, just maybe, that is just the rollercoaster we call life.

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness is. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” – Albert Camus

The Ginga Ninja

meaning of life

G is for Glutton, G is for Girl

Standard

4943656758_29f17d524e_z

How often do you give up on dating?  Me?  About once a month.  Hell, probably about once a day.

I find that trying to find yourself can be a difficult thing if you aren’t used to being alone, however trying to know yourself without anybody else can be difficult too. Well, at least if the best version of you actually comes out when you are in a relationship. Oh the irony. Suddenly you have all the time in the world to be whoever you want to be and you aren’t always sure who that is.

I often find that my best version of me is actually the version of me that has somebody else to focus on.  I am organized, I am put together, I am doting, thoughtful, calm and all my affection and effort goes into somebody else’s life. I am more focused, less needy, more confident and less pensive.  But, what happens when they stop giving their all back?

It becomes a battle of being the best version of you who shines when with a partner, or being a version of you that deserves better. Or possibly even worse, trying to find the version of you that can learn to be alone. Or crazier still, the version of you that can learn to be alone and completely content. We all deserve the right partner back, but when does the benefit of having a partner outweigh the uncertainty of being just plain old you?

So, once a month I rule out boys.  I decide I’m not ready to date, or I don’t want to date, or nobody is good enough to date.  I don’t form real crushes that easily and yet I often go through the motions of dating because it seems like the healthy thing to do. Ya right, if guilt over not messaging people back, pushing off drinks, and checking your email a zillion times a day is healthy then I’ll be damned.  But, maybe the healthy thing to do is forget about men altogether.  Their strong arms…their scruffy beards…their warm embraces…

Who am I kidding?  I will continue to date.  I will continue to try to play it cool as a cucumber, but completely obsess when I believe I am being rejected. And though I will have many days, weeks, even months where I think being without somebody is easier…(and knowing I deserve the fairytale)…I may still secretly hope in my immature little girl way to meet somebody to complement me again.  Not just the better me, but maybe for once the best me.

The Ginga Ninja

Garbage-Stupid-Girl---Red-243905

James Van Der Badass

Standard

What happens when you finally show the bad version of yourself to others?  Do they accept you, do they cherish you, do they support you?  Or do they raise your biggest fear as their new fear.  Your new worry becomes their worry that you worry.

Life can be complicated. You are told to be yourself and then yourself isn’t good enough either.  So, if you can’t please others and you can’t please yourself, is the new motto “Fuck em”?james-van-der-beek-profile

So, like James VanderBeek playing himself on The B in Apartment 23 (as previously having played Dawson Leary on Dawson’s Creek) says, “I don’t need those guys.  It wasn’t Pacey, Jenn and Joey’s Creek!”

That’s right James.  It was Dawon’s Creek. You tell em.

The Ginga Ninja