Tag Archives: black and white

Do you ever really know somebody?

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redhead-maskIt’s funny, you think you know a person and then something…somewhere changes and all bets are off.  We think we know the ins and outs of why people operate the way they do – the jocks, the jackasses, the pleasant and the petrified. But do we?

The really confident people, you know, the ones who admonish you or have really strong opinions one way or another – sometimes you find out that deep down they are just as insecure as you and learned to lash out first…that way it didn’t hurt so bad when they were picked on, or maybe, just maybe they hoped that people would be too scared to attack at all.

And the indecisive person?  Are they actually indecisive…or are they too scared to offend somebody else and therefore refuse to choose so they can’t be blamed for the decision?  I know what it feels like to back down quickly, I know what it feels like to second-guess.  I’m not saying I won’t stand my ground…trust me, in the right company I will.  But, there are times it is me being submissive because I am too afraid to anger, or am unprepared for the fight.

So, depending on who is viewing me and on what day – I can seem overly confident or underly decisive (I know it’s not a word, but I love it).  But, suddenly, it is me in all my glory that can’t be trusted and doesn’t appear to know myself, or at the very least present myself.  Nobody is ever really black and white, particularly not anybody of substance.

In this world, we have gotten used to witnessing the end result, not what brought us to that place.  We live in a society of treating the symptom, not the cause. I’ve seen a lot of bad things happen to a lot of people. I’ve seen a lot of people do bad things.  We say not to let others get under our skin…we say not to care, not to listen, not to worry and to always be ourselves.  But, how realistic is this?  We are afterall…human.

So that brings me to the question – do we ever really know someone and inevitably do we always know ourselves? I think we can change our mind all the time. I think we can question our meaning, our world and our weight….and  I think maybe you can never really, truly, honestly know someone or what they think of you. Or even, sometimes what you think of you. I’ve never known such an upbeat song to have such mixed lyrics, but… Some nights I feel this way, and well some nights… I don’t.images (3)

Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights I call it a draw
Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights I wish they’d just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? Most nights I don’t know anymore…

This is it, boys, this is war – what are we waiting for?
Why don’t we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype
Save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I’m half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style

Well, some nights I wish that this all would end
‘Cause I could use some friends for a change.
And some nights I’m scared you’ll forget me again
Some nights I always win.

So this is it. I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this? Come on.

No. When I see stars, that’s all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on.

Well, that is it guys, that is all – five minutes in and I’m bored again
Ten years of this, I’m not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home;
Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?

My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call “love”
When I look into my nephew’s eyes…
Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from…
Some terrible nights…

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The Ginga Ninja

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It Feels Like it Ended Before it Even Began

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Pinup Girls, sad redheadHow can you miss something you never really had?  Whether it be a car, a job, a guy, a child, a house…how can you feel a sense of loss over something that was never even yours? It’s funny, I think we surprise ourselves sometimes.  Life is not black and white, so neither are our thoughts, our feelings, or our decisions.

It doesn’t seem to matter how on top of things you are, how many wonderful blessings and people are in your life – the moment something that you thought was almost yours is unattainable…you actually grieve that loss.  It’s silly, how can you grieve something that didn’t exist…or at least didn’t exist to you?

I guess it’s because we build these little goals and visions.  We make decisions in our head and then have to try to attain them in reality.  We envision hopes, dreams, futures and loves, but when reality doesn’t line up with our daydreams…sometimes we can actually feel, well, a bit….sad.  Whenever something ends, there is hopefully a new beginning, but there is also a period where we must learn to let go – not of just what we actually lost, but what we imagined we would gain.  You are learning to let go of those hopes, dreams and visions – in essence, the life you thought you were going to have.

So, my advice is to begin every day as though it’s a new day.  With every new day, try to remind yourself that your life is your new normal, each and every day.  It doesn’t matter what was, or what might’ve been…all that matters is…what IS.

I realize it’s ironic that it’s me giving this message.  But, do as I say, not as I do.

Every day is a new beginning.

The Ginga Ninja

What a Difference a Day Makes

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It seems so impossible that you can be so down one day… and so up the next.  I think everyone hopes for that magical day where they are just content all the time.  Isn’t that what your over-achieving parents told you?  Mine certainly did.  You have achieved all you wanted to achieve, worked hard all your life, and poof, you are ultimately content with the life you have created.

So, it still surprises me that I am surprised when I can have a really good day following a bad.

But, things change…we may not want them to, but things change.  And frankly, life does not work this way.  Whoever told you this was creating an unrealistic dream and whoever believed this was a sucker.  Hello, pleased to meet you…my name is Sucker.

But if life were always simple and working hard ultimately meant that everything worked out…where would stories for books, screenplays for movies, and lyrics for songs come from?  Somebody needed to have a good day, a bad one, a good love, a bad one, or ultimately an amazing or awful experience in order to gain that inspiration.

So, as I get older I try harder and harder to understand that I am me. With me comes some good and some bad. And me is probably just like everybody else…just a little bit more worrisome about what those bad days mean and maybe a bit more hopeful about the good ones.  But, everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY…Britney Spears, Prince Charles, Michael Phelps, even good old Robert Pattison have good days and bad.  When you are a famous, good-looking multi-millionaire at 26 – who knew you didn’t shit gold all the time?  If you have a rough sleep, get in a car accident, or have to mourn the passing of a pet…even the happiest of happy people can have a day where they just want to stay in bed forever.

As I sit in a beautiful backyard watching a waterfall, staring at lilies, listening to music, and watching two little puppies play, the desire to sleep forever and call it quits on hoping for everything I ever wanted seem so far away.

So, like Izzy in Grey’s Anatomy…you usually don’t understand the difference a day can make until you living it.

You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until it’s happening. You don’t recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you’re right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate day.  The day you realize there’s not enough time, because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days.

So, don’t be like me…aspire instead to be like a good friend of mine.  She doesn’t overthink the bad days…just has em.  Maybe her mom was a realist, who knows…but realize that just because you are cranky and depressed and the sky looks like an old black and white photo today…doesn’t mean this day will be your every day.

The Ginga Ninja