Precursor to this post. I haven’t written in a while. Well, untrue, I haven’t posted in awhile. I’ve been going through a wealth of wiley emotions, even before quarantine hit. So though we are isolated now, I was feeling isolated even before this began. Welcome my friends, to the unremarkable journey. My unremarkable journey.
Have a little faith. Think positive thoughts. Only worry about what you can control.
That..is..so..hard. Over and over as the years go by, I’ve tried to look on the bright side of life. TRIED being the operative word. I’ve tried to be positive about my new friends, old friends, future loves, hopeful jobs and slowly growing finances. Through every breakup, makeup, change, hurdle, ailment, broken promise, I just… tried. Hell, I try. But, things aren’t always my way, things are seldom my way, even when I try.
There are so many moments of unlucky. The trains missed, the loves lost, the doors closed, the quittings, the firings, the debt, the taxes, the broken bones and broken hearts. Not to mention the health scares, the family dramas, the lonelies, and loseries and the general feelings of envy and FOMO, isolation and introversion. That dark fear of failure and worry, the sinking great unknown and the aching void.
But, every once in awhile, every once in a small while…I have these moments of lucky. Just made the elevator, got my purse back, found my phone, free parking, free coffee, good song, cute guy, fluked a raise and wrangled a promotion. The mystery that is my life gives me little signs that maybe just maybe the universe isn’t out to fuck me after all.
And things you dared not say out loud start to happen. Things like paying off debt, falling in love, buying a house, keeping a job, building a partnership, living your vision, hoping for a future. Some of these things start to happen. More so, things like coming off the pill, tracking apps, testing with strips, peeing on sticks…things like seeing two solid lines and knowing that nothing will ever be the same again happen. Things you never thought that YOU, unlucky old you could have, well those things start to happen.
Well, turns out life isn’t fair. And all that worry you put into friends and sports, health and school, careers, finances, getting houses and splitting couches….well that was nothing. From the moment those double lines show up on that small white stick, every worry you ever had feels like it never existed. I’m not saying that life only means something if you have kids, or experience pregnancy…do not get me wrong. What I am saying is that the journey is a difficult, unfair sequence of events and emotions. Nobody should have to go through it, let alone almost everybody.
Timing out sex was hard. Tracking in an app is hard. Peeing on sticks and trying to get it down to one day..is hard. Waiting to test is hard. Spotting at 6 weeks is hard. Spotting at 7 weeks is hard. Getting not one but two rounds of emergency ultrasounds and bloods is hard. Nausea is hard. Migraines are hard. Insomnia…well, that is really hard (even when the bed is soft).
And guess what – that is just the beginning. Getting your nuchal ultrasound is hard, especially when you have to get it twice. Waiting for your chromosome testing to come back…well, you guessed it…hard. Particularly if you are over 35, because in terms of childbirth, you are a geriatric dinosaur. I repeat, geriatric dinosaur, so I also repeat…hard.
But what’s even harder you ask? Getting a bad reading. Getting a very bad 1 in 9 high-risk, panic-inducing reading. And being told not to google. But, not googling is hard. And when you do, well you read about people with 1 in 11 and 1 and 5 who were okay, people like you. So you think, maybe it doesn’t have to be so hard. Maybe I’m them, maybe they’re me, maybe it can be okay. Maybe I can be okay.
But, want to know what gets hard again? Not thinking about it until you go for that next round of bloods. Not knowing what those bloods will say. Hearing some people getting better odds and for others, well they rule out all risk. But not all. And guess what, not knowing if you need amniotic testing – that is hard. Trying to decide whether to complete this potentially miscarriage-inducing procedure or going into the unknown with a big fat 11% chance of a positive outcome…is hard.
And that my friends is where I am. I am researching my odds. And trying my best not to freak out. While of course freaking out. I didn’t know if I would meet someone, if I could or would get pregnant, if I would make it through the spotting, the first heartbeat, the first trimester. Right as I cleared the miscarriage hurdle I came smack up to the chromosome one. And even if I clear that too, well then there is gestational diabetes, prechlamsia, early labour, c-sections, epidurals and breach births to think about. And all of this before you even have a newborn to deal with.
Just one damn hurdle after another. A mental, physical and emotional mindfuck of the trickiest kind. And there was nothing I did, or can do to fix it. And that my friends is the hardest kind of hard.
The Ginga Ninja