Category Archives: Expectations

The hard side of being up and the soft side of being down

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Precursor to this post. I haven’t written in a while. Well, untrue, I haven’t posted in awhile. I’ve been going through a wealth of wiley emotions, even before quarantine hit. So though we are isolated now, I was feeling isolated even before this began. Welcome my friends, to the unremarkable journey. My unremarkable journey.

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Have a little faith. Think positive thoughts. Only worry about what you can control.

That..is..so..hard. Over and over as the years go by, I’ve tried to look on the bright side of life. TRIED being the operative word. I’ve tried to be positive about my new friends, old friends, future loves, hopeful jobs and slowly growing finances. Through every breakup, makeup, change, hurdle, ailment, broken promise, I just… tried. Hell, I try. But, things aren’t always my way, things are seldom my way, even when I try.

There are so many moments of unlucky. The trains missed, the loves lost, the doors closed, the quittings, the firings, the debt, the taxes, the broken bones and broken hearts. Not to mention the health scares, the family dramas, the lonelies, and loseries and the general feelings of envy and FOMO, isolation and introversion. That dark fear of failure and worry, the sinking great unknown and the aching void.

But, every once in awhile, every once in a small while…I have these moments of lucky. Just made the elevator, got my purse back, found my phone, free parking, free coffee, good song, cute guy, fluked a raise and wrangled a promotion. The mystery that is my life gives me little signs that maybe just maybe the universe isn’t out to fuck me after all.

And things you dared not say out loud start to happen. Things like paying off debt, falling in love, buying a house, keeping a job, building a partnership, living your vision, hoping for a future. Some of these things start to happen. More so, things like coming off the pill, tracking apps, testing with strips, peeing on sticks…things like seeing two solid lines and knowing that nothing will ever be the same again happen. Things you never thought that YOU, unlucky old you could have, well those things start to happen.

Well, turns out life isn’t fair. And all that worry you put into friends and sports, health dynamiteand school, careers, finances, getting houses and splitting couches….well that was nothing. From the moment those double lines show up on that small white stick, every worry you ever had feels like it never existed. I’m not saying that life only means something if you have kids, or experience pregnancy…do not get me wrong. What I am saying is that the journey is a difficult, unfair sequence of events and emotions. Nobody should have to go through it, let alone almost everybody.

Timing out sex was hard. Tracking in an app is hard. Peeing on sticks and trying to get it down to one day..is hard. Waiting to test is hard. Spotting at 6 weeks is hard. Spotting at 7 weeks is hard. Getting not one but two rounds of emergency ultrasounds and bloods is hard. Nausea is hard. Migraines are hard. Insomnia…well, that is really hard (even when the bed is soft).

And guess what – that is just the beginning. Getting your nuchal ultrasound is hard, especially when you have to get it twice. Waiting for your chromosome testing to come back…well, you guessed it…hard. Particularly if you are over 35, because in terms of childbirth, you are a geriatric dinosaur. I repeat, geriatric dinosaur, so I also repeat…hard.

But what’s even harder you ask? Getting a bad reading. Getting a very bad 1 in 9 high-risk, panic-inducing reading. And being told not to google. But, not googling is hard. And when you do, well you read about people with 1 in 11 and 1 and 5 who were okay, people like you. So you think, maybe it doesn’t have to be so hard. Maybe I’m them, maybe they’re me, maybe it can be okay. Maybe I can be okay.

But, want to know what gets hard again?  Not thinking about it until you go for that next round of bloods. Not knowing what those bloods will say. Hearing  some people getting better odds and for others, well they rule out all risk. But not all. And guess what, not knowing if you need amniotic testing – that is hard. Trying to decide whether to complete this potentially miscarriage-inducing procedure or going into the unknown with a big fat 11% chance of a positive outcome…is hard.

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And that my friends is where I am. I am researching my odds. And trying my best not to freak out. While of course freaking out. I didn’t know if I would meet someone, if I could or would get pregnant, if I would make it through the spotting, the first heartbeat, the first trimester. Right as I cleared the miscarriage hurdle I came smack up to the chromosome one. And even if I clear that too, well then there is gestational diabetes, prechlamsia, early labour, c-sections, epidurals and breach births to think about. And all of this before you even have a newborn to deal with.

Just one damn hurdle after another. A mental, physical and emotional mindfuck of the trickiest kind. And there was nothing I did, or can do to fix it. And that my friends is the hardest kind of hard. 

The Ginga Ninja

 

Feeling left behind

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It’s a feeling I’ve had on and off over the years. As have you, and him, and her. And probably my brother, and mom, maybe one of my good friends. Hell, maybe all of them. But, it’s not something openly discussed. Mental health and sexuality are now diagnosed, talked about, named and acknowledged, but feeling “less than” is something still in the closet, lurking behind closed doors, a Voldemort yet to be named.

Well, I’m sure we’ve all felt it. But, what do you do when you feel like others have moved on. And not always in a good way or bad way, but just in a different way? I’ve seen people move out of the city, buy houses, get married, have kids and in all orders imaginable and irreversible. Now, I’m not saying that everything works out for the best, some of those people move back or never even made it out in the first place, some are divorced, some lose their job, some lose their will, but what happens when you feel like you are standing still. I’ve got my cat, my plants, my goals to lose weight, but nothing else is on the horizon. Life just….is.

The funny thing is that is how I always wanted life to be. I didn’t want a neverending to do list of benchmarks and milestones, I just wanted to be okay in the everyday, in the mundane and in the now. And for the most part I am…but get a little case of the “wait for meeees” when my Instagram is littered with new dogs and babies, strollers and renos, wedding rings and honeymoons. There is nothing wrong with my life, but I feel a little left behind, not invited to the old gatherings, not cool enough for the new mom’s cool kids group, too old to party, too young to afternoon tea.

What to do? Do I wallow in my self-pity and think about all the friends I used to spend time with, do I fast-track my life plan to fit into my peers, do I think about all the times I tried to lead that pack with trips and adventures, new cities, new risks, new dates and new friends? I guess none of the above, because no amount of thinking, wishing, envying, or worrying is going to change the outcome. Tomorrow is what it will be and their plans are theirs, not mine. I can only hope that the world I fit into is the world that doesn’t forget to let me fit in. And the world that does forget, well I guess it’s not my world anymore.

“Normality is a paved road. It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it.” – Vincent Van Gogh

Just goes to show, you never can tell.

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You never can tell.

There are times I feel like a crazy person. Times I feel ostracized, outed, unsure, uncertain and just straight up envious of others. And you know what, I have wondered, do you think anybody ever feels jealous of me?

I guess I believed that as a kid they might. They just might. Over sports…or my house…certainly not my parents’ parenting or my ginger looks. And I guess I believed they just might when I picked up and moved across the world, littering Facebook with my uber amazing couply travel photos. And I guess I believed it when my beotchy coworker said “Sorry I’m not as perfect as you” immediately after she was reprimanded. And I guess I believed it when I accidentally lost a bunch of weight and suddenly looked good in a bikini and could rock a small.

But, those are all one-offs right? That coworker actually ended up crazy wealthy and on TV. Those sports skills? Well, they created these multi-surgeried, excessively scarred 70 year old knees. And those looks? Well, I’m still a ginger. And that weight? Well, I gained it back…and then some.

So, why would anybody envy me, lil old me, right?

Wrong. That perfect-post, quick to commit, new dog, skinny bod, wildest dreams come true girl you envy? Well, for reasons you may not know, for reasons you would never know from the shiny, bright, outside Instagram perspective…they envy you. They envy your nature, your honesty, your jokes, your ability to understand, they envy what you’ve learned, or the love they think you have. But, who knew?

And there is life summed up as a girl. We all want to believe somebody else’s life is better, purer, prettier, surer than ours. Nobody feels how we feel, nobody doubts how we doubt, nobody envies how we envy, nobody cries how we cry. But, here’s a secret…they do.

“If we knew each other’s secrets, what comforts we should find.”  – John Churton Collins

The Ginga Ninja

Did I spell rong wrong?

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I’ve been trying to put my finger on what exactly has been wrong lately, and somehow…I can’t.red-quote

There is no big bad wolf knocking at my door, no financial crisis lurking around the corner, no extreme loneliness, no terrible boss, no family drama, no pet crisis, no major health scares. Things are more together than they have been in a really long time…and once in awhile, one in a blue moon, I think THAT is the problem.

I’ve been fighting my demons as I age. They say your 30’s are actually the greatest decade, and truthfully I believe it. I’ve been navigating my way through the unknown and learning to give the finger to more of what doesn’t work in my world. The thing is, the more I give the finger to things and the deeper I root myself into my little world…the further I drift away from all those someday dreams I used to have. Someday wedding, someday house, someday trip, someday career…

As I get older and make rash decisions my chances for somedays get smaller. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wanted to live in this world. The present, the real, the everyday…and most days it’s a great world to live in. Understand and appreciate what you do have, just don’t think about the rest…but every once in awhile…every once in panic-inducing while…something feels wrong.

I have always struggled with the thought that something feeling wrong meant something in your life was actually…wrong. I didn’t understand that as a human I would have good days and bad, secure and insecure moments and would feel “that” feeling in the pit of my stomach, pushing up against my lungs…for many reasons other than actual hardship.

A big meeting, a hard test, a first kiss…these can all create those feelings. So, lately…when they creep up…I need to fight the urge to assume something is actually out of place in my world and needs fixing. I need to accept the fact that it’s okay to feel bad when you send a cat to the shelter or let a new crush down. It’s okay to feel bad when you can’t afford your vacation or you get dis-invited to a cottage because they over counted. It’s okay to feel bad. Hell, it’s okay to feel.

So, as I struggle to figure out what exactly is wrong…I think the answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong, other than my inability to feel bad without feeling wrong. And frankly, that in itself is what is wrong.

Life is Messy.  It Kicks you in the Ass. That’s right, I said Ass.  But, it does, it kicks you in the ass.  And the messy parts are the best parts. – Jess, New Girl

The Ginga Ninja

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Life in a Nutshell or Nuthouse?

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squirrel_600__18845-1431804042-190-250When oh when will the day come where I become that person I always wanted to be? I won’t second guess, I won’t make decisions for the wrong reasons, well better yet, I’ll only make the right decisions and I’ll always put myself first. When will my pride outweigh my humiliation, when will my choices always make me feel good, when will my decisiveness outweigh my doubts? No falters, no fear, no regret and certainly no embarrassment.

The problem is, that is the version of life I was very stupidly trying to attain, hell, I think many people were. You think if you follow a certain series of steps, benchmarks, events, milestones and mentors that you won’t question your outcomes, avenues, wealth or worth.

Unfortunately being human means being imperfect and being imperfect means you will never ever make the right decision or have the right reaction in every situation. In a bad mood you may yell at your cat, when feeling ansy you may have one beer to many, you may text back too fast, you may call back too slow, you may talk to the wrong boy, you may marry the wrong girl. You may make a poor financial decision, find yourself let go from a job, burn the lawn, burn your mind, overdo narcotics, hell, overdo sports, alienate your friends, lose your dog, lose your mind. People aren’t perfect, plain and simple, people screw up.

So, each time I think “why did I do that?” or think that if only I had done something differently, or hell could have crazy-alarm-clockchanged the outcome…I have to realize that life is full of twists and turns. And you know what…it’s not where you land that make it life, it’s those windy passages along the way. The learning of a new lesson, finding a new bar, making a new friend, discovering a new passion, removing burdens, discarding demons, realizing that you can mess up and still stand…that, in a nutshell my friend, is life.

The only road to happiness is to realize there is no Road to Happiness – Robin Williams, A Merry Friggen Christmas

Fears on my Pillow

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11939673_508650149289788_540609435_nThere’s a lot of fear in letting yourself go. Well, in whatever. Go headfirst into a school, country, career and most importantly love. You know, it’s easy to fall in love, not as easy to stay in it. So, let’s hope you break your ankle, because then you can’t get up (get it – because you have fallen? Hardy har har)

Anytime you find yourself in a meaningful relationship, you realize how quickly you dissolve into the other person. You have to start to give up your alone time, plans with friends and family and make the hard choices of where to be on the weekend, when to push for equal rights, when to back off for individualism. How to handle the I’m sorries as easily as the I love you’s and how to vehementaly watch the back of another, while still trying to watch your own. It’s a precious little balancing act, some that only few get right, and sometimes only right for awhile.

Maybe even harder is when you do think you have it all together, that right person, that ying to your yang, that white picket fence, is the eventual evolution of giving up your things, your space, your identity, yourself. Everybody says you won’t, and you can’t even be fully with somebody unless you know your boundaries, but you do, there is no ifs ands or buts around it, and if you want a future, you begin to let go of the past. And this my friend, is probably the scariest feeling of all. Letting yourself go, in trust, in faith, in paperwork, in finances, in asylums to another – it’s easy to second guess and it’s extremely easy to falter, but eventually you need to move forward.

Before long you dissolve into the relationship. First you give up your place, then you give up your taste. Compromising on furniture, clothes, where you eat and then one day you are just an appendage to someone else – no thoughts or no life of your own. I feel like without a space that’s just mine, I’ll disappear. – Larissa, the Carrie Diaries

The Ginga Ninja

The Neverending Story

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1dfffc445d3e85da28400c495fc9a67eSome things are just never done.  Have you ever noticed that? It’s infuriating, no seriously. No matter how many loads of laundry you put through, how many showers you take, how often you sweep, or even how thorough you shave your legs….it’s never really done.

The saddest part of this is that these things only really finish when we do.

I guess in that case it’s important to put in perspective that with all the annoying things finally being finished, so would all the good things.  All the sunsets you could still see, the rollercoasters you could ride, brussel sprouts you could eat (if you actually like those disgusting little morsels), or kisses you could muster.  Put it in perspective.  Every end is a beginning and every beginning is an end.

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
Winston Churchill

The Ginga Ninja