Category Archives: Deep in Thought

Sometimes we overthink situations and can see the past and the future, but forget about the present.

It’s good to be bad

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There are times I think about writing. And I don’t just mean the concept of what is writing, I mean…sitting down and actually writing. Unfortunately, usually early in the morning or late, late at night (which is still technically early in the morning) are those times. And well, full-time jobs and sleep requirements and all that jazz prevent me from getting up and writing in the moment I have ideas, probably good ideas. Not like now.

So, sometimes I don’t write. And I don’t really know why. I don’t think it’s that I have writer’s block per say; it’s not as though I sit down and nothing comes out. Just lately, I don’t sit down. I just don’t sit down to do it and odder still, I don’t feel a void when I don’t.

Sadly, the moments I write the most, are when I’m the most sad. Sadness, confusion, introspection, jealousy, uncertainty…these are the things that drive those words. And art. And literature. And entertainment. And almost anything good or meaningful that ever came out of this life.

If you look back in time, many of the most talented, creative, artistic sons o’bitches out there were riddled with issues. Depression, anxiety and straight-up being stuck in those heads tends to be what leads to the best art. And that in itself is terrible. The people who make our joy seldom experience it. The everyday people, maybe those are the people living life, but not driving it forward. The socially awkward, societally-shunned geniuses and the drug-raddled, insomniatic depressives are the ones that add the je ne sais quoi to our world. And what they provide is what makes everybody else’s life better, but not necessarily their own.

This is a conversation that has come up a lot lately. As my creative friend risked it all to start a new business, and yet another artistic mastermind took their own life, and well, I just creep other people’s perfect profiles with envy like a modern day peeping tom….Often the best results in our life are driven by the worst times. And the best times result in the worst outputs.

So, though this may not be the best thing I’ve ever written, maybe that’s good. Maybe it’s good to be good, and great to be great, but state of mind and quality of work may not always be one in the same. So maybe sometimes it’s good to be bad and bad to be good.

Some people are born mediocre ,some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.  –  Joseph Heller

Did I spell rong wrong?

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I’ve been trying to put my finger on what exactly has been wrong lately, and somehow…I can’t.red-quote

There is no big bad wolf knocking at my door, no financial crisis lurking around the corner, no extreme loneliness, no terrible boss, no family drama, no pet crisis, no major health scares. Things are more together than they have been in a really long time…and once in awhile, one in a blue moon, I think THAT is the problem.

I’ve been fighting my demons as I age. They say your 30’s are actually the greatest decade, and truthfully I believe it. I’ve been navigating my way through the unknown and learning to give the finger to more of what doesn’t work in my world. The thing is, the more I give the finger to things and the deeper I root myself into my little world…the further I drift away from all those someday dreams I used to have. Someday wedding, someday house, someday trip, someday career…

As I get older and make rash decisions my chances for somedays get smaller. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wanted to live in this world. The present, the real, the everyday…and most days it’s a great world to live in. Understand and appreciate what you do have, just don’t think about the rest…but every once in awhile…every once in panic-inducing while…something feels wrong.

I have always struggled with the thought that something feeling wrong meant something in your life was actually…wrong. I didn’t understand that as a human I would have good days and bad, secure and insecure moments and would feel “that” feeling in the pit of my stomach, pushing up against my lungs…for many reasons other than actual hardship.

A big meeting, a hard test, a first kiss…these can all create those feelings. So, lately…when they creep up…I need to fight the urge to assume something is actually out of place in my world and needs fixing. I need to accept the fact that it’s okay to feel bad when you send a cat to the shelter or let a new crush down. It’s okay to feel bad when you can’t afford your vacation or you get dis-invited to a cottage because they over counted. It’s okay to feel bad. Hell, it’s okay to feel.

So, as I struggle to figure out what exactly is wrong…I think the answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong, other than my inability to feel bad without feeling wrong. And frankly, that in itself is what is wrong.

Life is Messy.  It Kicks you in the Ass. That’s right, I said Ass.  But, it does, it kicks you in the ass.  And the messy parts are the best parts. – Jess, New Girl

The Ginga Ninja

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Coming up Thistles

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red-roses-1410101You know that old saying everything’s coming up roses – well, what happens when everything is coming up, well, not roses? Is it lemons? Is it worms?  Ticks? Nightmares? Daffodils? Toilet Seat Covers??? We definitely have that cliche saying about “when life hands you lemons…” on second thought, how come everything is related to flora? Like what about garbage, water, clouds…when life hands you clouds…sounds catchy – no?

Either way, that old cliché  about roses doesn’t even make sense because roses have thorns. So, maybe whoever thought about that was really thinking…when everything is coming up with the beautiful wonderfulness that can be life, but there is still a thorny little thing to avoid buried underneath…well, that is really life now isn’t it? So, maybe when everything is coming up thistles there is some weird flowerly goodness or beautiful scent just lingering nearby.

I can tell you that my day started out great and very quickly, well, everything started coming up thistles (it’s my new saying and I’m sticking to it). Just one hiccup after the other – one drama, conundrum, temporarily unsolvable problem, letdown, stress inducer and this poor little mind can only handle so many. But, I know, just like I knew yesterday, just like I’ll know tomorrow…I just have to get through the day. Tomorrow starts anew yet again. In the show, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt she says you can survive anything for 10 seconds. So, even in a lengthier bad moment, she just starts over when she reaches 10. Count to ten, begin again.

So, thistles, thorns, fruit, or flowers, well today is today. I gotta just get through head held as high as I can keep it  (without losing it on any poor soul) and be sure to remember that today isn’t tomorrow and tomorrow isn’t yesterday and so on and so forth, motivational blah, blah, blah.

Just checking to see if you are still paying attention. But, seriously, you can weather any storm, there’s always tomorrow, today is the first day of the rest of your life, without the rain there is no rainbow..really, the ending is up to you.

The Ginga Ninja

35 Reasons to Give up…or Give in…and Dance.

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Something is bothering me, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Whether the weather (hehe), the fact I still haven’t lost those 10 lbs, my fear over letting myself go in love and trust, or maybe plain and simply that I’m turning 35 is the culprit. There, I said it, an actuality that never seemed possible is happening – I can no longer pretend to be a child, or tell myself I have more time to figure it all out…for quite a while now, but particularly in the next 5 days – my need to be the person I’m supposed to be is now. Asthma, panic, wandering mind…you name it, but whatever has set in is settling in and nothing aside from exercise, hot baths, tears, or maybe some xanax could fix it.

This all sounds a little drastic, 35 is the new 25 and you are only as old as you feel…yada yadagettingold yada…it’s not really that old, when I was your age…you name your cliche. And until right this moment I didn’t think it was a problem. Then again, the end of the summer always causes my little Virgo brain to wander and worry. Cold nights, overcast days, a +1 to that age and even snowflakes are coming. Hell, with how I’m describing it, one would think I’m in Winterfell (Game of Thrones reference for those non-nerds out there).

But so on, and so forth this is life. This is all that is life. And this is a feeling I haven’t had in awhile. One I don’t like, one I don’t need, but maybe one that needs to happen to constantly grow. So, I’ll take a swig of beer, apartment dance my face off and remember, well, I’ll probably feel just like this one year from now. And a friend of mine, well, she is also facing this conundrum and facing it well. In her own right she realized that each and every year you could write a list of things you need to do, should do, should at least start, or at least start thinking about… or you could write a list of things you already have. So, alright 35, let’s do this, like she is doing 34 in style.

“Being a grown-up is hard. Like, all my passwords have to have at least eight characters and uppercase letters now. I don’t think a ton of people are trying to break into my account just to pay my gas bill.  We should be able to have easier passwords.” – Kate, Garfunkel & Oates

The Ginga Ninja

Fears on my Pillow

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11939673_508650149289788_540609435_nThere’s a lot of fear in letting yourself go. Well, in whatever. Go headfirst into a school, country, career and most importantly love. You know, it’s easy to fall in love, not as easy to stay in it. So, let’s hope you break your ankle, because then you can’t get up (get it – because you have fallen? Hardy har har)

Anytime you find yourself in a meaningful relationship, you realize how quickly you dissolve into the other person. You have to start to give up your alone time, plans with friends and family and make the hard choices of where to be on the weekend, when to push for equal rights, when to back off for individualism. How to handle the I’m sorries as easily as the I love you’s and how to vehementaly watch the back of another, while still trying to watch your own. It’s a precious little balancing act, some that only few get right, and sometimes only right for awhile.

Maybe even harder is when you do think you have it all together, that right person, that ying to your yang, that white picket fence, is the eventual evolution of giving up your things, your space, your identity, yourself. Everybody says you won’t, and you can’t even be fully with somebody unless you know your boundaries, but you do, there is no ifs ands or buts around it, and if you want a future, you begin to let go of the past. And this my friend, is probably the scariest feeling of all. Letting yourself go, in trust, in faith, in paperwork, in finances, in asylums to another – it’s easy to second guess and it’s extremely easy to falter, but eventually you need to move forward.

Before long you dissolve into the relationship. First you give up your place, then you give up your taste. Compromising on furniture, clothes, where you eat and then one day you are just an appendage to someone else – no thoughts or no life of your own. I feel like without a space that’s just mine, I’ll disappear. – Larissa, the Carrie Diaries

The Ginga Ninja

Are you Lonesome Tonight?

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It’s funny how much our confidence and independence can vary on a daily basis, hell an hourly even. When you have learned all you can from your job, your boss is on your back and you stare into the abyss of your duldrums, you think you can do better, go farther, do more and start to not give a rat’s ass who sees you take long lunches or wear flip-flops in the office. But, take that same employee with a watchful boss, a reprimand, an uncertain raise, an unapproved vacation, on a contract with no certainty of full-time and there you have a bumbling little worry-wart who imagines day in and day out what job security and a paid vacation could be.

Years into a relationship, ring on your finger, child at your hip, up to your eyeballs in dog shit and pool repairs, sounds like it’s time to take your partner for granted, sounds like it’s time to wonder if the grass is greener, if you sold out too early, if you could have done better. I mean, afterall, this is your life and you gave it all up. What do you want, who would you do, where would you go, hell, what movie would you watch if you were alone? And yet, that very same person can be a little ball of angst when somebody loses their phone for the night and goes missing in action. The moment you don’t have control and there is too much silence, too much unknown, too much fear – that secure individual who don’t take no shit becomes a scared little girl. The world becomes a scary place the moment we stop controlling it.

Do you ever feel invincible one moment and worthless the next? – The Experimenter

It’s crazy how a step out of line, a pawn out of place, a question mark in a row of periods can throlonely_red_shoes_by_coffee_and_donutsw off our game. What kind of crazy thoughts and unsettled behaviours erupt. We can’t wait for a night away from real life and once you have it, you remember just how lonely alone can be.

“…. I tried to live alone, but lonely is so lonely, alone. So human as I am, I had to give up my defences. So I smiled and tried to mean it, to let myself go. Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart. Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in.” – Mika, Any other world

The Ginga Ninja

Talk yourself out of it

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keep-calm-and-talk-to-yourself-3Do you ever talk to yourself?

It’s an interesting topic that’ I’ve broached with a few people lately. Most of us know that people talk to pets, curse like a sailor to computers or some even need to talk themselves through the steps of a project. I’ve done a bit of a polling around and it turns out that speaking out loud is quite a common thing. Well, that’s a given (unless your are a ventriloquist) speaking without it being out loud is next to impossible, but you know what I mean, speaking aloud when nobody is there should be one step away from the funny farm, right?

Some people talk when they are mad at themselves, some do it when they are thinking through a complex task and some (like me) say their side of a conversation to a person that has no idea they are in it. The funny thing is, I never know I am doing it until I am around other human beings and suddenly catch myself talking to well, nobody while walking down the street. You know that your crazy neighbourhood has embedded itself, when…

But, in that moment I realize that I think too much, worry too much and probably shouldn’t be living by my crazy self. When I think a tough conversation is coming – with my mom, a boss, a friend, a beau…I think about how it will go before it ever happens. Some write letters, some write it down on paper, but me? Well, I rehearse it in my head…or out loud.

This in itself made me worry about that very head, but the moment I started admitting this out loud (purposely) to5fe8522804692498e327e080f5e2745b others, I was told that this is a surprisingly normal thing. Two co-workers have come out of the closet charging themselves with guilty on rehearsing mental scripts too, glad to know even when I’m alone, well, I’m not really alone.

Some time ago I read that if you were in a bad place, you should speak aloud and video or audio record it. That for some reason, your true self and your true thoughts will emerge. I guess unless you have a steady stream of consciousness when you write, the words on paper may not evoke your real emotion or even opinion. I guess it’s because you are busy trying to make sense of it and make it sound all fancy dancy for you readers out there, editing, proofing, using big words and the whatnot. But, if you are upset, if you are confused, if you are lost…speak aloud and the thoughts will come. Funnily enough, I was watching a show tonight that thought the very same thing…

Sometimes you say the things you need to hear – Grace, Frankie & Grace

The Ginga Ninja