Category Archives: Uncertainty

We’ve all had it, most of us live through it. I’m doing my worst at doing my best.

Sock it to me

Standard

socks-with-holesSome time ago I tried to organize my life. I got rid of old clothes, started re-wearing my wardrobe, bought a shoe rack and tossed all my socks with holes in them. I did this thinking that cleaning up my loft would inadvertently clean up my mind. I was at the backend of yet another misadventure of the heart and was trying to keep my thoughts off the ever impending “will he text” question that nowadays, for many, seems to be the meaning of life. To Text or Not to Text, the new moral dilemma, the never-ending cauldron of doubt and a multitude of technological mishaps only make for more confusion than ever before.

I was doing this with my friend and at the time we were having the never-resolved discussion of accountability, dating, what it all means, who we like or don’t and trying to appease the guilts or angers we had with a little organizing…and a lot of alcohol. He was two days deep into a texting marathon and mine was just coming to a crashing halt.

Anyway, opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one. A co-worker told me that pride is over-rated; if you want to know, just send a message. Another friend says she always holds out until she gets mad enough to call a spade a spade. Another friend says that her pride is too strong to ever message somebody where wires were crossed, and yet in the right mood she will put up with more crap from a guy than I ever would. My former boss once told me that if she had the balls 20 years ago she had now; life would’ve gone a lot smoother. There is no point in not saying what you want to say because people regret the things they didn’t do more than the ones they did. And that ass that blew you off? Well, whether you send one more message explaining your side or not, they still blew you off. Same outcome. Thought for the day guys and gals.

So, like my attempt to clean up and simplify dating, I tried to do the same for my wardrobe. When deciding between the no name 4-pack or the brand name 3-pack of socks, we decided to go the quality route. Maybe, just maybe my choices would rub off in all areas of life. Funnily enough, those more expensive quality socks? They tore a hole, downloadafter only one wear. Socks, like life, even with thought and exertion… can still let you down.

“Fucking socks. You put a little effort into getting a better pair and there are still holes in them…” – Anonymous

 

The Ginga Ninja

35 Reasons to Give up…or Give in…and Dance.

Standard

Something is bothering me, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Whether the weather (hehe), the fact I still haven’t lost those 10 lbs, my fear over letting myself go in love and trust, or maybe plain and simply that I’m turning 35 is the culprit. There, I said it, an actuality that never seemed possible is happening – I can no longer pretend to be a child, or tell myself I have more time to figure it all out…for quite a while now, but particularly in the next 5 days – my need to be the person I’m supposed to be is now. Asthma, panic, wandering mind…you name it, but whatever has set in is settling in and nothing aside from exercise, hot baths, tears, or maybe some xanax could fix it.

This all sounds a little drastic, 35 is the new 25 and you are only as old as you feel…yada yadagettingold yada…it’s not really that old, when I was your age…you name your cliche. And until right this moment I didn’t think it was a problem. Then again, the end of the summer always causes my little Virgo brain to wander and worry. Cold nights, overcast days, a +1 to that age and even snowflakes are coming. Hell, with how I’m describing it, one would think I’m in Winterfell (Game of Thrones reference for those non-nerds out there).

But so on, and so forth this is life. This is all that is life. And this is a feeling I haven’t had in awhile. One I don’t like, one I don’t need, but maybe one that needs to happen to constantly grow. So, I’ll take a swig of beer, apartment dance my face off and remember, well, I’ll probably feel just like this one year from now. And a friend of mine, well, she is also facing this conundrum and facing it well. In her own right she realized that each and every year you could write a list of things you need to do, should do, should at least start, or at least start thinking about… or you could write a list of things you already have. So, alright 35, let’s do this, like she is doing 34 in style.

“Being a grown-up is hard. Like, all my passwords have to have at least eight characters and uppercase letters now. I don’t think a ton of people are trying to break into my account just to pay my gas bill.  We should be able to have easier passwords.” – Kate, Garfunkel & Oates

The Ginga Ninja

Fears on my Pillow

Standard

11939673_508650149289788_540609435_nThere’s a lot of fear in letting yourself go. Well, in whatever. Go headfirst into a school, country, career and most importantly love. You know, it’s easy to fall in love, not as easy to stay in it. So, let’s hope you break your ankle, because then you can’t get up (get it – because you have fallen? Hardy har har)

Anytime you find yourself in a meaningful relationship, you realize how quickly you dissolve into the other person. You have to start to give up your alone time, plans with friends and family and make the hard choices of where to be on the weekend, when to push for equal rights, when to back off for individualism. How to handle the I’m sorries as easily as the I love you’s and how to vehementaly watch the back of another, while still trying to watch your own. It’s a precious little balancing act, some that only few get right, and sometimes only right for awhile.

Maybe even harder is when you do think you have it all together, that right person, that ying to your yang, that white picket fence, is the eventual evolution of giving up your things, your space, your identity, yourself. Everybody says you won’t, and you can’t even be fully with somebody unless you know your boundaries, but you do, there is no ifs ands or buts around it, and if you want a future, you begin to let go of the past. And this my friend, is probably the scariest feeling of all. Letting yourself go, in trust, in faith, in paperwork, in finances, in asylums to another – it’s easy to second guess and it’s extremely easy to falter, but eventually you need to move forward.

Before long you dissolve into the relationship. First you give up your place, then you give up your taste. Compromising on furniture, clothes, where you eat and then one day you are just an appendage to someone else – no thoughts or no life of your own. I feel like without a space that’s just mine, I’ll disappear. – Larissa, the Carrie Diaries

The Ginga Ninja

Are you Lonesome Tonight?

Standard

download (4)

It’s funny how much our confidence and independence can vary on a daily basis, hell an hourly even. When you have learned all you can from your job, your boss is on your back and you stare into the abyss of your duldrums, you think you can do better, go farther, do more and start to not give a rat’s ass who sees you take long lunches or wear flip-flops in the office. But, take that same employee with a watchful boss, a reprimand, an uncertain raise, an unapproved vacation, on a contract with no certainty of full-time and there you have a bumbling little worry-wart who imagines day in and day out what job security and a paid vacation could be.

Years into a relationship, ring on your finger, child at your hip, up to your eyeballs in dog shit and pool repairs, sounds like it’s time to take your partner for granted, sounds like it’s time to wonder if the grass is greener, if you sold out too early, if you could have done better. I mean, afterall, this is your life and you gave it all up. What do you want, who would you do, where would you go, hell, what movie would you watch if you were alone? And yet, that very same person can be a little ball of angst when somebody loses their phone for the night and goes missing in action. The moment you don’t have control and there is too much silence, too much unknown, too much fear – that secure individual who don’t take no shit becomes a scared little girl. The world becomes a scary place the moment we stop controlling it.

Do you ever feel invincible one moment and worthless the next? – The Experimenter

It’s crazy how a step out of line, a pawn out of place, a question mark in a row of periods can throlonely_red_shoes_by_coffee_and_donutsw off our game. What kind of crazy thoughts and unsettled behaviours erupt. We can’t wait for a night away from real life and once you have it, you remember just how lonely alone can be.

“…. I tried to live alone, but lonely is so lonely, alone. So human as I am, I had to give up my defences. So I smiled and tried to mean it, to let myself go. Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart. Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in.” – Mika, Any other world

The Ginga Ninja

Do you have a type?

Standard

92aa65d3dcf2d56f04095a68641c0ac2I’ve heard over and over again that I most definitely have a type. I think they look different, act different, talk different and interests vary, but from an outsiders point of view I have a very specific type. Brunette, 5’10 – 6’1, generally somewhat athletic, somewhat musical and open to new things. The problem with this little makeup is that everybody around me sees the same guy over and over, yet I can tell you exactly how they differ down to their neer-be-mentioneds.

Some are stronger communicators. Some are handier. Some are estranged from their families. Some are mamma’s boys. Some have daddy issues. Some have depression. Some have god complexes. Some are happy all the time. Some like biographies. Some like video games. Some excel at volleyball. Some dig baseball. Some like reggae, whereas others like hardcore rap, hell, one only knows songs because they are punk covers. None read enough, most mope about the things they don’t have, and all like to drink. So, you see, I see many different guys and even though I keep tweaking that recipe over and over, I just haven’t perfected it.

I never expected this whole dating in your 30’s, deciphering texts, reading between the lines, juggling competition to Royalportable_redbe my life. This can’t be my life, it’s a funny storyline in a hilarious television show, but sadly, it isn’t, it’s actually my life. And hers, and his, and a million other friends I have. We just don’t seem to have the ability to land those keepers that actually make sense. But, I guess I’ll keep trialling out new contestants, because what other choice do I have? Well, I guess, trialling out cats.

A funny scene in a show I recently discovered pointed out how there was something remarkably wrong about every person that this girl ever dated and I can’t help but feel like there is some truth in it. The differences, rights and wrongs I find are in the people I actually date, this does not even fringe upon the people I have talked to or entertained a “meet with”. There are many kinds of people out there, but more importantly there are many kinds of the wrong people out there. The key is to never settle and find the one kind of wrong that’s right for you. I think somebody must have changed my lock.

What’s this guy’s problem? The last one was Racist Dave, before him was Ambiguous Andrew and Micropenis Paul. Ya, it’s a war out there! So, what’s this guy’s deal, does he smell like a cat, does he have a cat, is he a cat?                                                                                                                                                                                        – Frankie & Grace

Now if only we could find out what they all say about me….

The Ginga Ninja

This is my Journey, This is My Song…

Standard

accept-brown-cry-feelings-red-Favim.com-229253Every now and again amongst all the family functions, friends, social media updates, weather changes, mundane cleaning, laundry, garbage and the inevitable mandatories of life…somewhere in all of that is me. I know that I am not the most important, or correction even an important person in the scheme of the world, but I’m me and I’m all I got. All these feelings, emotions, up days, down days, flirtations, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of pride…they seem to have nowhere to go. There are days where I know my trials, inner workings, needs and wants are no more important than anybody else’s and really my story is not one that the world needs to know to be a better place.

Yet, I have….feelings. Feelings about being happy in the moment, sadness at times, uneasiness, uncertainty, confusion…and I constantly try to shut these down. I try to bury all the bad and decide they are simply moments and they don’t make my overall, but I think, as human as we are, we need to relish in them too. Sure, I’m not that special, but do I have the right to confusion or controversy, the right to wallow in self-pity or get pissed off because I don’t understand an outcome? Sure do. Maybe I feel things a little too deep or think things a little too much, but that’s just me. Maybe I try to predict the outcome long before the tale has been told and maybe I need to organize things into rational boxes in order to stay a rational person, but reality is, right or wrong I’m not you and you aren’t me. And emotions aren’t rational.

As I get older I have learned that acceptance of your good and bad traits is necessary for survival. Nobody is perfect 17602003-Sympathy-Word-Cloud-Concept-in-Red-Caps-with-great-terms-such-as-sorrow-feelings-loss-support-prayer-Stock-Photoand the more we strive to be so, the more we let everyone (including ourselves) down. And here’s the scary truth, we aren’t letting anybody down. This is a common misconception placed on us as kids – be good, be helpful, be honest, be hardworking, be all you can be…but really, be who you can live with. And more importantly, realize that you will have good days and bad. Moments where you write to clear your head, moments where you sing to clear your lungs and moments where you cry to clear your soul.

A new favourite song of mine is “The Long Haul” by Sean Rowe. It honestly brings me to tears everytime I hear it. At first I felt a bit of shame in my unleashed emotions, but now I think I’m starting to think it’s gonna be okay. If you have a song, a movie, a person or a memory that can bring you to your knees – go ahead and kneel down, what’s a scrape or two if it makes you stronger?

And I never hit the Spring so hard
A new born song on an old guitar
And I know what it means to be alive

You drive me crazy in all kinds of ways
Love kicked my head and took down my name
Oh, what happened?

I feel so light and I move like a bird
Hard as a rose sharp as a word
Oh, I’m happy

When I die
Where I go I don’t know
Through the sky maybe down low
Whichever is for real

Ginga Ninja

One Step Forward

Standard

87ef4bb5285651aac583cf360568816fThe other day I was feeling intense panic. Panic, anxiousness, nervousness, stress…whatever word you want to put to it, but the reality is that I was prepping for a big weekend of hosting and starting to run out of hours in the day. The need to go to the pet store, liquor store, grocery store and Asian veggie vendor was suddenly intensely, ridiculously, unnecessarily necessary and the seconds were ticking down on that old mental clock of mine.

The thing is, I realized that a lot of this was pressure I put on myself. When family visits does your place need to be perfect? And by whose standards is perfect measured?

This little scaredy-cat approach was handed to me by my social anxiety momma. Her heart is in the right place, but maybe not always her head. The need to do every little last thing humanly possible before guests arrive seems to be one that I was inherently taught and inherently think is a real thing.  Truly, they are there for you, not your food, not your clean sheets, not your vacuumed rug or newly trimmed cat. It’s nice to be cleanly, but it’s cleaner to be nice…at least for your brain. (Sure, let’s pretend that one was witty).

I decided in that moment, the intensely asthmatic moment… as I was getting into my car after my final errand, knowing that I may leave myself short on time and scrambling amuck… that I was going to take a step back, lock the car, cross the street and go to a yard sale. A plain, simple, off-the-beaten-path yard sale was enough to bring me back to my youth, to a simpler time, a time where I bought things used, bought them cheap, relished in haggling off 50 cents and simply enjoyed the moment, the weather and the promise of the future. While there, I met a la75489809dy who realized I was having an off day and what she said to me was “one step forward” little girl. There are no steps back.

That’s an interesting take on things. Maybe it isn’t two steps forward and one back, just smaller steps forward. What if there were no such thing as steps back? Would it change your outlook on the world? Either way, it sent me away with a sweet little message, a reassurance that nobody is alone, that we keep trying and no matter what, you need to keep walking ahead…no matter how detoured, shaky or limping that walk may be….

The Ginga Ninja