Tag Archives: Relationship

Fears on my Pillow

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11939673_508650149289788_540609435_nThere’s a lot of fear in letting yourself go. Well, in whatever. Go headfirst into a school, country, career and most importantly love. You know, it’s easy to fall in love, not as easy to stay in it. So, let’s hope you break your ankle, because then you can’t get up (get it – because you have fallen? Hardy har har)

Anytime you find yourself in a meaningful relationship, you realize how quickly you dissolve into the other person. You have to start to give up your alone time, plans with friends and family and make the hard choices of where to be on the weekend, when to push for equal rights, when to back off for individualism. How to handle the I’m sorries as easily as the I love you’s and how to vehementaly watch the back of another, while still trying to watch your own. It’s a precious little balancing act, some that only few get right, and sometimes only right for awhile.

Maybe even harder is when you do think you have it all together, that right person, that ying to your yang, that white picket fence, is the eventual evolution of giving up your things, your space, your identity, yourself. Everybody says you won’t, and you can’t even be fully with somebody unless you know your boundaries, but you do, there is no ifs ands or buts around it, and if you want a future, you begin to let go of the past. And this my friend, is probably the scariest feeling of all. Letting yourself go, in trust, in faith, in paperwork, in finances, in asylums to another – it’s easy to second guess and it’s extremely easy to falter, but eventually you need to move forward.

Before long you dissolve into the relationship. First you give up your place, then you give up your taste. Compromising on furniture, clothes, where you eat and then one day you are just an appendage to someone else – no thoughts or no life of your own. I feel like without a space that’s just mine, I’ll disappear. – Larissa, the Carrie Diaries

The Ginga Ninja

Are you Lonesome Tonight?

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It’s funny how much our confidence and independence can vary on a daily basis, hell an hourly even. When you have learned all you can from your job, your boss is on your back and you stare into the abyss of your duldrums, you think you can do better, go farther, do more and start to not give a rat’s ass who sees you take long lunches or wear flip-flops in the office. But, take that same employee with a watchful boss, a reprimand, an uncertain raise, an unapproved vacation, on a contract with no certainty of full-time and there you have a bumbling little worry-wart who imagines day in and day out what job security and a paid vacation could be.

Years into a relationship, ring on your finger, child at your hip, up to your eyeballs in dog shit and pool repairs, sounds like it’s time to take your partner for granted, sounds like it’s time to wonder if the grass is greener, if you sold out too early, if you could have done better. I mean, afterall, this is your life and you gave it all up. What do you want, who would you do, where would you go, hell, what movie would you watch if you were alone? And yet, that very same person can be a little ball of angst when somebody loses their phone for the night and goes missing in action. The moment you don’t have control and there is too much silence, too much unknown, too much fear – that secure individual who don’t take no shit becomes a scared little girl. The world becomes a scary place the moment we stop controlling it.

Do you ever feel invincible one moment and worthless the next? – The Experimenter

It’s crazy how a step out of line, a pawn out of place, a question mark in a row of periods can throlonely_red_shoes_by_coffee_and_donutsw off our game. What kind of crazy thoughts and unsettled behaviours erupt. We can’t wait for a night away from real life and once you have it, you remember just how lonely alone can be.

“…. I tried to live alone, but lonely is so lonely, alone. So human as I am, I had to give up my defences. So I smiled and tried to mean it, to let myself go. Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart. Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in.” – Mika, Any other world

The Ginga Ninja