Tag Archives: perspective

It Feels Like it Ended Before it Even Began

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Pinup Girls, sad redheadHow can you miss something you never really had?  Whether it be a car, a job, a guy, a child, a house…how can you feel a sense of loss over something that was never even yours? It’s funny, I think we surprise ourselves sometimes.  Life is not black and white, so neither are our thoughts, our feelings, or our decisions.

It doesn’t seem to matter how on top of things you are, how many wonderful blessings and people are in your life – the moment something that you thought was almost yours is unattainable…you actually grieve that loss.  It’s silly, how can you grieve something that didn’t exist…or at least didn’t exist to you?

I guess it’s because we build these little goals and visions.  We make decisions in our head and then have to try to attain them in reality.  We envision hopes, dreams, futures and loves, but when reality doesn’t line up with our daydreams…sometimes we can actually feel, well, a bit….sad.  Whenever something ends, there is hopefully a new beginning, but there is also a period where we must learn to let go – not of just what we actually lost, but what we imagined we would gain.  You are learning to let go of those hopes, dreams and visions – in essence, the life you thought you were going to have.

So, my advice is to begin every day as though it’s a new day.  With every new day, try to remind yourself that your life is your new normal, each and every day.  It doesn’t matter what was, or what might’ve been…all that matters is…what IS.

I realize it’s ironic that it’s me giving this message.  But, do as I say, not as I do.

Every day is a new beginning.

The Ginga Ninja

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She’s Positively Positive

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red picklePickles.  Olives.  Garlic.  Panna Cotta.  Cream Cheese Icing.  Wheat Beer.  Red Wine.  Cats.  Music.  Art.   Movies.  Quotes.  Massages.  Long Hair.  Bright Colours.  Talking.  Reading.  Sleeping.  Cooking.

These are all things I like.  And every time I find myself down and out I need to remember all the things I like…all the things that make me ME and all the things I would miss if I weren’t around to enjoy them.

You don’t have to like these things, but there would be another similar and yet unique list for you.  A friend once told me to focus on one good thing that happened each day.  It puts into perspective that through all the hard times and through all the uncertainty…shines through compliments, bright shiny moments and ultimately things that you….like.  So, even if the world doesn’t always like you, there will be parts of the world you like.

So like that wonderful commercial with the curly-haired little blond girl who emits positivity and recites:

I like my dad, I like my cousins.  I like my hair, I like my haircuts.  I like my pajamas.  I like my stuff.  I like my room.  I like my whole house!  My whole house is great.  I can do anything good, better than anyone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kKswLd65Ws

Readers, I like you.

The Ginga Ninja

G is for Glutton, G is for Girl

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How often do you give up on dating?  Me?  About once a month.  Hell, probably about once a day.

I find that trying to find yourself can be a difficult thing if you aren’t used to being alone, however trying to know yourself without anybody else can be difficult too. Well, at least if the best version of you actually comes out when you are in a relationship. Oh the irony. Suddenly you have all the time in the world to be whoever you want to be and you aren’t always sure who that is.

I often find that my best version of me is actually the version of me that has somebody else to focus on.  I am organized, I am put together, I am doting, thoughtful, calm and all my affection and effort goes into somebody else’s life. I am more focused, less needy, more confident and less pensive.  But, what happens when they stop giving their all back?

It becomes a battle of being the best version of you who shines when with a partner, or being a version of you that deserves better. Or possibly even worse, trying to find the version of you that can learn to be alone. Or crazier still, the version of you that can learn to be alone and completely content. We all deserve the right partner back, but when does the benefit of having a partner outweigh the uncertainty of being just plain old you?

So, once a month I rule out boys.  I decide I’m not ready to date, or I don’t want to date, or nobody is good enough to date.  I don’t form real crushes that easily and yet I often go through the motions of dating because it seems like the healthy thing to do. Ya right, if guilt over not messaging people back, pushing off drinks, and checking your email a zillion times a day is healthy then I’ll be damned.  But, maybe the healthy thing to do is forget about men altogether.  Their strong arms…their scruffy beards…their warm embraces…

Who am I kidding?  I will continue to date.  I will continue to try to play it cool as a cucumber, but completely obsess when I believe I am being rejected. And though I will have many days, weeks, even months where I think being without somebody is easier…(and knowing I deserve the fairytale)…I may still secretly hope in my immature little girl way to meet somebody to complement me again.  Not just the better me, but maybe for once the best me.

The Ginga Ninja

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A Year From Now You Will Wish You Had Started Today

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vintage-calendar-1953-april-675x520A year.  How long does it take to decide if you have succeeded or failed?  A year?

Somehow I doubt it.  We like to think that.  We like to look at life and say “Where will I be a year from now”, “Where was I a year ago”?  In fact, my whole life I have handled my dad looking back at vacations and saying “Guess where we were exactly one year ago today?” Hopeful and depressing at the same time I’m afraid.

Is this a good way to look at things, or a bad one?  Or just normal?  I mean, every New Years we look back at the year that has passed and look forward to the year coming.  Entertainment Tonight, Much Music, and a multitude of shows decided to take a look at the Best and Worst of (in this case) 2012.

A lot of people I know have had a long…and strange year.  Me included.  My friend’s mom told me it was because it was the year of the Dragon, or maybe those Mayans had it half-right…the world wasn’t ending, just changing.

Whatever the case, the year has now come and gone.  I am one year older, 3 lbs heavier and in many cases nowhere further. But, I guess that’s all how you look at it, right?

If I want to put it in perspective and instead of saying “still single, still renting, still contract” I can do this instead.  It is time for my accomplishment list of 2012.

I have survived on my own for one year, I have proven I can live, pay rent and bills alone for one year, I have paid down $5k more in debt than one year ago and have been through one exhausting move. I am the proud owner of a vintage piano (unfortunately in storage), am also the proud owner of a guitar (which I can also barely play), I now own a Christmas tree, a vaccum, a new computer and have painted 10 (seriously, TEN) acrylic paintings. I have tried kung fu and tai chi, have visited San Francisco, have met 50 or more people that I did not know a year ago, have tried probably 15 new restaurants, have been to 6 new bars, have another year of work experience under my belt, have started copywriting on the side, have finished a digital album, am one season further in numerous TV shows, have read about 7 more books, have stopped biting my nails and (drumroll please)……have officially been the author of this blog for one year.

So, what can a year bring?  Maybe not six figures, maybe not a mortgage, maybe not a ring, but if you look at it right…maybe a lot more than you ever imagined.

The Ginga Ninja

A Life Less Extraordinary

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Does normal exist anymore?  In fact, did it ever?  I once heard a good quote, “Normal people are just people you don’t know very well yet”.  Once upon a time, the world existed in the mindset that everybody was normal, lived a normal life, wore normal clothes, and only hippies, radicals, and the like stood out from this crowd.  I think nowadays the message to be unique and be yourself has people wondering what that self is.  If we are all trying to find ourselves, and stand out with our unique talents and beliefs…isn’t trying to be unique now the new normal, and trying to be normal, the new stand out?

I come from a family of four kids.  Four very successful and very different kids…but, when young we all strived to have the same goals, same achievements, same wealth, and same standards of life. And now as adults, none of us are living identical lives.  Not all good, not all bad, not all of our choices are the right ones in hindsight, but we are all living within today’s standards of “normal”, which are frankly, well… none.

I had a recent discussion with my brother, where I said, “You know, in the eyes of what is considered traditionally normal, you are the only one of us living that life”.  He has 3 kids, 2 cats and dog, an addition on his house, has been married to the same woman for 10 years, loves golfing, going to cottages, planning vacations, and having backyard barbecues.  In the eyes of what my parents dreamed for us, he is living that dream.  Well, unless you count the Tiki Bar and Jimmy Buffet obsession…

I, on the other hand, have lived another life that though many people envy, has been frought with ups and downs, mainly based on my own fears of perpetually striving to improve, or having false assumptions that I was meant for something more than all those ‘normal’ kids.  That I, of all people, truly was special.  My measures of failure have been unrealistic, and my hopes and dreams have at times been abnormally big.  However, look at my photos, hear my stories, and imagine you are living my life….and you too will think I’ve lived the dream.  At least an interesting version of it.

Though I don’t have regrets (most of the time), I do have a newfound respect and love for my brother and his happiness in the simple things.  As I get older I want to remember life how I did when I was younger. I strive to have quiet nights, joy in the small stuff and an appreciation of the people and things in my life.  Not to mention that I sort of now love who I am more for my failures and epiphanies than my quote-on-quote “successes”.  I’m tired of struggling and striving and trying to be who I thought I should be…and am just excited to be who I am.  Or at a minimum continuing to figure out who that is.  I’m tired of making big plans, and ready to make little ones…because life is marathon, not a sprint my friend.

It’s amazing what ordinary people can do if they set out without preconceived notions. – Ben Stein

The Ginga Ninja

The Rubix Cube that is Me

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It’s amazing how our dynamic can change dependent on who we are with.  Really, we should all be ourselves regardless of who is by our side – but we aren’t. Or are we?  Is being ourselves a matter of always being the same way no matter what, or are you influenced by those around you?

The reason I wonder is because I catch myself changing all the time.  Or at least I think I do.  I’m honestly trying to decide if I’m changing for those around me or what has really changed is exactly that – those around me.

I have some great friends that I feel like a million bucks around.  Charming, funny, put together, but still flawed and human.  In fact, I can tell them almost anything and we can laugh together, cry together, gossip together, and poke fun at each other constantly.  Just the other day I had the most wonderful afternoon with two old friends.

(Okay, self-admittedly I may poke fun at one friend a little too much, and god bless her, she puts up with it because the things she says are nothing short of hilarious without ever meaning to be), but this is my public admission and apology to her. I love you just the way you are, even if just by repeating the things that come out of your mouth provides endless hours of entertainment. You know who you are, Ms. Baby Duck Feathers and how I love you so. But getting off topic...that version of myself, the courageous, funny and self-assured-to-the-point-of-teasing-others girl isn’t always there.

Sometimes, I am a self-deprecating, sitcom-life comedian who has people in stitches, other times I am an oh-so-wise confidant, others still a Debbie Downer, a motivational speaker, a combative drill sergeant, an insecure little girl, a blubbery and worried mess, a Buddha Zen Master and then there are even those people who get me scared, silent and cowering in a corner about what other below-the-belt thing they are going to say or do next.

How can there be people who make you feel oh so good about who you are and others who encourage you to throw in the towel on life?  Better yet, how can there be so many versions of me….

I guess I’m not the only one out there who has more than 1 side, as so eloquently put by the poet Ayumi http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/misc/poems.php?id=1115131, and if you believe in the power of Google there is a whole whackload of people out there wondering the same thing (or at least bored and commenting on) http://answerology.seventeen.com/index.aspx/question/515812_Does-your-personality-change-for-different-people.html, but I still can’t help but wonder…

Is it me with all the sides, or just the reflections of those around me?

I was a personality before I became a person – I am simple, complex, generous, selfish, unattractive, beautiful, lazy and driven. – Barbra Streisand

The Ginga Ninja

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Sick of Being Tired and Tired of Being Sick

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I am currently sick, sick as a dog so they say.  I’m pretty sure Charles Darwin is laughing right about now in his little monkey-filled hell over this tiny theory he liked to call “evolution”.  Well, us gingers know what survival of the fittest means…trust me, we get it. We get sicker, we get crazier, and we are going straight up – extinct.

http://www.news.com.au/top-stories/gingers-extinct-in-100-years-say-scientists/story-e6frfkp9-1111114243424

Either way, I am currently laying in bed with a heated wheatbag on one side, soup on the other, a mountain of Kleenex (the real name brand kind), a scented candle, and my trusty TV remote….oh….and computer.  Let’s not forget the hallowed computer. This month has rocked my world, and more particularly my body.  Maybe it’s a reminder I’m not invincible….maybe it’s a reminder that I’m genetically deficient, or maybe it’s the universe giving me what I sort of wanted in a sick and twisted way.  I did want to lose a little weight…

Anyways, if you have ever witnessed a dog getting sick, I guess that’s where the saying came from.  Apparently it was first cited in 1705 and the theory is that the dog, being closest to humans was the animal most often witnessed getting sick.  I guess the author didn’t own a long-haired cat.

If I had to rewrite history and overrule the saying, I guess I would go with sick as a hungover sorority girl, or better yet, sick as a ginger.

It’s no longer a question of staying healthy, it’s a question of finding an illness you like. – Jackie Mason

The Ginga Ninja

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