Tag Archives: fear

James Van Der Badass


What happens when you finally show the bad version of yourself to others?  Do they accept you, do they cherish you, do they support you?  Or do they raise your biggest fear as their new fear.  Your new worry becomes their worry that you worry.

Life can be complicated. You are told to be yourself and then yourself isn’t good enough either.  So, if you can’t please others and you can’t please yourself, is the new motto “Fuck em”?james-van-der-beek-profile

So, like James VanderBeek playing himself on The B in Apartment 23 (as previously having played Dawson Leary on Dawson’s Creek) says, “I don’t need those guys.  It wasn’t Pacey, Jenn and Joey’s Creek!”

That’s right James.  It was Dawon’s Creek. You tell em.

The Ginga Ninja

A Roach a Day Keeps The Fear Away


Time for a strange topic…COCKROACHES.  I like to joke about them a lot, maybe because I’m a bit of a closet Buddhist…in no way considered serious, but I do love those monks rocking their ginger robes and frankly, I do think karma is real.  Maybe not in the complete sense that you may be reincarnated as a worm, but in the straight and true facts that people will treat you how you treat them.

Cockroaches are horrendous little things.  My last 4 months in my old apartment I had a bit of an infestation in my kitchen.  They were disgusting.  They varied in size.  When there was one, there were usually many.  And MAN let me tell you, they were a bitch to kill.  I definitely understand why they survive nuclear disasters.

So when I temporarily moved from that apartment and back to my parents house…shortly before making a momentous life decision and moving literally halfway across the world… I saw one.  Only one.

(One Cockroach!  Muah, ha, ha, ha, ha.  Sorry, a little callout to you Sesame Street lovers out there).

Either way, the very first night I moved there, in the middle of the night…I saw a cockroach?!  Why were they following me and what did it mean?  Anyways, I found this very strange…my parents had never seen cockroaches in their house…there seemed to be no others…and in the remaining 7 weeks I was there nobody saw any, nor to this day have they seen even one measly little cockroach.  This got me thinking about what it meant.  It had to mean something, right? Otherwise what was the point?

My dad insists it must have hitched its way into the house via my belongings, but I like to think it was deeper than that.  That packed box he names as the culprit sat 2 weeks in another apartment, had been in my car and was immediately moved unopened to a third storey closet.  This badass motherfucker cockroach was in the kitchen.  He was big, he was obvious, it was the middle of the night and he was only for me.

As it turns out, seeing cockroaches may not always be bad.  They can be a sign of strength, tenacity, and can symbolize the need for renewal.  They are a spokesmodel for survival and tell you that no matter what life throws at you, you can survive. http://sherryandrea.com/the-cockroach-animal-totem/

I can say, that was very true for the adventure I was about to take and even more true for the very different one that began after I got back.

Now, even if this was a complete and utter act of circumstance, I have a secret.  One I never told anybody.  My very first night back at my parents house after returning from fourteen months overseas, what did I see?  One, single, lonely cockroach scurry in front of me never to be seen again.

So, it’s been a big year.  A very big year.  And many people in my life are going through massive changes and extreme challenges.  Two nights ago, while talking through the stresses of life and all that has happened with a friend…(a friend that I was busy convincing it will all be okay in the end)…..a single cockroach ran across the floor.  Four months here and I did not see one until the middle of this conversation where we believed we needed to keep our chins up, eyes open and be strong.

Coincidence?  I think not.  I now believe those little buggers pop up when I need them most to send me a reminder.  I can survive.

The Ginga Ninja