Category Archives: Life

Feeling left behind

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It’s a feeling I’ve had on and off over the years. As have you, and him, and her. And probably my brother, and mom, maybe one of my good friends. Hell, maybe all of them. But, it’s not something openly discussed. Mental health and sexuality are now diagnosed, talked about, named and acknowledged, but feeling “less than” is something still in the closet, lurking behind closed doors, a Voldemort yet to be named.

Well, I’m sure we’ve all felt it. But, what do you do when you feel like others have moved on. And not always in a good way or bad way, but just in a different way? I’ve seen people move out of the city, buy houses, get married, have kids and in all orders imaginable and irreversible. Now, I’m not saying that everything works out for the best, some of those people move back or never even made it out in the first place, some are divorced, some lose their job, some lose their will, but what happens when you feel like you are standing still. I’ve got my cat, my plants, my goals to lose weight, but nothing else is on the horizon. Life just….is.

The funny thing is that is how I always wanted life to be. I didn’t want a neverending to do list of benchmarks and milestones, I just wanted to be okay in the everyday, in the mundane and in the now. And for the most part I am…but get a little case of the “wait for meeees” when my Instagram is littered with new dogs and babies, strollers and renos, wedding rings and honeymoons. There is nothing wrong with my life, but I feel a little left behind, not invited to the old gatherings, not cool enough for the new mom’s cool kids group, too old to party, too young to afternoon tea.

What to do? Do I wallow in my self-pity and think about all the friends I used to spend time with, do I fast-track my life plan to fit into my peers, do I think about all the times I tried to lead that pack with trips and adventures, new cities, new risks, new dates and new friends? I guess none of the above, because no amount of thinking, wishing, envying, or worrying is going to change the outcome. Tomorrow is what it will be and their plans are theirs, not mine. I can only hope that the world I fit into is the world that doesn’t forget to let me fit in. And the world that does forget, well I guess it’s not my world anymore.

“Normality is a paved road. It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it.” – Vincent Van Gogh

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If you are happy and you know it, just sit down

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Happiness.

What is happiness?

Happiness is a term that is now all-too-well-known by those trying to adult. Emphasis on (trying) and emphasis on the term is too-well-known, not necessarily the feeling. And to that point, when did happiness become the ever-elusive goal of life?

Today a friend said “…well, as long as you are happy”. I mean, bless her, I’m glad she wants good things for me, but happiness was never, nor could ever be a constant. It is not a way of life, it is a feeling, an emotion. With happiness comes sadness, anger, remorse, guilt, regret, annoyance, acceptance and a whole slew of feelings and angsty moments and elated adjectives. But, nobody says, “…well, as long as you are angry”, or “…at least you are annoyed”. These are not feelings that are celebrated, these are feelings that are pushed down, to be avoided, to be ignored, to be banished into the pit of feelings that should not be named.

But, here’s a secret folks, all of these feelings exist. They are all necessary, they are all needed and they are all unavoidable.

But, since when did happiness become what we lived for? What happened to family, friends, kids, pets, responsibility, fairness, justice….what happened to a good old reliable sense of obligation?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying to stay in anything where you are (dare I say it), unhappy. Or to better expand on it, confused, lost, scared, indifferent, depressed or resentful. But, I am saying there are gonna be some not-so-good times. Some might be iffy, some might be only okay, some may be just alright and only at a certain hour, or only on a certain day. I don’t think the key to happiness is happiness, I think the key to happiness is being happy with being content.

So, as long as you are content, I’ll be happy.happy

The Ginga Ninja

 

The Curse of the Dreamer

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Take a deep breath and don’t panic my girl
There is little to control in this crazy old world
You think and you plan and envision all day
You make up scenarios where it does go your way
(What is your way?)
(What would you say?)                                                                                                                                                     What could truly ever make it your day?                                                                                                                                   If you could even get it, what would it be
Would it be freedom, stability, kids or just we
Do you want a house, a pool, a dog and a cat
Or maybe a jet, a whiskey and designer brimmed hat
What really matters, money and cars
Or loved ones, liked ones and those far away stars
Is there a right and a wrong to your entire life
A definitive moment, pure man and wife
Do your actions always determine your end                                                                                                                             Or in your own story, can you be villain and friend                                                                                                               Inherently evil, deliriously mad, endearingly simple, to the bone just plain bad
Are these all just faces, all feelings we show
What’s the real outcome, what’s the real low
Everybody can say it, anybody can think                                                                                                                                   I should be writing my plan on the edge of this brink
(But what if I sink?)
(What if I blink?)
What if I yawn and my breath, it might stink?
So you dreamers go lie awake late at night
Try not to think, try not to fright
Life it is scary, life it is hard
It can also be wondrous if you play the right card
The deck it is big and so hard to predict                                                                   There are times you’re winning and times kid, you’re licked
But try as you might to stay out of your mind                                                           Try your best to be honest, your best to be kind                                                       Know you will fail and that it’s okay                                                                           Just try to remember, start again the next day
Because sometimes you fall and sometimes you win                                       That’s the game of life and it wears you quite thin
It plays with your mind and tricks your own head                                           Where maybe some days you won’t leave your own bed
But keep on believing and doubting and breathing                                                                                                       Because when it’s all over, we are all still just leaving.

 

The Ginga Ninja

Just goes to show, you never can tell.

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You never can tell.

There are times I feel like a crazy person. Times I feel ostracized, outed, unsure, uncertain and just straight up envious of others. And you know what, I have wondered, do you think anybody ever feels jealous of me?

I guess I believed that as a kid they might. They just might. Over sports…or my house…certainly not my parents’ parenting or my ginger looks. And I guess I believed they just might when I picked up and moved across the world, littering Facebook with my uber amazing couply travel photos. And I guess I believed it when my beotchy coworker said “Sorry I’m not as perfect as you” immediately after she was reprimanded. And I guess I believed it when I accidentally lost a bunch of weight and suddenly looked good in a bikini and could rock a small.

But, those are all one-offs right? That coworker actually ended up crazy wealthy and on TV. Those sports skills? Well, they created these multi-surgeried, excessively scarred 70 year old knees. And those looks? Well, I’m still a ginger. And that weight? Well, I gained it back…and then some.

So, why would anybody envy me, lil old me, right?

Wrong. That perfect-post, quick to commit, new dog, skinny bod, wildest dreams come true girl you envy? Well, for reasons you may not know, for reasons you would never know from the shiny, bright, outside Instagram perspective…they envy you. They envy your nature, your honesty, your jokes, your ability to understand, they envy what you’ve learned, or the love they think you have. But, who knew?

And there is life summed up as a girl. We all want to believe somebody else’s life is better, purer, prettier, surer than ours. Nobody feels how we feel, nobody doubts how we doubt, nobody envies how we envy, nobody cries how we cry. But, here’s a secret…they do.

“If we knew each other’s secrets, what comforts we should find.”  – John Churton Collins

The Ginga Ninja

Did I spell rong wrong?

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I’ve been trying to put my finger on what exactly has been wrong lately, and somehow…I can’t.red-quote

There is no big bad wolf knocking at my door, no financial crisis lurking around the corner, no extreme loneliness, no terrible boss, no family drama, no pet crisis, no major health scares. Things are more together than they have been in a really long time…and once in awhile, one in a blue moon, I think THAT is the problem.

I’ve been fighting my demons as I age. They say your 30’s are actually the greatest decade, and truthfully I believe it. I’ve been navigating my way through the unknown and learning to give the finger to more of what doesn’t work in my world. The thing is, the more I give the finger to things and the deeper I root myself into my little world…the further I drift away from all those someday dreams I used to have. Someday wedding, someday house, someday trip, someday career…

As I get older and make rash decisions my chances for somedays get smaller. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wanted to live in this world. The present, the real, the everyday…and most days it’s a great world to live in. Understand and appreciate what you do have, just don’t think about the rest…but every once in awhile…every once in panic-inducing while…something feels wrong.

I have always struggled with the thought that something feeling wrong meant something in your life was actually…wrong. I didn’t understand that as a human I would have good days and bad, secure and insecure moments and would feel “that” feeling in the pit of my stomach, pushing up against my lungs…for many reasons other than actual hardship.

A big meeting, a hard test, a first kiss…these can all create those feelings. So, lately…when they creep up…I need to fight the urge to assume something is actually out of place in my world and needs fixing. I need to accept the fact that it’s okay to feel bad when you send a cat to the shelter or let a new crush down. It’s okay to feel bad when you can’t afford your vacation or you get dis-invited to a cottage because they over counted. It’s okay to feel bad. Hell, it’s okay to feel.

So, as I struggle to figure out what exactly is wrong…I think the answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong, other than my inability to feel bad without feeling wrong. And frankly, that in itself is what is wrong.

Life is Messy.  It Kicks you in the Ass. That’s right, I said Ass.  But, it does, it kicks you in the ass.  And the messy parts are the best parts. – Jess, New Girl

The Ginga Ninja

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Coming up Thistles

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red-roses-1410101You know that old saying everything’s coming up roses – well, what happens when everything is coming up, well, not roses? Is it lemons? Is it worms?  Ticks? Nightmares? Daffodils? Toilet Seat Covers??? We definitely have that cliche saying about “when life hands you lemons…” on second thought, how come everything is related to flora? Like what about garbage, water, clouds…when life hands you clouds…sounds catchy – no?

Either way, that old cliché  about roses doesn’t even make sense because roses have thorns. So, maybe whoever thought about that was really thinking…when everything is coming up with the beautiful wonderfulness that can be life, but there is still a thorny little thing to avoid buried underneath…well, that is really life now isn’t it? So, maybe when everything is coming up thistles there is some weird flowerly goodness or beautiful scent just lingering nearby.

I can tell you that my day started out great and very quickly, well, everything started coming up thistles (it’s my new saying and I’m sticking to it). Just one hiccup after the other – one drama, conundrum, temporarily unsolvable problem, letdown, stress inducer and this poor little mind can only handle so many. But, I know, just like I knew yesterday, just like I’ll know tomorrow…I just have to get through the day. Tomorrow starts anew yet again. In the show, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt she says you can survive anything for 10 seconds. So, even in a lengthier bad moment, she just starts over when she reaches 10. Count to ten, begin again.

So, thistles, thorns, fruit, or flowers, well today is today. I gotta just get through head held as high as I can keep it  (without losing it on any poor soul) and be sure to remember that today isn’t tomorrow and tomorrow isn’t yesterday and so on and so forth, motivational blah, blah, blah.

Just checking to see if you are still paying attention. But, seriously, you can weather any storm, there’s always tomorrow, today is the first day of the rest of your life, without the rain there is no rainbow..really, the ending is up to you.

The Ginga Ninja

35 Reasons to Give up…or Give in…and Dance.

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Something is bothering me, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Whether the weather (hehe), the fact I still haven’t lost those 10 lbs, my fear over letting myself go in love and trust, or maybe plain and simply that I’m turning 35 is the culprit. There, I said it, an actuality that never seemed possible is happening – I can no longer pretend to be a child, or tell myself I have more time to figure it all out…for quite a while now, but particularly in the next 5 days – my need to be the person I’m supposed to be is now. Asthma, panic, wandering mind…you name it, but whatever has set in is settling in and nothing aside from exercise, hot baths, tears, or maybe some xanax could fix it.

This all sounds a little drastic, 35 is the new 25 and you are only as old as you feel…yada yadagettingold yada…it’s not really that old, when I was your age…you name your cliche. And until right this moment I didn’t think it was a problem. Then again, the end of the summer always causes my little Virgo brain to wander and worry. Cold nights, overcast days, a +1 to that age and even snowflakes are coming. Hell, with how I’m describing it, one would think I’m in Winterfell (Game of Thrones reference for those non-nerds out there).

But so on, and so forth this is life. This is all that is life. And this is a feeling I haven’t had in awhile. One I don’t like, one I don’t need, but maybe one that needs to happen to constantly grow. So, I’ll take a swig of beer, apartment dance my face off and remember, well, I’ll probably feel just like this one year from now. And a friend of mine, well, she is also facing this conundrum and facing it well. In her own right she realized that each and every year you could write a list of things you need to do, should do, should at least start, or at least start thinking about… or you could write a list of things you already have. So, alright 35, let’s do this, like she is doing 34 in style.

“Being a grown-up is hard. Like, all my passwords have to have at least eight characters and uppercase letters now. I don’t think a ton of people are trying to break into my account just to pay my gas bill.  We should be able to have easier passwords.” – Kate, Garfunkel & Oates

The Ginga Ninja