Category Archives: Fear

The Curse of the Dreamer

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Take a deep breath and don’t panic my girl
There is little to control in this crazy old world
You think and you plan and envision all day
You make up scenarios where it does go your way
(What is your way?)
(What would you say?)                                                                                                                                                     What could truly ever make it your day?                                                                                                                                   If you could even get it, what would it be
Would it be freedom, stability, kids or just we
Do you want a house, a pool, a dog and a cat
Or maybe a jet, a whiskey and designer brimmed hat
What really matters, money and cars
Or loved ones, liked ones and those far away stars
Is there a right and a wrong to your entire life
A definitive moment, pure man and wife
Do your actions always determine your end                                                                                                                             Or in your own story, can you be villain and friend                                                                                                               Inherently evil, deliriously mad, endearingly simple, to the bone just plain bad
Are these all just faces, all feelings we show
What’s the real outcome, what’s the real low
Everybody can say it, anybody can think                                                                                                                                   I should be writing my plan on the edge of this brink
(But what if I sink?)
(What if I blink?)
What if I yawn and my breath, it might stink?
So you dreamers go lie awake late at night
Try not to think, try not to fright
Life it is scary, life it is hard
It can also be wondrous if you play the right card
The deck it is big and so hard to predict                                                                   There are times you’re winning and times kid, you’re licked
But try as you might to stay out of your mind                                                           Try your best to be honest, your best to be kind                                                       Know you will fail and that it’s okay                                                                           Just try to remember, start again the next day
Because sometimes you fall and sometimes you win                                       That’s the game of life and it wears you quite thin
It plays with your mind and tricks your own head                                           Where maybe some days you won’t leave your own bed
But keep on believing and doubting and breathing                                                                                                       Because when it’s all over, we are all still just leaving.

 

The Ginga Ninja

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Coming up Thistles

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red-roses-1410101You know that old saying everything’s coming up roses – well, what happens when everything is coming up, well, not roses? Is it lemons? Is it worms?  Ticks? Nightmares? Daffodils? Toilet Seat Covers??? We definitely have that cliche saying about “when life hands you lemons…” on second thought, how come everything is related to flora? Like what about garbage, water, clouds…when life hands you clouds…sounds catchy – no?

Either way, that old cliché  about roses doesn’t even make sense because roses have thorns. So, maybe whoever thought about that was really thinking…when everything is coming up with the beautiful wonderfulness that can be life, but there is still a thorny little thing to avoid buried underneath…well, that is really life now isn’t it? So, maybe when everything is coming up thistles there is some weird flowerly goodness or beautiful scent just lingering nearby.

I can tell you that my day started out great and very quickly, well, everything started coming up thistles (it’s my new saying and I’m sticking to it). Just one hiccup after the other – one drama, conundrum, temporarily unsolvable problem, letdown, stress inducer and this poor little mind can only handle so many. But, I know, just like I knew yesterday, just like I’ll know tomorrow…I just have to get through the day. Tomorrow starts anew yet again. In the show, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt she says you can survive anything for 10 seconds. So, even in a lengthier bad moment, she just starts over when she reaches 10. Count to ten, begin again.

So, thistles, thorns, fruit, or flowers, well today is today. I gotta just get through head held as high as I can keep it  (without losing it on any poor soul) and be sure to remember that today isn’t tomorrow and tomorrow isn’t yesterday and so on and so forth, motivational blah, blah, blah.

Just checking to see if you are still paying attention. But, seriously, you can weather any storm, there’s always tomorrow, today is the first day of the rest of your life, without the rain there is no rainbow..really, the ending is up to you.

The Ginga Ninja

35 Reasons to Give up…or Give in…and Dance.

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Something is bothering me, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Whether the weather (hehe), the fact I still haven’t lost those 10 lbs, my fear over letting myself go in love and trust, or maybe plain and simply that I’m turning 35 is the culprit. There, I said it, an actuality that never seemed possible is happening – I can no longer pretend to be a child, or tell myself I have more time to figure it all out…for quite a while now, but particularly in the next 5 days – my need to be the person I’m supposed to be is now. Asthma, panic, wandering mind…you name it, but whatever has set in is settling in and nothing aside from exercise, hot baths, tears, or maybe some xanax could fix it.

This all sounds a little drastic, 35 is the new 25 and you are only as old as you feel…yada yadagettingold yada…it’s not really that old, when I was your age…you name your cliche. And until right this moment I didn’t think it was a problem. Then again, the end of the summer always causes my little Virgo brain to wander and worry. Cold nights, overcast days, a +1 to that age and even snowflakes are coming. Hell, with how I’m describing it, one would think I’m in Winterfell (Game of Thrones reference for those non-nerds out there).

But so on, and so forth this is life. This is all that is life. And this is a feeling I haven’t had in awhile. One I don’t like, one I don’t need, but maybe one that needs to happen to constantly grow. So, I’ll take a swig of beer, apartment dance my face off and remember, well, I’ll probably feel just like this one year from now. And a friend of mine, well, she is also facing this conundrum and facing it well. In her own right she realized that each and every year you could write a list of things you need to do, should do, should at least start, or at least start thinking about… or you could write a list of things you already have. So, alright 35, let’s do this, like she is doing 34 in style.

“Being a grown-up is hard. Like, all my passwords have to have at least eight characters and uppercase letters now. I don’t think a ton of people are trying to break into my account just to pay my gas bill.  We should be able to have easier passwords.” – Kate, Garfunkel & Oates

The Ginga Ninja

Fears on my Pillow

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11939673_508650149289788_540609435_nThere’s a lot of fear in letting yourself go. Well, in whatever. Go headfirst into a school, country, career and most importantly love. You know, it’s easy to fall in love, not as easy to stay in it. So, let’s hope you break your ankle, because then you can’t get up (get it – because you have fallen? Hardy har har)

Anytime you find yourself in a meaningful relationship, you realize how quickly you dissolve into the other person. You have to start to give up your alone time, plans with friends and family and make the hard choices of where to be on the weekend, when to push for equal rights, when to back off for individualism. How to handle the I’m sorries as easily as the I love you’s and how to vehementaly watch the back of another, while still trying to watch your own. It’s a precious little balancing act, some that only few get right, and sometimes only right for awhile.

Maybe even harder is when you do think you have it all together, that right person, that ying to your yang, that white picket fence, is the eventual evolution of giving up your things, your space, your identity, yourself. Everybody says you won’t, and you can’t even be fully with somebody unless you know your boundaries, but you do, there is no ifs ands or buts around it, and if you want a future, you begin to let go of the past. And this my friend, is probably the scariest feeling of all. Letting yourself go, in trust, in faith, in paperwork, in finances, in asylums to another – it’s easy to second guess and it’s extremely easy to falter, but eventually you need to move forward.

Before long you dissolve into the relationship. First you give up your place, then you give up your taste. Compromising on furniture, clothes, where you eat and then one day you are just an appendage to someone else – no thoughts or no life of your own. I feel like without a space that’s just mine, I’ll disappear. – Larissa, the Carrie Diaries

The Ginga Ninja

There’s no crying in adulthood…no wait, that’s baseball

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blood_red_thunderstorm_by_mystical_designs-d5622onWhen’s the last time you had a good therapeutic cry?  I don’t mean a little tear rolling down your check during “Step Up 3” or the commercial with the broken Ikea lamp, but I mean a leave it all on the floor, nervous breakdown, bawl to the point your lungs hurt cry?  If are a child, probably yesterday, but let’s be honest…how many adults have these emotional outbursts nowadays…and how many have them in public?

When you were a kid you were allowed to act however you felt at the time. Tired, grumpy, angry, sad, frightened, silly and to a point…well, you were actually allowed to. The world of rules, of disappointment, of fear and of limitations was new to you. Each and every time you had these emotions you were beginning to navigate your way into adulthood. But, as an adult…well, you are supposed to have your shit together. If you saw a woman bawling hysterically in the subway, I doubt you would think, “hmm…I bet she just had a tough day and really needed to get some angst out”, no, you would think, “Suck it up buttercup, get offa my platform because I’ve had a bad day too and you don’t see me crying about it…”

Our empathy gets pretty sparce as we get older and whether we mean to or not, we compare that sad person’s situation against our own. We think that they should be tougher, they should see more silver linings and frankly they should keep their crazies private. But, do you think we might actually have a more balanced society if everybody got to react the way they actually wanted to when they wanted to, better yet, when they needed to?  Would we have a lot more level-headed, sane people out there because they were allowed to have the emotions they were allowed to have when they were allowed to have them?

I know that I for one have had many years of “chin up, there are starving people out there, crying is for weaklings” and a million and one other “isms” told to me. I was told it as a child, I was told it as a teenager and I was told it as an adult. I was raised like a boy and somewhere along the way I created a walled demeanour like a boy…where I looked down on people’s emotional outbursts. However, I can say with possible pride, between the ages of 22 and 28 my opinions completely changed about what everybody was and was not allowed to be sad about. We don’t live eachother’s lives so we don’t get to make eachother’s rules, nor the hell should we.

So, when I found myself huddled on the floor bawling hysterically  for no good reason other than a piling up of life’s little problems and a shaking-level of frustration mounting, I just had to let it happen. I rarely break down in tears.  No matter how bad things get, I tend to try to rationalize them (even when my feelings aren’t rational) or hold those tears in. I rarely actually say or act out my crazy the way I would love to (if my sanity wouldn’t be questioned) and continually try to take the higher road because I’d rather not cross karma’s vindictive little path one time too often.  But, what I can say is following this…well, let’s just call it a therapeutic meltdown… was nothing short of clarity, relief, calmess and peace. Not to push this lesson too far, but I can honestly say that after I cried unapologetically and uncontrollably….the clouds outside actually parted and the sun came out. I want to say metaphorically, but even, literally the rain stopped and the sun shone bright.when_tears_turn_red__by_raynehale-d3knw0b

So, in every life a little rain must fall and after the storm comes the calm – not just metaphorically, but sometimes literally. Have your storm. Yell in your car, write angry letters to nobody and cry. If you can cry whenever you want to, well, be my guest, but if like me you can only cry when your body physically can no longer hold it in…well, then do that too. Trust me, the world would rather you have a downpour of tears than bullets.

The Ginga Ninja

Is Beauty Perfection, or just Definition…

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Do you ever feel imperfect?  Your abs are a keg, your hair is a cyclone, and your skin looks like a connect the dots? Trust, me, you aren’t alone.  Even those paid to be perfect are imperfect – the forced weight loss, cosmetic surgery, and botched liposuction are proof of this. Mickey Rourke is unrecognizable, Tara Reid’s stomach is from a horror movie, and even Kathy Ireland is now sporting a bonafide gut.

This is a flashback to that moment 8 years ago when I was the skinniest of my adult life, had perky boobs, silky hair and didn’t realize that the freckly girl I saw in the mirror may not actually be who still stared back…I want to say thank you to my old co-worker who got me drunk  and said, “are you blind, you are HOT”.

So for all those times you feel imperfect, remember you are unbelieveably, unremarkably not uniqBeauty-is-in-the-eye-of-the-beholder-and-it-may-be-necessary-from-time-to-time-to-give-a-stupid-or-misinformed-beholder-a-black-eye.ue in this. You are far less unspecial then you make yourself out to be, in fact, you are just like everybody else. Maybe some hide it better, maybe some days are worse, but nobody is perfect…perfectly flawed perhaps.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, sometimes the beholder just isn’t you…and thank god for that.

Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong? In your reverie of a perfect girl? – Sarah MacLachlan

The Ginga Ninja

Needy or Not, it’s what you Need

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What is needy?

There are people out there who are introverts. Straight up, simple and true, introverts. They don’t need others, they don’t need validation, they don’t need understanding, they don’t need connection. Hate to admit it, I ain’t one of em. I need people every now and again and I need validation more than I would like.

As I say this, there were always loners, hermits, the town loon (whatever term floats your boat), however they were often left to be on the far side of the ravine to chop their wood, smoke their pipes and read their books in peace. Sure, maybe a whisper, a point or two and a bag of flaming dog crap landed on their door, but the comparisons, competitions, challenges and frankly resources weren’t there. Nowadays, our introverts get labeled another way. We have bigger towns, more insight, virtual lives, Candy Crush, Clash of Clans, Netflix, Shomi and PVR coming out the ass. Alone we are never really alone, are we?

I have discovered I’m a happy little medium of introvert and extrovert, landed somewhere between needing nights in to watch silly movies, take baths and listen to music…as much as wanting to go out and drink, gab, gossip and gape. There has to be a middle ground in there somewhere. Moderate is my middle name.

The thing is, when I’m alone, I’m almost never really alone. I have my computer, my newstream, my newfound instragram followers and most importantly my phone nearby. The nights I have no contact it feels like an eternity and the nights that I don’t feel love, a lifetime.

It’s funny, if a lonely girl wants to hear from you, it’s needy, but if a boy expresses jealousy, inquiry, insecurity or neediness…it’s oddly endearing. Deep down isn’t that what every girl wants? I have had drunk texts, dick pics, people who wouldn’t stop messaging to take a nap and somebody who once an hour needed confirmation that I indeed loved him and he was what I wanted, he was my future. You know what, all of these people, these people who incessantly texted, brought up the future too early, brought up sex too often, all these people who could overwhelm or even jeezes, scare me…filed me at one point or another in the insecure girl category because I asked for an explanation.

An apology, a conversation, a confirmation, an acknowledgement, the desire to say goodnight, an attempt to wake them…these things eventually put girls into the needy, crazy, clingy or desperate category. The unfair part is most girls I know have done nothing anywhere near as out there as guys I know – no hail mary angry emails, no justified need to know what really happened phone calls, no fists through walls, no storming in jealous after the cable guy stayed a little too long rants…but yet, every misstep, every unanswered text, every rejected advance, every notch in their belt seems like one more little strike against their unmarred character and judgement. If a girl shows emotion, better get the valium. A guy, better mark the history books.

The thing is, everybody can be needy and everybody can be insecure, it’s just a matter of understanding that deep down, waayyy deep down…you can do anything you want to because frankly, needy or not, it’s what you need.

The Ginga Ninja