Category Archives: Change

Did I spell rong wrong?

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I’ve been trying to put my finger on what exactly has been wrong lately, and somehow…I can’t.red-quote

There is no big bad wolf knocking at my door, no financial crisis lurking around the corner, no extreme loneliness, no terrible boss, no family drama, no pet crisis, no major health scares. Things are more together than they have been in a really long time…and once in awhile, one in a blue moon, I think THAT is the problem.

I’ve been fighting my demons as I age. They say your 30’s are actually the greatest decade, and truthfully I believe it. I’ve been navigating my way through the unknown and learning to give the finger to more of what doesn’t work in my world. The thing is, the more I give the finger to things and the deeper I root myself into my little world…the further I drift away from all those someday dreams I used to have. Someday wedding, someday house, someday trip, someday career…

As I get older and make rash decisions my chances for somedays get smaller. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wanted to live in this world. The present, the real, the everyday…and most days it’s a great world to live in. Understand and appreciate what you do have, just don’t think about the rest…but every once in awhile…every once in panic-inducing while…something feels wrong.

I have always struggled with the thought that something feeling wrong meant something in your life was actually…wrong. I didn’t understand that as a human I would have good days and bad, secure and insecure moments and would feel “that” feeling in the pit of my stomach, pushing up against my lungs…for many reasons other than actual hardship.

A big meeting, a hard test, a first kiss…these can all create those feelings. So, lately…when they creep up…I need to fight the urge to assume something is actually out of place in my world and needs fixing. I need to accept the fact that it’s okay to feel bad when you send a cat to the shelter or let a new crush down. It’s okay to feel bad when you can’t afford your vacation or you get dis-invited to a cottage because they over counted. It’s okay to feel bad. Hell, it’s okay to feel.

So, as I struggle to figure out what exactly is wrong…I think the answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong, other than my inability to feel bad without feeling wrong. And frankly, that in itself is what is wrong.

Life is Messy.  It Kicks you in the Ass. That’s right, I said Ass.  But, it does, it kicks you in the ass.  And the messy parts are the best parts. – Jess, New Girl

The Ginga Ninja

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New Year, New You?

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mmI’m sitting here with thoughts in my head and lazy in my fingers…barely just willing myself to type. Don’t let the title fool you, one night cannot make an entire new you. A you that makes resolutions, recommits to passions and hobbies, and tries harder to be good at the things they are good at and even better at the things they aren’t….suuurrreee…but a new you? C’mon people.

Who in their right mind really believes that one cold night in winter (well, in certain countries) makes you a different person, or even makes you dedicate to being a better person. I gave up on resolutions years ago because frankly, you give up on them quickly and stress yourself out when you are failing.  What about just trying to be okay everyday?

As I say this, I did just make homemade soup, am watching Jeopardy, sat down to write for the first time in months, read 10 chapters of a book, mentally recommitted to playing my guitar and did yoga for the first time in a year…but I won’t call these things resolutions…I will call these things the things I shoulda been doing all along.

So resolve to be the version of you that operates best and most content, not the version of you that doesn’t exist, because trust me, if you do…you will not only let the new you, but the old you down too.

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. – Walt Disney

The Ginga Ninja

35 Reasons to Give up…or Give in…and Dance.

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Something is bothering me, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Whether the weather (hehe), the fact I still haven’t lost those 10 lbs, my fear over letting myself go in love and trust, or maybe plain and simply that I’m turning 35 is the culprit. There, I said it, an actuality that never seemed possible is happening – I can no longer pretend to be a child, or tell myself I have more time to figure it all out…for quite a while now, but particularly in the next 5 days – my need to be the person I’m supposed to be is now. Asthma, panic, wandering mind…you name it, but whatever has set in is settling in and nothing aside from exercise, hot baths, tears, or maybe some xanax could fix it.

This all sounds a little drastic, 35 is the new 25 and you are only as old as you feel…yada yadagettingold yada…it’s not really that old, when I was your age…you name your cliche. And until right this moment I didn’t think it was a problem. Then again, the end of the summer always causes my little Virgo brain to wander and worry. Cold nights, overcast days, a +1 to that age and even snowflakes are coming. Hell, with how I’m describing it, one would think I’m in Winterfell (Game of Thrones reference for those non-nerds out there).

But so on, and so forth this is life. This is all that is life. And this is a feeling I haven’t had in awhile. One I don’t like, one I don’t need, but maybe one that needs to happen to constantly grow. So, I’ll take a swig of beer, apartment dance my face off and remember, well, I’ll probably feel just like this one year from now. And a friend of mine, well, she is also facing this conundrum and facing it well. In her own right she realized that each and every year you could write a list of things you need to do, should do, should at least start, or at least start thinking about… or you could write a list of things you already have. So, alright 35, let’s do this, like she is doing 34 in style.

“Being a grown-up is hard. Like, all my passwords have to have at least eight characters and uppercase letters now. I don’t think a ton of people are trying to break into my account just to pay my gas bill.  We should be able to have easier passwords.” – Kate, Garfunkel & Oates

The Ginga Ninja

Fears on my Pillow

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11939673_508650149289788_540609435_nThere’s a lot of fear in letting yourself go. Well, in whatever. Go headfirst into a school, country, career and most importantly love. You know, it’s easy to fall in love, not as easy to stay in it. So, let’s hope you break your ankle, because then you can’t get up (get it – because you have fallen? Hardy har har)

Anytime you find yourself in a meaningful relationship, you realize how quickly you dissolve into the other person. You have to start to give up your alone time, plans with friends and family and make the hard choices of where to be on the weekend, when to push for equal rights, when to back off for individualism. How to handle the I’m sorries as easily as the I love you’s and how to vehementaly watch the back of another, while still trying to watch your own. It’s a precious little balancing act, some that only few get right, and sometimes only right for awhile.

Maybe even harder is when you do think you have it all together, that right person, that ying to your yang, that white picket fence, is the eventual evolution of giving up your things, your space, your identity, yourself. Everybody says you won’t, and you can’t even be fully with somebody unless you know your boundaries, but you do, there is no ifs ands or buts around it, and if you want a future, you begin to let go of the past. And this my friend, is probably the scariest feeling of all. Letting yourself go, in trust, in faith, in paperwork, in finances, in asylums to another – it’s easy to second guess and it’s extremely easy to falter, but eventually you need to move forward.

Before long you dissolve into the relationship. First you give up your place, then you give up your taste. Compromising on furniture, clothes, where you eat and then one day you are just an appendage to someone else – no thoughts or no life of your own. I feel like without a space that’s just mine, I’ll disappear. – Larissa, the Carrie Diaries

The Ginga Ninja

Pretend to Practice Patience

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red-potHave you ever waited for something? A parcel, proposal, promotion, unanswered text message or wait…let’s go old school and throw in waiting for a pot to boil? What I can tell you, is that it can be maddening.

For some reason, those hours, minutes even seconds while standing there in limbo can last an eternity. The outcome you need, it just can’t come soon enough and it is oh so hard to concentrate on things outside of that outcome. Do another activity? Get sidetracked. Talk to somebody else, mind wanders away. Decide to relax, might as well be in a bed of scorpions. Life is a little like that, when we are expecting something and we know what we are expecting, we get impatient. We just want it to hurry up and be there already.

So, truth be told, not too long ago I saw my first ever psychic. I know, a psychic you say, do tell…

Well, as expected a lot of it can be debunked pretty quickly. Tell me your birthday? Age with no ring, chiStock_000004009819XSmalleck. You are here on Christmas Day with your brother while on holiday? Sad, lonely and sense of something missing, check. You are a certain age and live in a big city? You must work too much and are finally able to rest assured financially, check. Anyhow, all joking aside, she did seem to hit some things on the head, whether by chance or by certain. I was told I was open, both in terms of the world and spiritually (funnily enough, the “gifted” ones have thrown this tidbit my way before), I was also told I had a lot of worries in my past, that I have carried around other people’s expectations, baggage, fears and guilts as my own and that it wasn’t my future that had any issue, it’s my painful past. It will all be okay, if only I can practice patience…I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

Well, I have been trying to practice patience for quite sometime. Every once in awhile I give up on goals and creating new plans, visions or ideas…and I just sit. Sit in my life, in my couch, in my job, with my friends, my family. And then something unexpected puts you ass over tea kettle. Your brother knocks up his fiancée 9 months to the day of the wedding, you are still dating a manchild that you met 6 months earlier at a bar and completely unannounced or unknown, well, David Bowie dies!

Most of those things don’t totally affect my life, but you know what I mean. Patience, once you’ve decided you want something is incredibly hard to practice. Let’s create a new saying, “Practice Takes Patience”, or even more appropriately – Practice makes perfect, patience makes practice?

Pretty sure nobody is letting me rewrite well-known clichés as much as I may prefer my own versions.

Either way, I guess my best advice is find a way around the problem that doesn’t require patience – go directly to the source, support your position, text that fucker first, better yet, propose if you have to. Either you need to negate the need for patience, or damn, just gotta stop watching that pot.

Self-doubt may help my writing, but it won’t help my living. Just because you want something doesn’t mean you’ll get it. – The Carrie Diaries

The Ginga Ninja

New Year, New Perspective

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article-2344762-1A68F156000005DC-570_306x423How close minded are you? In today’s day and age, people are told not to settle. We can all survive without a partner and chances of that partnership lasting are slim. So, we date, we live together, we sleep around and sometimes we think long and hard before we commit. But, all this “not settling” and hesitation means that we can become very (for lack of a better word), picky. We want the perfect partner for us. The person who adds to our life, not detracts and the person you could live with for awhile, even if not forever.

Gone are the days of meeting naturally. The pond is bigger, the competition is fierce and we know deep down, we may never meet that person who will complete us. With online dating comes a plethora of knowledge long before you’ve even met. We can pinpoint our exact type down to their astrology sign. But, has all this knowledge made us hard?

On paper I know my type. But, if I’m honest, I rarely have sparks with on-paper perfection. I once started talking to somebody who lived in a neighbouring town. When asked why it was a problem, I stated that I didn’t want to drive 40 minutes to see him or spend my weekends away. Been there, done that, have the war wounds. BUT, in the same breath admitted that I was fully willing to commit to somebody in a different country. My friend very quickly caught the obvious flaw in my argument – you aren’t willing to drive to another city, but you are okay with another country?

It made me realize how small we have painted our visions of our perfect partner. We know what career they should
have, how much they should make, how many siblings are ideal and what geographical region they should live in. The hurdles we create are so high that nobody will ever finish that race. But, once in awhile, every once in a big, blue map2moon, we meet somebody who forces us to throw it all out the window. Their accent, religion, upbringing, family life, job, view on politics, and country are completely wrong and yet something about them is completely right.

This same friend of mine also admitted that her ex-boyfriend was perfect. He was the perfect gentlemen, the perfect boyfriend and better yet the perfect ex-boyfriend. They were blessed to have the amicable breakup that we all dream of and to this day he maintains she is wonderful and he would’ve loved her forever. BUT, despite this dreamy Ken doll being the epitome of what she thought she wanted in a man, instead she found herself attracted to a much older, divorced, folically-challenged father. A person that never in a million years would have made her cut-off list was suddenly candidate number one.

This made me think…why are we all so narrow minded on who we want to be with? When it comes to love and logic, rarely do the two ever coincide. I read a great article put out by a dating site reminding us that when you follow your heart over your head, you may just be surprised who you end up with. Maybe that funny, musical, poetic guy who gives you nightly backrubs has a different religious upbringing or education level. Maybe that six-figure ringing social climber with the great job, car and condo actually lacks emotional intelligence and empathy. We can’t go out and create the perfect person, because frankly, one doesn’t exist. All we can do is trust our instincts. Sometimes it may be in the form of logic, other times lust, but the only way to learn, grow, or maybe make the best mistake of your life is to risk the unknown.

We build too many walls and not enough bridges. – Sir Isaac Newton

The Ginga Ninja

That Wasn’t the Plan

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8121734895_79742240a4_mThings don’t always go according to plan, and you know what? Maybe that’s alright. How many people do you think wake up on their 82nd birthday and say, I’m so glad that everything happened exactly the way I thought it would. That everything I ever thought I wanted I got, and everything I ever tried to do, I achieved. In MY fake version of the world, well everyone, but in reality, very few.

Most talk about the mysteries of life. The adventures. The sadness. The happiness. The unexpected turns that brought them somewhere they never imagined. The surprise careers, the failed loves, the hidden blessings. They think back on a life where they wish they made more mistakes and had more regrets. A life without any broken bridges, dead-end paths or unexpected characters is a life that very few look back on grateful that they had. It’s the things we can’t plan for that usually surprise us the most.

But, life is long & short all at the same time. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s hard. But, you can’t have one without the other, you can’t feel joy without pain, you can’t feel loss without gain (reeaallly decided to avoid sunshine and rain there). But, I think what I’m trying to say is don’t plan all the time. Just live. Just breathe. Turn off your brain. Turn off your clock. Turn up the volume. Sing, stare, listen, read, write, hug, feel, but stop envisioning a world where all your dreams come true, because odds are, your dreams can be nightmares and your failures your blessings.

I can appreciate the everyday, but why not live in the possible? The world just doesn’t have as many mysteries anymore. There’s no new continents to explore, there’s no more deepest darkest Africa; everything’ all mapped out my satellites and sonar.  Yet, still, people reach for the unknown. It’s what makes us grow.                                                                                                                                                                                     – Castle

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The Ginga Ninja