Time and time again I post articles on here that are relevant to me, my friends, family and hopefully you. Sometimes they are written in the heat of the moment and sometimes they are thoughtfully stored away until I am ready to post. Well, funnily enough one of the most recent ones was in a very frustrated heat of the moment, well, moment (for lack of a better word) and the other, I guess I just thought it was a good segway for something previously penned.
That being said, I suppose the frustration I was feeling conveyed itself through my words. Here and there I forget that sometimes friends are following this too. I write it for the everyday man, but fail to remember that it is an outlet to more than just the outside world, but to my inner one as well. Oddly enough, I had already written and chosen the next post, but for my old friend who offered me a pint without mention of children, life or love – well, this one’s for you.
I don’t consider myself to be a bitter person. Over the years I have realized that life can get complicated, nobody is perfect and all we can do is forgive ourselves. I often walk away from jobs, relationships, friendships and family dysfunction with a pretty open mind. Well, at least in the last seven years I have. (I may have had a wee bit of teenage and mid-twenties angst. Guilty as charged)
About 3 years ago I realized I was imperfect and started forming a plan to live life on my own terms because I’m probably the only one who will be around until the end. I didn’t know exactly what it would hold, but I did know it may be difficult and would take a lot of trial and error. I was okay with that though. I was okay with the unknown versus being judged all the time for making the wrong decisions.
The problem with that is the way you think things may play out and the way they actually do are very different. I expected to be a little broken for a while and pick myself back up. The thing about life is you can’t always predict what you might feel when or how somebody else will act. And unfortunately you can’t control your urge to want to “win” at the short-term game even though you know it means nothing in the long one.
When things don’t go the way your little Virgo brain predicted, that curveball can really mess with your psyche. Anger, sadness, bitterness and melancholy are feelings you didn’t expect to, or want to be feeling. Particularly with your new “Zen” attitude. But, here’s a secret. It’s inevitable. Human beings feel things. Logic and emotion are at times separate. And years later it had only come full-circle. I had arrived back to exactly where I started on this journey and in some ways better, in some ways worse.
I’ve spent many wasted hours upset over things I could not control. I’ve wasted many tears missing the past, being angry about the present and doubting my worth. I’ve pondered why things happened, I’ve also smiled at the simple stuff. But, in the end…isn’t that what this is all about? Two steps forward and one step back is a pretty good mantra for life. There is no magic “one day” where you are perfectly content because it isn’t real. You can meet the love of your life and still get a migraine, you can break your leg and still win the lottery. Life is a puzzle, a conundrum, a game waiting to be played and a song waiting to be sung.
So, I’m going to try harder to forgive myself for my wasted thoughts and wasted fears and love myself for making it through with more stories, skills and ambitions under my belt. A new (wordy) friend of mine said that life is like a dance and that dancing is good for the soul…even if the dancing isn’t so good. I think I like it.
The Ginga Ninja