Lose your Keys, Lose your Mind

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e3a60c0cfa92ffd6a76ee790d593db35I heard something funny recently. You know how people lose something and then they search for days and finally find it…often you hear them exclaim, “Augh. It’s always in the last place I looked!” Well, hello, Einstein…OF COURSE it’s the last place you looked.  If you found it, why would you keep searching?

When I heard that I gave a little giggle.  I never thought of it like that…and yet, how many times have I heard that announced when the precious item is at last discovered?  Well, I am that genius today…and many days.  I am completely, 110% guilty of misplacing things.  I always have more than one thing on my mind…so when it comes time to put something down, I truly put it down.  I rarely think about where, when, in what room or what state. I figure that you can only strive for perfection in so many areas and elsewhere something has got to give.  For me, losing things is my something, but whether it’s my keys or my mind is usually the real question. Amen to that.

The Ginga Ninja

Still Tastes Sweet

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il_340x270.298542240Dear god it’s crazy what only a few hours can do. One moment you are convinced all is okay in your world and only a few short hours later you are looking up strays online to prepare yourself for the crazy cat ladyhood that is bound to come your way.

Dating is frustrating. And tiring. And there are just so many ups and downs. Every single time I think I have wrapped my head around it, and around me in it…a new twist turns up. (Get it? Twists and Turns). You get it.

But, I don’t. Why do we do this to ourselves? Because for every 40 losers we try, there might be 2 with actual chances of survival and even those have slim odds nowadays. I guess we do it for the glimmer in our eye (or ache in our loins), the Rom Coms we love so much, the elderly couple holding hands and the tear shed on a wedding day. Even if that wedding didn’t last so long, the emotions of the day will live on forever. On our iPhones.

Seriously though – why does dating need to be so exhausting? Don’t hate the player, hate the game so they say.

I know the answer. I know that it’s the payoff every now again that makes it worthwhile. It’s the partnership, sharing, intimacy and desire to validate the meaning of our life with another living soul. But, somehow I feel there has to be an easier way. Like ice cream. Or for us hypoglycemics out there some horrible sugar-free alternative. Maybe that’s what we need. A sugar-free alternative to love.

The Ginga Ninja

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Learn from your Success, Live for your Failure

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Fail BetterTry, try and try again. That’s what they say, right? Get back up on that horse. Climb every mountain? But, seriously when is enough, enough.

Well, in dating, at least casual dating… it doesn’t take much. One unanswered text can equal the end of something new and promising. And why? Well, because somebody hotter or funnier messaged or maybe a drink or two led to an inevitable makeout at the bar. Hell, maybe it was as simple as a bad day at work or the dislike of parking garages. We all want something until the moment it is inconvenient to us. Inconvenience is inconvenient, to put it in the simplest of terms. Maybe I can get even simpler – a pain in the arse.

But, when you think back to a lot of good things in your life, weren’t some of the most memorable ones awfully inconvenient? Your condo taking three times as long as it should, chipping away at a person to finally gain a friend, or maybe even continuing to ask the elusive one who rejected you out. I always wondered what those people must feel. How do they not get down? How do they keep getting up in the face of rejection, frustration and adversity to not feel bad about themselves, unworthy, unwanted, unwarranted. Well, the last one doesn’t make sense – but for most of us, pride is a nasty sin.

If something is hard, move on right? Wrong. Sometimes.

Most of the people who have ever become successes in their life failed and failed again. Happily married couples. Multi-millionaires. John Travolta. But, it was the trying again that got them where they were. So, I’ve been encouraged to (and have been trying to) make some mistakes. Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen?

As children we are taught not to talk to strangers, not to run into the street, not to play with fire. But, as we get older, always staying safe can prevent us from experiencing all that life has to offer.  If you never take risks, you don’t really get a chance to live at all. And what’s the fun in that? – The Carrie Diaries

The Ginga Ninja

Time to Get off the Bitter Train

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red_train_by_andrada1349-d30lwleTime and time again I post articles on here that are relevant to me, my friends, family and hopefully you. Sometimes they are written in the heat of the moment and sometimes they are thoughtfully stored away until I am ready to post. Well, funnily enough one of the most recent ones was in a very frustrated heat of the moment, well, moment (for lack of a better word) and the other, I guess I just thought it was a good segway for something previously penned.

That being said, I suppose the frustration I was feeling conveyed itself through my words. Here and there I forget that sometimes friends are following this too. I write it for the everyday man, but fail to remember that it is an outlet to more than just the outside world, but to my inner one as well. Oddly enough, I had already written and chosen the next post, but for my old friend who offered me a pint without mention of children, life or love – well, this one’s for you.

I don’t consider myself to be a bitter person. Over the years I have realized that life can get complicated, nobody is perfect and all we can do is forgive ourselves. I often walk away from jobs, relationships, friendships and family dysfunction with a pretty open mind. Well, at least in the last seven years I have. (I may have had a wee bit of teenage and mid-twenties angst. Guilty as charged)

About 3 years ago I realized I was imperfect and started forming a plan to live life on my own terms because I’m probably the only one who will be around until the end. I didn’t know exactly what it would hold, but I did know it may be difficult and would take a lot of trial and error. I was okay with that though. I was okay with the unknown versus being judged all the time for making the wrong decisions.

The problem with that is the way you think things may play out and the way they actually do are very different. I expected to be a little broken for a while and pick myself back up. The thing about life is you can’t always predict what you might feel when or how somebody else will act. And unfortunately you can’t control your urge to want to “win” at the short-term game even though you know it means nothing in the long one.

When things don’t go the way your little Virgo brain predicted, that curveball can really mess with your psyche. Anger, sadness, bitterness and melancholy are feelings you didn’t expect to, or want to be feeling. Particularly with your new “Zen” attitude.  But, here’s a secret. It’s inevitable. Human beings feel things. Logic and emotion are at times separate. And years later it had only come full-circle. I had arrived back to exactly where I started on this journey and in some ways better, in some ways worse.

I’ve spent many wasted hours upset over things I could not control. I’ve wasted many tears missing the past, being angry about the present and doubting my worth. I’ve pondered why things happened,  I’ve also smiled at the simple stuff. But, in the end…isn’t that what this is all about? Two steps forward and one step back is a pretty good mantra for life.  There is no magic “one day” where you are perfectly content because it isn’t real. You can meet the love of your life and still get a migraine, you can break your leg and still win the lottery. Life is a puzzle, a conundrum, a game waiting to be played and a song waiting to be sung.

So, I’m going to try harder to forgive myself for my wasted thoughts and wasted fears and love myself for making it through with more stories, skills and ambitions under my belt. A new (wordy) friend of mine said that life is like a dance and that dancing is good for the soul…even if the dancing isn’t so good. I think I like it.

The Ginga Ninja

Problems are not Stop Signs, They are simply Guidelines.

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Recently, I had a moment. I know, I know…I’ve had many moments. But, once upon a time I believed in Signs. I really believed that each and 41GP0ARiPvL._SY300_every thing was interrelated. Things happened for a reason, karma is real and that sometimes fate nudges you in the very direction you were meant to go.

Now, the good thing about this is that sometimes I can steer others in the right direction. I can look at all the pieces of the puzzle and stay extremely positive about the path they are meant to take. I’m GREAT at giving others clairvoyant direction. The bad thing about this is there are times that ignorance can be bliss…and when you get a prickly feeling when bad things happen…very rarely do you get to live in that bliss. Now, that’s a bummer because suddenly you dig to find out what in your world has gone wrong, and you know what? If you dig deep enough, something usually has.

However, probably the biggest downfall of living in this world is when you follow the wrong signs. When you are contemplating two roads diverged and you start looking for signals – sometimes maybe what you are seeing are simply signs that have twisted in the wind, or were put there by evil OZ monkeys and wiley coyotes. Sometimes when you read the omens fate has sent instead of carving your own path, well it may be coincidence or it may simply be poor reading. I mean, we can choose to see things that we are looking for, right?

I guess an example of this would be when I was contemplating next steps in a relationship and I started to crush on an old friend. It was the wrong decision. Most thought we were both different people now and like Christopher and Lorelai in Gilmore Girls, maybe it would work this time. I chose to see things, (that probably had I been a little less aware) …wouldn’t have been there at all. Examples of this would be that right when I found myself getting jealous about his wife, new dog and house – poof, he separated. When I sat in my car and thought about how the song “Falling Slowly” would be such a good song for us – it came on in the car, and then later still, he started playing it on the guitar.

stock-vector--red-signs-vector-47244244Sometimes, a sign is not a sign at all, but maybe a warning. Safety Directions, Stop Signs, Train Lights…they are all big flashing warnings and it’s up to us whether to read them right. If we are looking for the wrong signs (the person on the other side of the train tracks urging us over) we will find them. I mean, when you get a black car, suddenly everyone seems to have a black car! I have a secret, it’s not because there are more black cars, it’s because you are so much more aware of something that you never were before. It’s all about Perception.

So, are signs always good, are signs always bad? No. It’s up to you to be aware enough to see them and also up to you to be smart enough to read them.

Maybe the absence of a sign is a sign.  Maybe there is no fate and if there is, it’s not working for ME. – Jonathan Trager, Serendipity

The Ginga Ninja

Missing your spoon or shovel?

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red-buddha (1)I’ve always been the first to believe in signs. To believe in signs, larger meanings, karmic justice…you name it, I’ve thought it. I can list off a finite number of times I received karmic justice, but not always. No, not always.

Well, today I find myself sitting here thinking there is no deeper meaning or destiny. It is all chance and the actions of individuals. Their risks, their kindness, their anger, their selfishness. Go out and be all that you can be, but don’t believe you are destined to be it. Go out and risk and take challenges not because those will bring you where you are meant to go, but maybe because they will bring you where you never intended to.

I’m tired. I’m tired of waiting for some bigger thing to evolve. It’s not going to happen. This is just the way it is. And I’m so tired of people telling you to keep dating and keep waiting for that all-hallowed match. Don’t settle. Don’t be scared. Don’t be shy. Know what I think? Be whatever you want to be. Do whatever you want to do. If you want to settle – settle! If you don’t want to settle, be prepared for a life potentially alone. Because to be completely honest and completely bitter…the ride on the way to meeting somebody great is a soul-sucking, exhausting, anti-adventure that only the foolish will follow.

Okay, okay. I realize this is all a little pessimistic for my newfound enlightenment, but today I am mad. I am mad because I managed to reconnect with somebody to only have 2 weeks and 3 failed date attempts later him decide the universe didn’t want us together. The universe? You bailed because you were tired, grumpy and ditched me for better plans. So, in the end he wanted to cut our losses while we were ahead (Ahem..our) because though he wanted to go out, he just didn’t believe it was meant to be. Let’s be honest about why, because the universe is intervening or your selfish nature is? Either way, in the end he said he wanted to end with no hard feelings and on good terms – smiley face. My answer? I think good terms may be a bit of an overstatement.

Sure, I’m as rational as the rest of them and have realized holding out for something to work out is like waiting for a third limb to grow out of my ass, but don’t try to feed me bullshit and tell me it tastes good. You get out of life the effort you put into it…or so they say. That in itself may not even be true. Just realize you will have good days and bad and sometimes life just ain’t fair. People ain’t fair. Timing ain’t fair. Circumstance ain’t fair. Maybe there is no bigger meaning to it all. Just surviving can be your indicator for success, well that and maybe managing to leave some ice cream in the damn container.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. – Albert Einstein

The Ginga Ninja

 

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Where’s Freud when you need him?

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freud-illustrationAwhile back I tried to write a post about dreams. The problem? It was only a dream.

I’m kidding. The problem was that I was having so many at the time – holding hands with friends, spooning strangers, random people and sad situations…it was a very long and complicated entry; one I always thought I would edit when things were a little more clear. Instead I’m starting over. The other morning I woke up from some very strange and unsettling dreams. Nothing overly bad happened, but sometimes you gotta wonder – what exactly is your subconscious trying to tell you?

My buddy Sigmund Freud is considered the Daddy of Dream Decoding. He believed that nothing happened by chance and that every action and thought is motivated by your unconscious at some level. http://www.dreammoods.com/dreaminformation/dreamtheory/freud.htm

I awoke from a dream where I was at a party with a lot of my old friends. Correction, my ex-boyfriend’s friends, but once we broke up they slowly left my life. It’s sad, but hey, it’s life. Anyhoo, I was catching up with them all – slowly making my way around the room to find out where they lived, who was married, who broke up, their 3rd careers…you know, the usual coming of age fare. It was nice, except for my ex beau and his new squeeze were fuzzily in the background avoiding me like the plague, or more accurately, barely aware I even existed.

Fast forward time, as dreams often do and suddenly we were in my apartment (which was really a hotel room) and I was having an after party. For some reason I owned two places and was being told that I had to give this one up (ha – as if I could ever afford that) – but, this very loft that has helped liberate and create who I am today. A lot of lonely nights and a lot of blog entries have existed here, but a lot of independence too. Like usual, there were now two roads diverged.

But, in that room were a few of those friends, an annoying new suitor, my ex and even the boy before him. When I awoke, it seemed so real, having the two lost loves in the same room. The one was chatty and friendly, like he was in real life…the other hard to read and silent… like he also was in the flesh and blood. My feelings about them in the dream were reminiscent of my feelings about them in life. The one that is more resolved left the room and left it in a friendly way. The one that may or may not hate my guts sat there quietly and mysteriously not saying a word.

I told a couple of people about my mixed feelings when I awoke. It all felt so real. It made me for about an hour want my old life back. It made me for about an hour want my ex-boyfriend back. It made me for about an hour feel like nothing had changed, when really everything has changed. Dreaming about an ex can mean many things – feelings unresolved, the desire for affection, missing a relationship, entering a new one, or even meeting somebody who reminds you of them. Usually they are proposing, you are kissing, they are dying…but very rarely are they just there. I’ve dreamt about them separately and at times with confusion, but never, ever have I dreamt about them together – two worlds crashing, but neither my world any more.

The funny thing about my dream was it wasn’t set in the past, it was in the present. The fact that they were both with other people was known and my feelings about them seemed to be screaming from their actions. Subconscious my ass. It could have simply been emotions unresolved about the way that life and love worked out. But, more so than that, the fact that old chapters of my life were there and I was being told to let go of this new one because clearly the second apartment was newer and nicer may speak volumes. What I have tried to avoid is people telling me how to be or what to do and yet, it still plagues me from time to time. What I have tried to avoid is the need to have the best, the most, the biggest or the baddest and only have what works for me, but it too still haunts me every now and again.

As my life progresses I have a difficult time of supporting my decisions, but also of letting go of the past. Even if it’s wrong right now, a day will come when I will need to let go of this sanctuary and move on. Maybe them being there and being there in the exact same way they were in life was simply speaking to the choices I’ve made, the roads less travelled and that well-known fact that life is ever-evolving and ever-changing. Maybe mentally I’m preparing for something big again. I’m acknowledging what I have had to sacrifice to get where I am and what I may have to again to keep moving forward. I don’t know what that something is yet, but perhaps we need to let go of a bit of the past in order to have a shot at the future.

Dreams are often most profound when they seem the most crazy.                                                                                                                                                         –  Sigmund Freud

The Ginga Ninja

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