Procrastinating Procrastination

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23Weekends are never long enough.  No, seriously, even when it’s a long weekend, there are just not enough hours in the day.  This is not to say I don’t like my job, or my part-time job, and I don’t even dread Monday mornings.  But, even when I’m not busy, I find I’m extremely busy doing very unimportant things.

Most of us find a way to fill our time quite well, depending on our needs of the moment.  For me, this little time-waster you are reading, organizing my music, playing guitar, painting, catching up on my ‘sodes, napping, errands, and pretending to clean… all seem to eat in that precious nothingness I was planning on doing.

It’s almost like I procrastinate procrastinating and actually find things to fill the time.  You would be amazed how easy it is to stay busy, particularly when you don’t even want to be.

Life is a constant give and take, ebb and flow, and unfortunately until I can afford a 4 day work week, my weekends are always going to be one day too short.

The Ginga Ninja

 

Trivial Pursuit or Love? Both are just Games.

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dice-02-1024x787I have been dating for about…17 years now.  When I was younger, I don’t think I handled the crushes, maybes and what ifs too bad, but handled the big ones like a teenage drama queen.  Now, I can say the opposite seems to reign true.  The big ones?  Well, I do my best not to come undone, though the transition from being part of a twosome to creating your own identity is a hard one, so I may still unravel from time to time.  But, those maybes, what ifs, booty calls, whatsits and whosits?  Well, there are probably just as many of them as when I was younger, but they feel so much worse now. Perhaps it’s my societal clock ticking and the feeling that another one bites the dust, but sometimes I try to figure out why they feel so much worse, so heart-wrenchingly, sweat-inducingly horrific.  I mean, many, many times it is me pulling the chute, so why when somebody else leaves me hanging does it feel so bad?

I think that part of it has to do with having some piece of your newfound identity associated to loving yourself unconditionally and refusing to play games with your life, or your love.  But, what happens when you live by your rules and the other party doesn’t?  It brings us right back to the same old lesson.  You can’t control others, you can’t control the unknown and ultimately you can’t control life.  All you can control is your reaction to it.  So, sometimes I wonder why my reaction is so strong.  How can I actually question if I’m unloveable or whether I did something wrong because somebody else decided they didn’t want to be mine afterall?

That sounds harsh, but it’s true.  Of course we aren’t a match for everyone.  And of course sometimes somebody is using me as a distraction or timing really is everything.  The road to hell was paved with good intentions so they say.  But, how can somebody not fully chasing after you leave you feeling just a little bit less worthwhile?  Don’t you ultimately want to be with somebody who wants to be with you?  Yes. Yes.  And let me repeat…Yes.

We forget our worth when we are in it.  When we are in it, we think if only I hadn’t sent that picture, that extra text, lost my temper that one time, made that stupid joke, waited so long to get back to them…it would all be okay.  But, maybe sometimes it isn’t about us at all, but about the types of people we are willing to put our time into.  We love the idea of someone, even if not the right someone.  It explains why we can feel like something is missing…when it was never ours in the first place.  It is the idea of that ever elusive happily ever after, and all your dreams coming true that make you question if it is in fact YOU.  Deep down is it you, but not necessarily for the reasons you think.

It’s time to retrain ourselves.  Don’t lower your standards.  Don’t think you are too picky.  Don’t play hard to get.  Don’t play games.  Don’t change your values to win over the wrong person.  And don’t, please don’t (because I do) question whether you could have changed the outcome if only you had done something differently.  Maybe you could have.  But, do you want to be with a person who will end it because you sent one text too many, or admitted you were insecure from time to time?  Trust me, you can be good at playing the game, and still wish there wasn’t a game to play.

So, read this fantastical post (yes, I know it’s not a word, but put fantastic & wonderful together and the world becomes a better place) by fellow blogger, Aaron Westera and take all that it says to heart.  And I mean literally to heart – to YOUR heart.  You are not to be toyed with, you are not to be under-appreciated.  If you have to play games to get somebody, well, then you don’t have them to begin with and if they make you feel any less than the best version of you…run.  Run fast and run far.  But, run baby, run.

http://aaronwestera.tumblr.com/post/22917411339/it-all-starts-at-hello#.Ux0gyvldXt8

The Ginga Ninja

I Coulda been Somebody, I Coulda been a Contender

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On_the_Waterfront_posterI have a friend who tells me I’m really bad with perspective because I compare.  The funny thing is the other day she also said the same of herself.  I walk around and say “most people are…” or “I should be…” which in all reality makes no sense for me because I commonly break all these rules anyways.  You should date people you’re own age, you should settle down and get a respectable job after school; you should stay at home to save money.  Maybe I say these things because deep down my good little girl inner-child who (secretly) wants to please my parents and play with the good kids believes them…yet… I never ever actually do these things.  Does this instead just make me a contemplating badass?  A rebel with a cause?

I know that normal doesn’t exist.  In fact, as mentioned already, I heard that normal people are only people you don’t know yet.  I have enough experience and baggage to know life isn’t always easy.  I also fought damn hard to get others to accept the things I was finally accepting about myself.  I’m perfectly flawed and I know it.  Imperfectly balanced you might even say.  I have finally accepted that certain quirks and traits aren’t going away no matter how much I want them too or how much I try…no matter how much I sometimes wish I could pull some magic movie stunt and live someone else’s life for awhile just to see how it feels.

But, I guess even in that scenario I would still want to be me…you know, be aware that I’m now somebody else…which makes no sense at all.  In fact, in all the switcheroo movies I could think of, there is no plot that evolves this way…well, because it’s impossible.  Freaky Friday, Big, The Change Up, 17 Again…these characters merely swap bodies or have the wrong-aged mind in a different-aged body.

So, I guess I’m actually not that great at comparing after all, as I even when trying to come up with a good movie comparison, I can’t.

If that were the case I might swap my body for the one I had at 25, or maybe spend a day in one of Hefner’s Playboy Bunnies, but who are we kidding.  For as many things that I wish weren’t parts of me, there are just as many that I am happy that are.  I have to hope that those who love me – love me for the good…and not-so good traits too.  So for anybody that gets a little too competitive at Jeopardy, is obsessed with finding the best sugarless chocolate, puts the toilet paper roll on backwards, uses Kleenex to the bitter end, or thinks too much about what they should be doing instead of what they actually do…remember that should be doing and actually doing are 2 very different things and both are probably wrong…because frankly, no right exists.

Like the famous Marlon Brando scene in “On the Waterfront” there are people out there with expectations of how they could or should act, or in this case who they could or should be.  His character states, “You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it.”

Coulda, woulda, shoulda…..maybe some people really believe they can go back and undo things to make it different….me, I just believe that maybe as far as society goes there are things I “should” do….(and unfortunately may always reference them when I believe I’ve taken a gamble outside the secure and successful), but…I won’t.

Because frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn – Rhett Butler.  images

The Ginga Ninja

And Your Number’s Up.

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Why is 11:11 haunting me and what does it mean?

When you were a kid, did you make a wish every time you saw 11:11 on a clock?  I sure did.  The very simple phrase, “11:11, make a wish” has come out of my mouth for a good 30 years.  But, like a jinxsies, it wasn’t all that often and was just a cute little stop sign in your altogether busy today to take a minute and enjoy the moment with whoever you were with…or wish you were with.  Aha.

But lately….lllaaattteeely…this is more than a once in a blue moon occurrence.  This is more than a here and there, once every 6 months, or in the company of other’s kind of occurrence.  It is a weekly, if not daily, if not twice daily happening that is frankly starting to creep me out.  It is eerie and abnormal and in some ways I want it to stop, but in other ways I’m not sure it should.

You see, the thing is, 11:11 is a global phenomenon.  Ancient philosophers and the Bible alike put importance on this number, as do new age spiritual followers and even psychics.  I never thought much of it, until a friend mentioned to me that it had been following her around.  She realized that it meant something more than meets the eye and knowing I’m a bit of an open-minded soul, directed it my way.  Well, she seemed to have opened some sort of cosmic Pandora’s box, because whatever was on her shoulder has most definitely moved on to mine.

I joke that it’s the same old personal perception phenomenon that we all experience now and again.  Buy a new car, everyone has the same car.  Visit a city, and suddenly the city is in every TV show and song you hear. Try a new restaurant and everyone else has too.  It is the mere fact that something happened in your life and therefore you notice what you never noticed before. I told her that I would start looking for the number 9:08 and since then have not seen it even once, but 11:11? Don’t even get me started. This is different, this is constant, this is unplanned and this is unnatural.  I keep thinking that if I plan to try to see it, then I will twice a day every day, but I don’t.  I’m starting to think this isn’t my plan at all.

Apparently seeing 11:11 can be life’s little way of telling you to open your eyes.  Spiritual guardians have a watch on you and a change is coming. Some believe it is a divine opening, or a snapshot in life; a rift in time and space where all is suspended and in that moment you can insert an alternate reality into your future.  I already live in unreality half the time, so for me and my good friend…well, this means a whole hell of a lot of time not living in the real world.

More seriously though, after months of this, a major change did come for her.  And sadly, not necessarily a good one, but it most definitely caused her to open her eyes and evaluate her life.  I have also had a change recently, I started a new job, but in some ways it is counter-productive to the bigger personal journey I had already begun. I have been in transition and have come to realize that the person I am and the person I thought I was meant to be aren’t necessarily one and the same. What is still coming, only time will tell.  Something tells me I’m into something strange.  But, something also tells me I’m not alone.  And that in itself is strange, even if only for that one minute.

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/11:11_(numerology)

http://www.examiner.com/article/number-11-and-its-meaning-the-bible

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2013/04/29/what-is-the-significance-of-1111/

http://www.examiner.com/article/the-11-11-phenomenon-not-just-another-internet-meme

Time is only an illusion. – Albert Einstein

The Ginga Ninja

Sorry, What Day did You Say it Was?

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So this year I didn’t write a Valentine’s Day post.  Not because I’m bitter, not because I actually have a Valentine, but because I’m kind of…well, nothing over it.

As it turns out this past year things have been up and down…because, well, that is life.  I had a brief international fling, a ridiculously busy Christmas and a fairly relaxed January.  Since glowing about how much I love unemployment, I have now found myself fully employed again and am running myself ragged to maintain all that I’ve taken on.  Funny how that works, but finances run the world (even though Beyonce may have referenced ‘girls’) and time is once again at a premium.

Either way, I’m pretty okay with or without a Valentine.  Two years ago I was just learning to be independent, last year I was knee deep in health scares and this year, well, I barely noticed it even came.  I didn’t see many store fronts, am now chocolate-free, I’m happy for my taken friends and very few of my single ones are bitter or planning sad nights in. Single or taken, busy or relaxed, male or female, rich or poor…Valentine’s Day comes and goes and so we close the door on Valentines 2014.

But….I really do love those old vintage cards…and I really love this  post by a fellow blogger.  We are the same age, have the same poor spacial awareness and funnily enough sometimes pick the same titles for our blogs.  www.jentalkstoomuch.com/2011/02/happy-valentines-day-to-me

I think not just this year, but every year, you should feel this way.  Happy Valentines to you, your family, your friends, your pets and most importantly, YOU!

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Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.                                                                                                – Lucille Ball

The Ginga Ninja

Time for a Wake up Call

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Dreams-come-true-Quotes-She-turned-her-cant-into-cans-and-her-dreams-into-plansIs it normal to hear the song “You Make My Dreams Come True” by the great Hall & Oates TWICE in one day?  Somehow, I think not.  In fact, is it normal to hear this catchy 80’s diddy, 6 times in a month?  I know not.  Is the universe trying to tell me something?

I recently had a job where every manager seemed to get pregnant shortly after starting the job.  I was warned to be careful, or I may be next.  I gave a little giggle because to get pregnant there’s a little secret (shhh)….to get pregnant, you have to be having sex.

As a woman who is up to her ears in rehab, consultation projects, cleaning her own apartment, interviewing, visiting friends and family, back at the gym and caring for pets…well, boys haven’t really been given a ton of time until recently. And you know what?  They seem to be a pretty big waste of it if I’m honest.

But, are all of these warnings and the crazy sign of hearing “You Make My Dreams Come True” trying to tell me something?  Should I be preparing for a life change, or….should I decide that the plain and simple message of that song is simply about me this time.  Maybe I make my dreams come true.  Plain and simple, isn’t that really the only person who can do that for you anyways?

For a long time…a really long time…I didn’t get that.  I didn’t understand that it wasn’t just a matter of being okay single or feeling confident when alone, but being okay alone.  For real.  Whether there is another person in your future or not, you have to stop envisioning one where another person exists and just try to be happy in yourself no matter where, when, or who that may be with.  Stop feeling like you have a void to fill and get ready for a much better problem – trying to actually make time in your busy and fulfilled life for another someone.

In a nutshell, “I make my dreams come true”…and if you are reading this, well, right now YOU are the only other one making my dreams come true because dammit, I kind of really like this writing thing.  So, go out and drink, dance, sing, cry, laugh, ponder, shake, fear, love and risk all the things that make you happy, but do it with the awareness that the outcome may not change your tomorrow.  It is the comfort, the acceptance, the challenge and the knowledge of these things, these pieces of you, that make life worthwhile.

Charlotte honey, did you ever stop to think that maybe we’re the white nights and we have to save ourselves? – Carrie, Sex and the City

The Ginga Ninja

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Can Unemployed Be Enjoyed?

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Unemployment is a scary word. I mean, I’ve gone through periods where it was my choice (taking a month or two with family prior to or after living overseas), but the moment it stops being your choice….well, basically, you feel like you are failing.

Unemployed people are lazy, they are not as talented, or they are poor at Marketing their abilities, right?  Not always right. The world is many shades of grey, sometimes you need to look for eggshell before you find white or the charcoal before you hit black.  Sometimes EMPLOYED people can be lazy, less talented or poor at Marketing their abilities, but a friend of the family, or 20 years in a job keeps them in the green.  If you think really hard, often the brightest minds were the least stable and taking the most risks.

So, recently we met a group of people who never went to post-secondary school, only worked half the year and did door-to-door sales. I think our initial reaction was that these people were kind of lazy and didn’t have real jobs.  I mean, geeze man, grow up.  If you make such good money, why not work more and save up?  Well, let’s be honest, if you could only work 5 hours a day, 5 months a year and make enough to just dick around the rest of the time, wouldn’t you?

We’ve all had stressful jobs and chaotic periods of time where we would just like a break.  A break from work, from family obligation, from responsibilities and frankly from our life. When you get this much needed break, but it isn’t your choice, suddenly there is a perception of pity and worry around you.  But, sometimes a break gives you the perspective you need to figure out what really matters to you.

I know that shockingly, once I got over the first month of full-time unemployment, I stopped worrying.  I am probably going to be working for the next 35 years, so what’s 6 months off?  The market isn’t what it used to be and taking the wrong job can affect more than you think.  So, when you are working part-time and still have creative outlets, suddenly it doesn’t seem so bad.  I’m a diligent worker, but not a great 9-5er; my health suffers, I’m constantly running late and I am horrible at keeping work at work.  As it turns out, I am best when I am my own boss and make my own hours. I’ve needed to let go of the stigma that I am failing or not living “regular life” and figure out how the hell to create financial stability with my new found enlightenment.

Everybody is different and once we let go of the expectations of others, we can better understand the expectations of self. Not everybody is the same, so we need to remember what works for one may not work for another. I just know that with each new person I meet, my opinions change and each new experience I have, my expectations lower. My dad once said, figure out what you love and the money will come.  I like to think that reigns true for most things – so figure out the money and it leaves time for the things you love.

“I get it now; I didn’t get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible…and enjoying everything in between.” - Mia Farrow

The Ginga Ninja

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